Faith's Journey

The someday, out there on the horizon, stole all other thoughts from Faith’s mind.  The yellow lines of the highway that would take her from her grandparent’s ranch near Texarkana to her first stop just north of Austin kept moving beyond her, out into the unknown.  She had been sitting in the cab of her old Jeep for hours, her only company the strong Southeastern Texas wind.  It was only mildly windy today, and as of right now there did not appear to be anything but small white clouds, like those in the comics out on the horizon.  The wind whistled, not just along the outside of the jeep as it roared down the highway but through the jeep as well, it was a hot day in East Texas, and with the sun beating down on the jeep, and the surrounding Texas clay, the temperature was stifling, and Faith needed some air movement.  She had considered removing the top of the jeep, but she would have had to find the tarps, she was sure she had packed somewhere in the back.  It had just become another hassle that Faith was not willing to deal with before she had set out this morning; Lord knows she had more than enough to deal with before she had slammed the door of the rusted out jeep and tore down the dirt road that held the promise of freedom.

“Faith….Faith!” she could hear her mother screaming; “Faith…where are you?”  It was a regular occurrence; Faith’s mother would wake up in the middle of the night screaming for Faith.  The outbursts had started happening at naptime too, and Faith was worried that soon her grandparents were going to have to do something drastic with her mother. 

It had started after Faith’s father had decided that alcohol was more important than his family.  One day he had been there with them and the next day when the family had woken up in the vacation home, he had been gone, no note, nothing.  It had happened before, her dad wandering but something about this one was different.  Faith did not know at the time why she thought that, but that is just the feeling she had.  Her dad had left them alone to face the world without him; it was months before he called to tell them anything; He had called from rehab.  He’d wanted them to come for counseling; they had not gone.

“FFFFFAAAAAIIIITTTTTHHHH!!!!”  Faith could here her mother’s voice almost as if it were being carried on the wind.  An involuntary shudder ran down Faith’s spine as she tried desperately not to be drug down with the weight of all that her mother had gone through—of all Faith had gone through with her.  She could see her mother now, standing in the front lawn, just as she had this morning; tears streaming down her face, as Faith had loaded her jeep.  She was dressed at least this time.  Her jeans had been worn and faded, just like the leather of her boots.  Her hair was a mess, and her eyes were…dead.  There really wasn’t another way to explain how her eyes' had appeared, she could see the tears, but her eyes were lifeless.  They used to be…full of life.  Sometimes they would be as green as the pastureland on the ranch, other times they would be grey as the western sky when a storm was brewing.  Every one always said that Faith had her mother’s eyes; she had never been able to see it.

Every time Faith left, whether she was going in to town to run errands, or leaving for summer camp, it was always the same.  Her mother would be fine until it was time for Faith to leave.  Then someone who was only a shadow of the woman Faith new, knew would be the one to say goodbye.  It was at its worst today, but that was because everyone thought Faith was leaving for good.  Her grandfather had not even come to see her off.  He was a cowboy, with them, there were no long goodbye’s just goodbyes and as far as he was concerned, he had already said his goodbye to her.

Deep in Faiths heart she could hear the music that her heart learned long ago; it still played.  Her grandfather had always said that life made music, and if Faith would only take time to be quiet and listen, she could hear it all around her.

The day her grandfather had taught her that lesson was a warm summer day, much like today.  He had come in from the fields early to spend some time with the family.  Grandma told him he needed to be checking on the cows, but somehow Grandpa knew that day that he needed to be at home.  He took Faith out on the big wrap around porch, and sat her on the front steps.

“All the world makes music,” he said as he sat down next to her.  “Every creature, every thing, sings its' own ‘heart song’, it’s the only one they know, ‘cause the Creator of the universe put it in there heart at the beginning of time.  No two are the same.”

They sat there awhile, in silence.  Faith listened and listened; it seemed that for the first time everything was alive.  She heard crickets chirping, and the wind blowing through the willows, and her grandfather humming.  She could even hear her grandmother’s musical laugh drift out the screen door; it just added more life to the grand symphony that Faith knew she was a part of.

“How does everything figure out what there supposed to sing?” she asked.

Her grandfather laughed at first, but then he became quiet.  He pulled Faith onto his lap and whispered, as if what he was about to say was a secret that was meant only for her.  “Well first, the thing searching for its song has to get really quiet, and notice all the other songs around them, because this is a symphony and their song has to fit in.  There are no solo’s in this song; everything has to work together.  When they’ve listened for awhile they’ll notice that something is missing; and if they keep listening and ask for God’s guidance, He’ll tell them exactly how to fill the void with there own song.”

Faith at that moment wanted nothing more than to know what her heart song was.  She closed her eyes’ as her grandfather held her and just listened.  It was starting to rain, but the porch was covered so they were protected while they sat there on the steps.  Somewhere inside Faith began to understand that a heart song changes over time, that her grandfathers humming probably wasn’t what his song always was, but tonight while he held Faith, he just hummed his heart song over and over.

It was getting harder and harder to hear where Faith fit into the song; Faith knew it would always be there if she truly listened but right now was no time for deep listening.

The headlights of oncoming traffic broke into Faith’s vision, as she swerved back into her lane of traffic she hit the brakes in order to pull all the way over.  “I’ve got to get these visions under control,” she thought.  “They could really wreak havoc on my future”.  She sat on the shoulder of the highway noticing the lack of color around her, not even the early harvest sunset was casting color on this picture.  Everything seemed to be in muted tones, almost with no color at all; it was as if Faith was seeing the world on black and white film.  Lights flashed behind her.

“Great, just what I need.”  Faith rolled down the widow all the way, so she could assure the officer now getting out of his car that everything was okay, she just needed a breather.  As she waited for the officer, she began to wonder how long she had been sitting on the edge of the road.

“Is every thing alright, ma’am?” 

“Yes, I just needed a breather; I’ve been driving since about 7:30 this morning.”  Faith hoped she sounded sure of herself. 

“Well, we’d had some reports of a car on the shoulder, the sheriff thought I should come check it out.  Are you sure there’s nothing I can do for you ma’am?”

“No, I’ll just be getting along now, thank you for stopping though.”  Faith took a deep breath; she checked to make sure the deputy was on his way back to his car.  She turned the key and the jeep came to life.  Hitting the lights she turned on her blinker and moved back into the flow if traffic.

Sometimes Faith would sing to herself to pass the time; the radio had stopped working in the jeep sometime after high school.  This time was different though, no songs came to Faith’s memory only possible pictures of the future, and a small feeling of doubt that flashed across her minds eye.  Now was no time for singing; Faith’s heart hurt more and more as she watched the deputy turn around and drive away.  Faith watched his taillights drop out of sight in her rearview mirror as he started down the other side of a small rise in the road; Faith suddenly felt very alone.
I should be further down this road.  Did I miss my turn somewhere?  What if I did, and now I’m lost?  I just sent my only chance of help off in the other direction. 

Faith just keep driving it was the only thing that made the questions stop.  As she crested the rise, her floodlights hit a large green sign: Austin 10 miles.  Relief flooded through Faith like she was standing if front of a fire hose.  “I’m almost there,” Faith thought as the lights of the city became visible.  She glanced down at the displays of the car; “it’s a good thing too, I’m almost out of gas”.