You're my Girl

What type of person would I be if I did nothing? This is the question I ask myself everyday.  As I lay in my bed I am only able to think of that night. Unable to sleep, eat or even look at myself. I have never in my life felt such unyielding pain. Imprisoned in my mind, I am unable to escape my thoughts. Mixed emotions of sadness and anger sweep over me, making my whole body ache. Sweat runs over me keeping me cool but I’m unwilling to place the covers over me.  What could I have done differently?  As the different scenarios run through my head, I become nauseated with disgust. Constant “what ifs” haunt me. I am disillusioned with the idea that I can change the past and unable to live with the realization of reality…the truth.
As I was tossing and turning I could hear my mom speak to my sister “This is ridiculous, she has been in her room for nearly two months.  This is not healthy for her.  We have to get her out of that bed and out of that room!” “Mom, we have tried and tried, it is best if we just leave her be.” My mom’s footsteps become heavy as she steps towards my door. “Jane, dear, can you hear me? You have to get out of bed this instant! I know how you feel but…” I quickly interrupted her for her audacity to act as if she knows what I am going through. “NO YOU DON’T, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FEEL”! My memories started to consume me and the next thing I knew, I was sent back to where it all began…
“Hun, I told you that I would get the door for you!”  He was cute with his frustrations of me having opened my own door. We are just leaving Sears, I thought to myself before gently responding, “Michael, we have been together now for six years. You don’t have to get the door for me anymore.” He smiled, “Yes I do! A gentleman always opens the door for his sweetheart no matter how long they have been together.” His grin becoming even bigger as he continued, “Plus I have to make sure you stick around.”  He then kissed me on the cheek and held out his hand for me to hold. Even after all this time, butterflies still fluttered in my stomach from the simplest touch or caress he gave me for he truly was my living Adonis. 
As I looked around everything appeared so peaceful. The sun had begun to set, leaving pink, purple and dark blue hues to adorn the sky in utter bliss. With the evening breeze, the trees and flowers waved angelically and seemed to be moving in slow motion. The birds chirped, singing beautiful love songs to each other and the entrances to the plaza were covered in enchanting white flowers with pink centers.
“You certainly have to appreciate the landscapers that worked on this project, they really earned their moneys worth, didn’t they, Jane?”  “Certainly dear, I was just noticing the beautiful flowers myself.”  “So where to next? Come on I feel like spoiling you a little bit, let’s go to your favorite clothing store.” You always spoil me, I thought. “We said window shop, not shop, shop.” I stated with a smile on my face.  “I appreciate the gesture but you know we are on a budget.” “Well let’s go to your favorite clothing store and window shop then.  But if you see something you like you better get it,” he replied, acting as if he has agreed with me yet still trying to get his way.  “That sounds good, then we will go look at the work out equipment.  I know that is your favorite thing to do,” I said, wanting to do something for him as well.
As we head towards the department store, I glimpse something strange through the corner of my eye and I whisper in disbelief, “Oh my God!” Michael spoke frantically. “What is it Jane?  Hey Jane where are you going?  Jane no… get back here… JANE!!!” 
A tall, lanky man covered in filth slammed a woman into a car and reached for her purse.  Every instinct I had screamed for me to stop him and the next thing I knew was standing in front of the victim and the villain, shouting for him to stop and leave her alone. He began to shuffle, cursing me as he suddenly pulled a gun from his waist which was covered by his torn trench coat.  I felt weak at the knees and everything seemed to instantly freeze before me.  I closed my eyes just as I heard the gun go off; yet, I did not feel pain. The victim screamed and I opened my eyes to find my husband lying on the ground.  “Stupid girl, see whatcha did!” the criminal spat harshly.  Then in the blink of an eye, he was gone with the victim’s purse. 
I fell to the ground and put my arms around my husband. “Michael, Michael look at me,” I cried as I placed my head on his chest, wanting him as close to me as possible.  “You’re going to be ok,” I told him. I began to frantically glance around, screaming in despair and urgency, “Somebody help us, somebody!” 
I noticed the once white flowers were now red, drenched in his blood. I lifted my head and looked at my hands, which were also covered in blood.  I felt cold rain drops fall on my hair and glanced up to see the sky was now pitch black.  The birds were no longer singing for the eerie sounds of bats flying though the night had taken their place. Tears fell from my face and I was in complete disbelief. This could not be happening! It felt like a nightmare.
“Michael, what where you thinking?”  His voice was weak as he answered, “You know I couldn’t let anything happen to my girl.” He put his hand on my cheek and smiled at me. Then his hand fell to the ground, lifeless.  “No Michael… wake up,” I shouted in tears, begging him to come back to me.  “Michael please wake up, we need you!” An out of breath voice called out, “Ma’am, ma’am, what happened?” I look up to see that it was a security guard.  The victim began to speak, “He just jumped in front of the bullet…” Their voices began to muffle and fade away. I felt nauseous and lightheaded, as if I was spinning.  I became more and more numb and then, I fainted.
“Jane, I am sorry I didn’t…” I interrupted my mother again, my voice aching and miserable. “My husband is dead because of me! You have no idea how that feels so don’t pretend you do,” I said as I began to cry. 
“Mom, I hurt so much inside! I know I should have just left it alone, I mean that is what the police are for, isn’t it?  But no, I had to go over there didn’t I, DIDN’T I! “Jane,” she shouted worriedly.  “It should have been me to die, not him, why did he jump in front of that bullet?” I asked, grief stricken.  For a moment there was silence, then I heard my mom’s head lean on the door.  “All I see is him dying in my arms over and over again.  So no, YOU don’t know how I feel,” I said, sobbing uncontrollably. “Jane, stop this. Stop this now!” She shouted, this time in anger. “Just go, leave me alone,” I stated coldly. Reluctantly, my mom spoke “Jane..  I screamed out in fury “JUST GO!”  I heard my sister pull my mom away from my door. “Mom just leave her be!”
A few minutes later, I heard the squeak of the door and as the light beamed through the crack, it blinded me. I quickly threw the covers over me to shield my eyes. I heard tiny foot steps coming near my bed side.  “Mommy….?” He pulled the covers trying to get my attention but I ignored him.  The thought of looking at him…he looks just like Michael! “Mommy…” I could feel the concern and misery in his voice. I couldn’t stand it any longer.  I lifted the covers off me. As my eyes focused, I lowered my hand and saw my sweet Chris looking at me. His eyes were wide and a tear began to form as his lower lip began to tremble. 
He began to speak again, his voice still just as worried and touching, yet soft and shaky.  “Mommy…peaz don’t be sad anymo, it’s not your fault…. Daddy’s in heaven now, and he’s ok…. He told me to tell you to get up and be happy again…..So peaz get up…..cuz…cuz… I miss you too, Mommy”! With the last word he began to cry heavily. 
I snatched him in my arms and squeezed him tightly.  I felt tiny drops of tears fall on my shoulder.  How could this barely four year old know more about life than me, I thought to myself. As I rocked both of us back and forth he began to calm and started to sniffle quietly. I moved back so I could see his face.  Using my thumb I wiped away his tears. He hugged me tightly again as if not wanting to let go. Cool tears began to fall from my own face. Oh, how could I have been so stupid and selfish?  I should have been the one to comfort him, not him comforting me!  Tears began to fall more frequently as I began to sob and at that moment, I realize… what type of mother would I be if I did nothing? I spoke with affectionate love, “I am so sorry Sweetie! Don’t worry, Mommy is going to take care of you.  I love you so much!” I pulled him away so we could see eye to eye. “I want you to look at me for a sec Sweetie…I want you to know that you’re the most important thing to me in this world”! He chuckled slightly “I know Mommy….can you get out of bed now?” “Yes sweetie, yes I can!”
I hear my son laughing and giggling as he runs around the park.  I can hear the birds again. I look at my son and smile, “Sweetie, be careful.”  “I will,” he replied.  It was the sweetest thing seeing him play. I see Michael in him so much. The world could use more Michaels because there aren’t many left like him, I thought.
In a high playful voice I yelled, “You better run because I’m gonna get you!” I began chasing my son and he started to laugh even louder.  We fall into the grass and look at the sky.  “Mommy?”  “Yes dear,” I said gently. With a curious voice he hesitantly asked, “Do you think Daddy is wachin us from heaven right now?” I squeezed him affectionately and said softly, “Yes Sweetie, he is watching us and he is with us…right here.”  I pointed at his heart and began to tickle him.  He started to laugh and I realized we could make it.  Even though it was going to be hard, we could and would survive because time and love heals all wounds no matter how deep.