PainFear

I Love
Rachel Cain

The Barbed Heart will always Bleed and Hurt
My life was in turmoil
I was alone and in despaire
I had no one to confide in
No one to talk to
No to hold dear to me
There was no end to my Pain,
Suffering, Agony, Hurt, and Loss
She was a friend that listened
She was a person that cared
Our little girls loved each other
They act as though they are sisters
Who would think one fatefull phonecall
would change the entire world.
I read the book that a friend had given me
It only gave me the path
Not the balls to walk the path
Earl showed me that I had them all along
I called her to hang out one morning
That morning changed my life forever.
Now here I sit 4 short months later
We live together
We sleep together
We eat together
Our lives are as one
Yet the pain still lingers
How do I make something so strong
Something so powerful and resiliant
Go away forever
Banish it!!!
This pain that still haunts me
Will it ever cease its relentless beating in my heart?
Or will I be damned to live in pain forever?
My love Rachel
Please forgive me for these words
They are not meant to hurt you
I feel for my daughter, what life she leads
Outside these walls I cannot protect
I cannot shield her from the dangers she sees
Her mother and father living apart
She is too young to understand it all
However intelligent she is
She is still too young
I want her home with me...
With US...
I cannot take her from her mother
I will not take her from her mother
Yet the PAIN still lingers
still stings
still hurts
still and always lives on...
I am FINALLY scared of something
for the first time in my life I know fear
Never before have I felt fear of this magnitude
It brings tears to my eyes,
Yet I will not let them fall
How do I stop the FEAR?
Her mother tries...
I know this in my heart of hearts
She tries her best...
But, is it really enough?
I have seen with my own eyes
This is what is on my mind...
I feel this way because I miss her
Every day I go without her is agony
She is too young to go without a father figure
I should be that person but how?
When I am so far away yet so close
I have seen death firsthand
I have held the dead
I have witnessed many things
Nothing I have seen can compare to this
Not even the dark magics I used to practice
Not even seeing a true demon close up
NOT even seeing the Reaper take souls
Is this true fear I feel?
Or is it simply guilt?
...