Marianne Menhenna

Marianne Menhenna

Every now and then you meet a person who stays with you your entire life. The reasons for remembering them can be either good or bad, but either way, you never forget them. Sometimes you know them your entire life, and sometimes just for a few minutes. The point is, they never leave you – no matter how much you want them to.

Hello. My name is NOT Marianne Menhenna.

In fact, nobody’s name is Marianne Menhenna. Well, I’m sure that there must be at least one person out there with the name, but they’re nobody I know. That doesn’t matter. What matters is the name itself.

Marianne Menhenna is a name used for the sole purpose of gossip. For example: Jill walks into a bar. I say, “Oh my goodness – Jill is wearing the most disgusting outfit!” This probably wouldn’t end well. However, let’s turn back the clock, and have Jill walk in again. I say, “Marianne Menhenna is wearing the most interesting outfit today.” Jill says, “Who’s Marianne Menhenna?” It’s the perfect scheme, one that can be used for both good and evil.

The only reason the name actually CAN be used is because there are only five people in the world who know about it. As of now, they are you, me, Damien, Veronica, and the incomparable Penny Terrace: the creator of the name. Penny is mean, cruel, dimwitted, bleach-blonde, self-absorbed bimbo…and my best friend. In fact, I’m the only person who knows how she came up with the name: It all started in Kindergarten. Penny had it out for a little girl named Marianne Mahenena, all because she couldn’t say her name. How did she pronounce it? Menhenna. Anyway, Marianne Mahenena had started holding hands with Damien, Penny’s so-called ‘True Love’, and Penny wasn’t having it. She made fun of Marianne’s name so much that she moved away, and I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who remembers her. Either way, in grade six Penny got the great idea to use the name in the way I have previously explained to you, and it’s caught on among our small group of friends. It’s brilliant, but evil, especially in the hands on Penny Terrace.

For years I put up with Penny’s antics, and the way she cruelly spoke about others behind their backs. Until one day, everything changed. Penny and I were at a party, and Penny was talking to Veronica about a certain Marianne Menhenna. Suddenly, I realized it: she was talking – right in front of my face – about me! I was right there and she still had the nerve to try and hide her insults. I gritted my teeth and smiled, not wanting to make a fuss about it just yet, but I couldn’t believe it! How could somebody that I grew up with, that I PUT up with be so evil, so scheming, so…PENNY! I immediately planned my revenge, staying awake an entire night scribbling schemes of how to make Penny’s life completely miserable. I wasn’t sinking to her level…I was just trying to teach her a lesson.

It started the way most battles start – with recruitment. Penny had no idea. Me, Veronica and Damien – who Penny was dating, as you have probably assumed – met in a dark alley. What? I’m not lying! Really!

Fine. We met in my dorm room…which was extremely dark…and may have been haunted. Hey, this is my story, I can tell it however I want! Anyways, we all met - where we met – and began to plan.

“It needs to be something that’ll really drive her crazy,” I said, after telling them my tale.

“But what drives her crazy?” Veronica asked me. “She hardly ever lets things bother her.”

“That’s just because nobody’s ever tried bothering her.” ‘Until now,’ I added under my breath.

“So…uh…what do you think we should do?” Damien was the dumbest boy I had ever met. He flunked art in grade three…and art was his strongpoint. The only positive attribute Damien had was his appearance. Now, I’m not exactly the right person to be describing this, as I have absolutely no feelings that way towards Damien whatsoever, but I will say this: if he had looked so good in grade three, he’d only need to take a picture of himself to have passed art.

I was almost surprised that he was here…I don’t think he realized that he was helping us plot against Penny. Not that I cared, of course. It appeared that his stupidity really was good for something.

“You hush,” I said, waving my hand in front of his face to silence him. “You’re just here to give us the inside scoop.”

“Oh, was I supposed to bring ice cream!?”

“Damien,” I began, ignoring his previous statement, “What do you think Penny would do if she, say…tripped in the cafeteria?”

“Dude, she’d go crazy! But what does that have to do with anything?” Luckily for me, Veronica understood, and the next day we put my plan into action.

I had the honour of carefully placing the banana in a prime slipping spot, and was absolutely gleeful when Penny’s Gucci-Clad heels made contact with it, sending her food above her and her backside straight to the floor. The moment could only have been made better if the flying food had fallen straight onto her, but it unfortunately missed, slopping on the floor instead. The effect of the fall, however, was instantaneous. People laughed at Penny, and she ran from the cafeteria, slipping once more for dramatic effect before she actually exited the area. Being the loyal friends we were, we followed her.

She was crying in the nearest classroom, screaming with an anger that made me feel extremely satisfied.

“It’s so unfair! How was I supposed to know there was a banana peel there? Oh, that’s so cliché, slipping on something so – so – STUPID!” I bit my tongue to contain my laughter as she continued. “Now they’re all probably talking about it…talking about me, those gossiping little jerks. It just doesn’t make sense…hey, aren’t you supposed to be comforting me?” she swung her head around to Damien, who had a glazed look in his eyes as he watched her.

“Uh…I was actually going to go buy a sandwich or something-“

“COMFORT ME!”

“That’s right, sweetie, you just keep crying.” I would have been angry at Damien if I wasn’t so impressed by his sudden acquirement of tact. Also, I wasn’t worried. Damien was the only person I knew with the memory of a goldfish – it appeared, however, that he was a very well trained goldfish.

My next part of the plan – which only had two parts, as I figured that Damien wouldn’t understand three – was something that I am still extremely proud of to this day. I told Penny that we would throw a party that would make everybody forget about her little trip. It would be held at my house – home advantage, after all. Before the party, though, Veronica and I gave everybody very specific instructions about how to act during the party.

We entered, Penny hanging off Damien’s arm for support. I gave him a short glare for his betrayal, which I think confused him more than it embarrassed him. Soon, the first guest approached us. “Did you hear about Marianne Menhenna?” she asked. “I knew she was dumb, but really….” Penny’s bottom jaw dropped to her silver necklace, but closed immediately as she began to nod and laugh with the guest. I grinned, knowing she had no idea what was going on.

“I’m going to kill Veronica!” she told me a few minutes later. I asked her why.

“Nobody is supposed to know about Marianne Menhenna but us! I told her when I came up with the idea. Marianne Menhenna is mine, and I can do whatever I want with her!”

“Well, maybe you should just tell everybody that,” I suggested. “Then everybody can use it, and they’ll look up to you for it.” Her eyes gleamed.

“The name will still work if everybody knows about it…” There was something unnerving about the way her lips curled upward. “And think…I was the one to give it to them...everybody will know Marianne Menhenna…”

When the next guest approached us, Penny’s reaction to their knowledge of the name was completely different. “Marianne Menhenna made such a fool of herself today. If I didn’t think it was so funny I’d feel sorry for her…”

“You know, I came up with that name,” she told her. I nearly groaned at the speedy way she took credit.

“Really?” The two got into a long conversation about the idea and how wonderful it was. I knew I would have to move the plan along quickly before Penny became too comfortable. I ran to Veronica, who was busy laughing with a guest about Penny’s newfound misfortune.

“It’s not working!”

“How is it not working?” My bottom jaw jutted out as my eyes widened, creating an ugly glare. “Okay, okay,” she said, shrugging, “What do you want me to do?”

“We need to move the plan along…NOW!” I added with a small shriek. Veronica followed me to the center of the room, where she clapped. The music stopped instantly, and the entire room turned to look at her. The finally of my plan was quite simple.

“Hello everyone,” Veronica greeted loudly. “Now, most of you know why you’re here, but there is one person among you who doesn’t. Penny, would you please step forward?” Penny approached, her eyes darting quizzically in every direction. “Everyone, I’d like to introduce to benefactor of our little party: Ms. Marianne Menhenna!”

The look on her face as Penny realized that her name – her creation – her BABY – had been used against her gave me a feeling that can only be matched by winning the lottery. Oh, sure there was some guilt felt in the proceedings, but no more than was necessary for good taste. During the long bout of applause that followed the announcement, Penny grabbed Damien’s arm and pulled him forcefully from the house. The party ended soon afterwards, as everybody who had ever been the victim of the name ‘Marianne Menhenna’ decided that justice had been served.

I didn’t see Penny for many years after that. At first it seemed hard to believe that she would force her entire family to move away over a little prank, but the thoughts of Penny and her ways soon faded away as I was able to live my life. In fact, within weeks of her leaving, I was even able to reluctantly date Damien. Obviously, the relationship didn’t work out, but I must say – having the best looking boyfriend in the school was quite the social stigma.

When I saw Penny, it was at a job interview. I entered the office building for Flare magazine excited to ‘woo’ them with my expertise. However, when the elevator opened on the eleventh floor, all I saw was the creator of the most conniving name in the world – working as a desk assistant and abusing the office phone.

“If you don’t get those kids to school in the next five minutes, Dylan, you can FORGET dinner tonight!”

I allowed the elevator door to close in front of me. There was no way I was getting into that again.