Prayer to Mary

Prayer to Mary; conversations of an inner child

My father never touched me
It’s all your imagination
And maybe it is

Father never hurt me
Never knew me
Never cared
Never wanted me
I guess I wasn’t good enough
For a worthless bastard

It only happened once
That he touched your sister
You were too little to know
To remember
Over-active imagination
Over-analytical mind
You think too much
It doesn’t really matter

Hush he said to me
This is our little secret
Not that anyone would believe what I would say
With that evil look
In his cold eyes
It was no mystery
Of what he was going to do

Please don’t take my innocence away
But he didn’t listen to me
No one ever bothers to listen

Poor child
Poor helpless little girl
Over whelmed by this big, scary world

Don’t abuse me
Please, don’t use me
Don’t touch me the wrong way
Please, don’t touch me there

Though, no I don’t remember
And you don’t care
Too busy in your delusions
Sitting mindlessly
In your chair
Don’t bother with me
Since I don’t matter
Pretend that I’m not there

Abuse me with your tongue
Beat me with your words
With your lack of love
Neglect me

Abomination
Some lost proclamation
Mother, where for art thou?
Mary, where have you been?
Why won’t anyone come save me?

Mary? Please answer my call
Before another tear begins to fall
Why do they hurt me so?
It’s something too hard to let go

Mary? Can you hear me?
He kept on staring at me
On the wall
I a crumpled up doll on the bed
Yet he didn’t answer my call
Why didn’t he answer me?

He never does, because he’s not real
But then again, neither are you
Just a statue to which I pray
Beside my leaky, moldy window
Impatiently waiting for the light of day

Not understanding
Why I’m so afraid of the dark
He’s just a gloomy statue
That’s left his mark
Upon me
And you are my true parents

How dare she say that
When it isn’t true
How can she remember
At only three or two
Oh, dear me
This poor child
Has given in to the woes of the wild
This wild, wild wounded one

Hang me on that cross
Just like you
All in this gloom
Sitting alone
In my room

Mother, where have you been?
Father, have you truly forgotten about me?
You dirty bastard
You real son of a bitch
I hate you

I hate you for scaring me
Forever
For taking my innocence away

Mother, where were you
When I needed you
Why didn’t you come and save me?
Help me instead of harm me
Instead of continuing the chain
You are a selfish bitch
That made me cry like the rain

And I hate you
For all of the lies and myths
That you told me in delusion
So many, many times
Reasons without rhymes

You hurt me
You squashed my little, wounded heart
You killed my dreams

You murdered me
Yet kept me alive
With false mercy
You dismissed my innocence
You let someone abuse me
And you turned the other way
Too afraid to admit
That I might remember that day

Make me feel guilty
Make me feel sad
You picked the fight
That made me feel mad
And I hate you

For not being a true mother
I had to wish for another
You never really cared
And it showed
You hurt me
You scarred me

I know you as much as I know my father
You are both dead to me
Dead to my heart
And for this, I hate you

And all of the years
And all of the sadness and pain
So much you caused
Now I cry, like the rain

And I hate you, so much
And I’m not sorry
And you want to know the reason
You want to know why
Are you that blinded
Not to see the tear
That hangs in my eye
Are you that deaf
To not hear me cry

Why did you not come save me?
Why did you not come
When I needed you
When I asked you for you
When I wanted you

Why did you fail me?
Disappointing me all of he time
Poisoning my mind
With doubt and low self-esteem
You cheated me
And for that I ‘am very angry
At you

Words can’t describe
What I can’t mention
Of what you used to do
And for that, I hate you

For the depression
Repression
Hurt filled memories
A heart only filled with pain
Endless tears falling
Like rain

And mother, where were you?
Father, where have you been?
Why don’t you care for me?
Why haven’t you been there for me
When I needed you

Can my heart ever mend?
Will I get an answer
From other men

Love
All I ever wanted was your love
And no one else’s
But you didn’t give that to me
Why was that something you couldn’t do?
Why did you make me
Have to hate you

I don’t understand
Anything
And no one will ever again
Speak for me
When there’s never a reply
Get that evil look out of your eye
Don’t touch me anymore

I hate you forever more
I hate that I hate me and fate
With nothing left to contemplate
Yet I continue

Mother, you let me down
God, you let me down
Why did you send me here?
Into such pain and sorrow
When there is no promise of tomorrow

Why won’t you answer me when I cry?
Don’t you see the tear in my eye?
God, where are you?

Are you there at all?
Big or small
It doesn’t matter
Man or woman
I don’t care
Just listen to me
Be the person in the world
That does care

A child cries out
In the dark
And it’s not
Like the singing of a lark

There’s always something wrong with me
Violating me
Eliminating me
Destroying me
Proclaiming me
Dead and non-existent

That troll beneath my head
Keeps controlling me
Until I’m dead

So much like the cross I bare
Subservient slave
To a world that doesn’t care

Crucify me
Then hang me around your neck
As a reminder
Of your own hatred
And my own pain

Blood,
A symbol
Of the endless tears
Falling like the rain