The Real Smurfs

The Real Smurfs

Anchor: Hello and welcome to a very special edition of Dateline. I’m Fred Whoseurdaddy. Tonight Dateline has a special report.
***See lots of Smurfs clips and hear the La-la-la-lalala-la-lala-la-la***
Narrator: We all know The Smurfs. Their whimsical antics entertained a generation. But there was a deeper darker secret lying just below the surface of this smurfy paradise.
***Hear ominous music and see the graphic that reads: The Real Smurfs.***

Ted Koppell: Papa Smurf, now dying of (insert awful illness here), has decided to sit down with us at Dateline to reveal the disturbing events that the cameras didn’t see.

***See Ted Koppell in chair***
Ted Koppell: Thank you so much for coming Papa Smurf.
***See papa smurf with IV, pale, with hoarse voice very uncharacteristic of a Smurf***
Papa Smurf: Yeah yeah. ***Cough loudly. Light a cigarette.***
Ted Koppell: So Papa Smurf, everyone was shocked when you decided to break your silence.
Papa Smurf: Well I figured it’s now or never.
Ted Koppell: There have been many theories, but the biggest question on everyone’s mind is how you guys reproduce. I mean with only one female…***shrug***
Papa Smurf: O well that’s easy. Everyone got a turn with Smurfette. I mean that bitch could work a smurf’s (beep) like….
Ted Koppell: ***cut Papa Smurf off*** OK I get it! But you guys filmed so often, when was she ever pregnant?
Papa Smurf: Well that slut had the best movie magic money could buy. Roll the clip, Frank.

***See footage from P.O.V. of the TV screen. Zoom back and see a DISGUSTING Smurfette in real life. Hear the director yell “Cut!” She lights a cigarette. Hear in a horse voice, “(bleep)  you. I ain’t doing another (bleep) take, Tom!” Vomit. Take out flask and swig.***

Ted Koppell: Wow!
Papa Smurf: ***rhaspy cough*** And that was the bitch on a good day.
Ted Koppell: But with her pregnant all the time, where were the kids. We rarely saw more than (baby’s name)?
Papa Smurf: Well that’s because we kept the little buggers in the meth labs.
Ted Koppell: ***shock*** What!?!?
Papa Smurf: Yup. Roll the clip.

***See security camera footage with sound. Smurf kids working on meth. Guards doing coke lines. See one kid with package of done meth. Go to guard and hand it to him. “Daddy, the fumes are burning my throat.” Slap. “Get back to work.”***

Ted Koppell: Oh my God! That’s awful.
Papa Smurf: ***laughing*** Oh it just warms my heart. Too bad the footage cut out before the fire. ***more laughing***
Ted Koppell: ***slams papers and stands*** I am appalled! Good day to you sir. ***walks off. stops and touches ear.*** Uh-ha uh-ha, so if I don’t finish the interview I’m fired? Got it. ***sits back down*** So where were we?
Papa Smurf: Well there were a lot of skeletons in a lot of closets.  Do you remember (the tough one)?
Ted Koppell: Yeah.
Papa Smurf: Gay.
Ted Koppell: Really?
Papa Smurf: He and (the smart one) were as gay as they come. Roll it!

***See normal scene. Then hear “Cut!” Next words are “fabulous.” Then hear, “O snookums you were fantastic!” then they kiss.

Ted Koppell: Wow.
Papa Smurf: O that’s not the half of it.
***See Paris Hilton like night vision sex thing.***
Ted Koppell: Oh sweet Jesus!
Papa Smurf: Boy they could go all night.
Ted Koppell: So any other skeletons you’d like to bring out?
Papa Smurf: Well (someone) had one hell of a temper.
Ted Koppell: Really? That’s odd.
Papa Smurf: Take a look.

***See rehearsal. Smurf screws up lines. “Damn it!”  Throw fit! Break things. Lots of beeping. Beat several people to death. See dismemberment & blood. hear “my leg!” & “oh the humanity!”***
Ted Koppell: ***Gag***
Papa Smurf: Squeamish aren’t you? Well you’ll want to look away for this one.

***See guy tied to a chair bleeding and beaten. “Please I’ll have the money by Friday.” “Sorry, Frank. We don’t give extensions.” Squeeze lemon juice on the cuts. Hear screams. “Please stop!” OK no problem. Hey Nick, cut him loose. Hear chainsaw. Guy runs at tied up guy. Kills him.***

Ted Koppell: ***vomits*** You are truly disgusting creatures.
Papa Smurf: Hey we needed that money on time. It’s bad business to keep the client waiting.
Ted Koppell: And what was the money for?
Papa Smurf: We launder militant money.
Ted Koppell: Oh come on.
Papa Smurf: I’m afraid so. And now I’m gonna have to kill you.
Ted Koppell: What?
Papa Smurf: I’m (bleep) Papa Smurf. I’m not letting some disease take me. I’m in control and you’re all coming with me.

***Crazy laughter. Open robe and see bomb. Papa Smurf pushes button. BOOM! Screen goes to snow.***

Anchor:***looking at screen in horror*** Well that’s it for this special broadcast of Dateline. Join us tonight at eleven for our follow-up on the story you just saw complete with a tribute to the brave audience members who gave their lives to make this story a success. I’m Fred Whoseurdaddy, goodnight everyone.