Pessimisticism

Fell to the ground. I didn’t know that I’d fall this hard. He had been here, then he hadn’t. I couldn’t even comprehend the time I spent with him. It wasn’t romantic, of course... he did rip out my heart, and his own, and switched them. What a masochist. What a sadist. Either way, I still did love him for that person he was so long ago. My angel.

Etou had been wonderful. I met him when I was younger, and he stayed with me. Beating up punks who tried to hurt me, helping me when I needed it (whether I wanted it or not), staying by my side. And then we – or rather, I, since he said he already had – fell in love.

He asked me to marry him. I said yes, of course, and the date was set. His parents, though, weren’t too thrilled by that. They came down from Heaven (for Etou truly was an angel, at that time) and tried to convince him to leave me and marry Lillia, the girl that he’d been chosen to marry. He was... confused, for a while, because these were his parents he was denying.

I also had a dilemma. Another man from my past – a snake prince, a surisk’se – came and attempted to get me to marry him. At one point, I had been in love with Taku, but I ran away from him. I couldn’t marry him, and ran away again, but this time to Etou.

We did get past this, though, and eventually started planning the wedding. He couldn’t invite anyone – his parents disowned him, and I didn’t have anyone to invite except my best friends Yui-san and Faye. I told them, and they were excited, if not hesitant.

That was where everything began to fall.

His behavior changed in minor detail; he was always a bit edgy, always paranoid. He would go out for various spans of time, at any time. The day before our wedding, tragedy struck.

Lillia came. Etou was at her side.

She was beautiful; waist-long, shining purple-ish hair, silver eyes, and an elegant air always surrounding her. It’s so hard to describe her now, in this “good” light, but here I am, complementing her. Either way, she was an angel to his angel, and I was a snake. This snake was getting payback from Heaven.

She smiled slightly and held out her hand in introduction, as if to say “hi, my name is Lillia. How are you today?” but I didn’t do anything. Instead, I watched Etou, whose eyes never met my own.

I didn’t cry. I didn’t weep when she told me that Etou chose her over me, that he couldn’t betray his family or his obligations. I hope I didn’t let my shock show as she tried to explain the things he should be telling me. I didn’t let pain fill me inside, not until they left. But she stood, and I ignored her, because Etou didn’t rise. She left, and he stayed.

“What’s going on, Etou?”

I truly, seriously had to ask. Lillia could say whatever she pleased, but it wouldn’t matter unless he verified it.

“She’s telling the truth.” He said, still not looking at me. I had to break, somehow, but it stayed inside. He got up, and left as I stared at him. Finally, I just fell. Again. This time, into despair.

I told both Fay and Yui-san, but Yui-san cried with me. She tried to get over it with me. But she was busy with her own lover, and Faye was busy with other things. So I cried alone, and attempted to get over it, alone.

About a year later, I got a visit from a guard of Heaven. I can’t remember his face, let alone his name, but I do remember the message he delivered.

Etou’s family had been killed. No one knew how. His parents and Lillia had died, their blood on the walls of their home. Etou survived, and was searching for me. No one knew why, either, and the guard said that I certainly didn’t want to be found. Then he left.

I went downstairs, looking for something to eat while mulling this over. Etou, looking for me? His name hurt my heart. I had gotten an apple and started cutting it. When I looked up, he was there. The knife slipped, and I sliced my finger.

I hated that I was so surprised to see him.

He looked as he always did: blonde hair pulled into a short ponytail, golden eyes focused, tall, pale skin glowing, his strong white wings just a few shades lighter. But he was smirking at me as he walked forward quickly, in a way that just screamed danger. I moved away and back, but the counter stopped me. Then he was in front of me. His arms pulled me so fast into his grip that I had no reaction time. And he hugged me, held me tight.

I looked up at him, and he was crying. I didn’t know what to do, and I pulled slightly away, trying to make him let go of me. He didn’t, and scowled when I continued to try.

“What are you doing, San?” he asked, angry now. I had no desire to be the object of his rage. I managed to pull completely away, and his lock let go. I fell to the ground (much to my displeasure).

Looking up at him, unmoving, I said, “Getting away from you. What are you doing?” I got up and stood, slightly off-balance but upright. I went to the sink and cleaned off my cut, then went over to the cabinet to bandage it.

“They’re dead. They’re all dead. But now I can be with you. I can stay here, with you.” He strode until he was next to me.

I finished up, now looking up at him. “I have no desire to be with you now” What a lie “and I have no desire to be in love.” Another lie. “I suggest you leave.” He stared at me for some time, and eventually left. I tried not to break down. I called up Yui-san, and then tried to tell her what happened. She was unconcerned by it and rambled on about Seiya. I didn’t like that, but listened (sort of). She ended up getting off the phone with me, since he had arrived and they wanted to talk.

Later that night, after I had gotten into bed, I wondered what was actually going on in his mind. Did he really think that I would just run back to him and accept him, after all the grief? How arrogant. How naïve.

It was around twelve when he appeared again. Unfortunately, I wasn’t asleep, so I saw him. I half-sat up, staring at him. He smiled and laid next to me, like it had been before. I got a bit mad and pushed him off the bed. He fell with a thud and got up quickly, his face red. “What was that for?” He asked.

“That was for getting into my bed without permission. You wouldn’t even get permission from me, you idiot. Go away.” I replied, then turned over. He didn’t leave, but got into bed again. I turned around and started to get mad at him, but he pressed his mouth against mine.

Disarmed and caught completely off guard, I did nothing. Then he got on top of me and pulled away. Unfortunately, I was pinned. I had no way of moving, and I tried to move, but he ignored it and started to pull off my shirt. I squired, getting mad. “What are you doing?!” He just continued to smile and tried pulling off my clothes.

All I remember is passing out.

When I woke up, it was morning, and I had my clothes on. There were no aches in my body, and the only remembrance of last night was a pure white feather that sat quietly glowing on the edge of my bed. I sat up and did the normal things that I usually would, but I had a guess of what he had done to me. The realization that he actually did that scared me, and I told Yui-san.

“Are you sure that he did that?” She asked, later in the day. She had come over and brought that damned Seiya, who distracted her from what I was saying. I told her again that yes, I was completely sure, and only then did she truly seem... upset. She stood up and left, and Seiya (with a glare at me) followed.

Throughout the day, I sat and ignored all events that happened over the next few hours. I barely recall what happened these few days after, until another guard game and delivered the news that Etou was dead. I remember staring at him blankly, unresponsive.

Then Yui-san came and told me the exact same thing. I got up without a word and went to my room, shutting myself in. She came in and laid on the bed with me, then hugged me tightly and held on. I wasn’t sure how to react to their news, but either way, I cried.


And now, after all of that, he’s back. He hadn’t actually been technically “dead”, but more of banned from Heaven and sent to Hell. Some law was broken or something or another, and he had to repent for it.

But somehow, he escaped, and came here. Found me again. I truly had not known that he would be damned; if I did, I might have had some second thoughts about telling anyone. Probably, though, I still would have said something.

Either way, there he stood, in front of me in all his infamous glory (in my mind, anyway). The only things that had changed about him were his eyes. They looked like a darker golden now, instead of that light color. Probably stained with his sins, or something along those lines. He’d probably tell me something like that.

But he didn’t. All he did was grab me and drag me to some cave. Those stupid “angelic” powers got us there before I could blink, and with a snap of his fingers, he had me chained to the wall. All I could think about in that moment was “crap”.

I stayed like that for a few hours, feeling my arms and legs go numb, getting bored, that kind of whatnot. But I also had changed. I was somewhat of a masochist myself (nothing like him), but I also just didn’t care anymore. I was depressed, defeated. And I had acknowledged that.

Finally, sometime at night (that I was sure of) he came back with a knife and a plan, which he gleefully told me. Planning to cut out both our hearts and switch them. Something about eternal love.

Some “declaration of love”.

I just stared at him. “Are you serious about this?” I asked him, shaking my head. “Cutting out our hearts... won’t we die? Well, I don’t know about you, but I...”

“Shut up.” He interrupted. “You know perfectly well you aren’t human, not mortal. You’re unable to be killed under the standard circumstances. So I could cut out your heart, and your body would still produce blood, still function...” He lit some candles and set them around the cave, then looked at me.

I sucked in a breath, feeling the warmth immediately. I closed my eyes and mulled over what he had said. It was true, but... “Etou. If you’ve been in Hell for a year, and I’ve only figured this out a few months ago, how did you know?” I asked, a bit afraid of the answer.

“I, of course, have been watching you all this time. Even through the torture of each day, I still had my powers and I was able to keep tabs on you. Surprisingly, you lead a dull life, compared to me.” He told me, pulling the knife out of its sheath and looking at it, watching it shine dully in the light.

“Compared to you?” I sneered. “Are you serious? Anyone on Earth would lead a more dull life than you, considering you were being tortured in Hell.”

“Exactly. You don’t know what I went through, and then to waste even more energy on you... waiting, searching, calling for you...” He smiled a bit, pulling off his shirt. I looked away and watched the shadows flickering on the wall, wanting to ignore his words. I had heard so many calls at first when he left, and it near drove me insane. “I can’t believe how much time I wasted. I should have just come searching for you.”

I glanced back at him, trying to hold in a wave of nausea. “Etou... you were in there for punishment, to be locked away so we would never see each other. You talk as if you could have always escaped, always come out and find me. That’s... impossible.” Maybe he was just teasing. He couldn’t possibly be that strong... if he was, I was in lots of trouble, more so than a few minutes ago.

He smirked, confirming my fears. “San, San... you don’t understand what’s happening here. That’s exactly what I’m saying.” He cut, and a deep line of red showed on his skin. I shuddered and watched the knife cut a rather large circle on his chest, and then he plunged it deeper and carved. Each saw took a gasp from his throat, and I winced a little, remembering when I would have done anything to make sure those sounds didn’t exist.

Then all I heard was the splattering of blood on the floor and his hard breathing, and I closed my eyes, not wanting to see what was next. He yelled as he pressed his hand inside his chest and pulled out the heart. Surprisingly he was still alive, and he held the heart in his hand. It still beat, somehow, and I shuddered, knowing he was going to do that to me.

After setting the still-beating organ down somewhere I couldn’t see, he walked towards me. I shivered and tried to shy back, but there was no way to go anywhere, not the way I was chained. I couldn’t even “shy” away. The most I could do was turn my head, and that wasn’t going to help anything.
He cut open the front of my shirt, exposing my chest. I struggled slightly, but he caught my face and held it so I had to stare into his eyes. He kissed me, and for a moment I was caught completely off-guard. Then I felt the knife bite into my skin, and I bit his lip while he kissed me.

He made the same large outline of a circle in my chest and it dripped blood. I didn’t make any sounds, not wanting to feel any more helpless than I already did. Then he shoved his hand through my chest, and I couldn’t hold in the pain. I yelled out, but it didn’t do anything to ease it. He pulled it out and I gasped, coughing and feeling most of my body shut down.

Quickly and without a word, he pushed what had been my heart into his chest, and grabbed his heart from somewhere and put it into mine. I could already feel the skin around the hole closing, healing up. I felt the heart inside me that was no longer mine beat, and I took a deep breath, trying not to cry. I didn’t want his heart in my chest, I really didn’t. That would be like a permanent reminder of him, a solid statue that would remain in my chest, something to keep me alive.

And his heart would be the thing keeping me alive. Like I didn’t want to die so much already.

I think I passed out for a few hours, but I couldn’t be sure. When I was next alert, I realized that the hole in my chest was filled and no longer bleeding, although my whole front was covered in my own blood. I listened carefully, and heard the pounding of “my” heart in my chest. I grew slightly annoyed, not wanting this to happen. Somehow, it all had to be some bad dream. I looked up at Etou, who was leaning against the wall across from me, with that self-satisfied smirk plainly visible on his face.

Muttering and still feeling numb, I pulled at my arms slightly and heard the chains clatter. Etou stood up and wobbled over to me, undoing the chains at my feet first and then at my arms. I didn’t want to fall over, and I partially did. He did attempt to catch me, but I pushed him away and sat down. “You jerk... I can’t believe you actually went through with this. You have to be some sort of psychopath.”

He just smiled and touched my face, lifting it up so I could see into his eyes. I glared and tried to move my gaze, but he held my face, and I lifted up a hand to shove his away. I stood up shakily and grabbed the knife from the floor, wanting to carve out this wretched excuse for a heart again.

“Psychopath? That hurts, San...” he told me, and by the tone of his voice, I knew he didn’t care at all. He had gotten what he wanted, and he was pleased. “Now what exactly are you planning to do? Take out my heart, I’m guessing...”

Shaking slightly, I looked up at him. “Why would I do that?” I asked, sarcasm dripping from my voice. “You left me, betrayed me, and then came back to me, hurt me again, left, then came back and switched our hearts.” I paused. “Of course I don’t despise you. Of course I don’t hate you. Of course I don’t want to die because your heart has been placed in my chest and vice versa. I can’t believe...” I trailed off, staring at the wall.

I got up without another word and stumbled out of the cave, listening to him follow. I felt something outside, and looked up. I saw Yui-san, and felt her anger pounding through my body. I held my head, wanting to fall over but not doing so. Having somewhat of an empathetic power and not being around others had made it seem duller, and when I was around more who couldn’t control their emotions, it felt overwhelming.

At the moment, Yui-san couldn’t control her feelings, and it felt like scalding water down my spine.

She pushed past me and went into the cave. Wearily, I turned around and went back inside, not wanting to miss anything that happened, and wanting to stop it if it got too out of control. I knew that Yui-san could take care of herself, but Etou... as much as I hated Etou, I couldn’t let anything happen to him without my knowing about it.

Looking around, I saw the two squaring off, and I kept off to the side. “Why do you enjoy hurting her?” I heard her ask the fallen angel, and he just chuckled. I shivered at the sound and held a hand to my chest again, remembering what he did to me. “It isn’t anything funny.”

“I wasn’t hurting her.” He looked at me, and I shuddered more, feeling my body shake. “She didn’t cry. She didn’t call you. We don’t need you, and this isn’t any of your business.” He tried to walk up to me, but she got in his way. I slid down the wall, feeling extremely tired now. What was happening to me?

She punched him, and he stayed looking away. “You know... you’re married, you have a family, you have children, and San... doesn’t. Yet you two stay together... it makes no sense.” She didn’t say anything, waiting for him to continue. “I’ve never read or heard of a story that’s had a happy ending with three people.”

Still not saying anything, she grabbed my hand and exited the cave. He stayed behind, not following, not calling after us. Eventually we got home, and his words echoed in my head.

I’ve never read or heard of a story that’s had a happy ending with three people.

And it’s true. I have never read a story with three lovers, sharing one person that had an actual happy ending. I’ve never heard of it, and I’m not sure if we’ll be the first, or if we’re fighting uselessly against human nature.

But what I do know is that Etou disappeared. He didn’t show up again, and I haven’t seen him. I also haven’t taken out his heart, because, well... if I did, eventually I would die. And he took my heart with him, wherever he is, which is kind of unfortunate, considering I don’t want his heart.

And now, ironically, it’s him that’s keeping me alive. So now I’m on the ground, having fallen over, wondering how much more I can continue to take this, how much longer I can go through each day without crying, while hiding what I truly feel. How much longer can I go through this, and when will I pull myself out of this pit of despair?

Hopefully, eventually... it’ll work, and I’ll forget, and I’ll live.

Maybe.