This Turkey Is Done

You’ll have to forgive me,
I just couldn’t speak
The light in your eyes
Made my tongue go all weak.
That look of desire
You wore like a hat
Twisted my emotions
This way and that.
You said it was over,
That much you must recall
But here you stand panting
Wanting me after all.
Let me tell you a secret
You maybe don’t know
All that affection for you
Was just a really good show.
You see I knew you were lying
And I knew you were cheating
And if I had a bat then
I’d have given you such a beating.
It was just so much fun
To hear creative alibis
And shred your favorite jeans
And cut up your ties.
It’s true I was hurt once
But only in the beginning
When I noticed your devotion
Was all about winning.
While it’s true I’m a prize,
Worthy of far more than you
The betrayal you spun for me
Left me briefly quite blue.
But somehow, someway,
I still chose to forgive you
Your queasy charm damned,
I did it just for spite too.
One morning I woke up
And the air was so clear
I actually smiled wide
When I knew you weren’t here.
I tossed your musty pillow
And those beer mugs from hell
And, well, your mom’s wine glasses
Accidentally fell…
I used your toothbrush
To clean out my grout
And you know it worked quite well
To get those stains out!
I poured out your Rogaine
And tossed your clothes in the fire
To be honest, that morning
I couldn’t have felt higher.
I took all those white socks
With holes in the toes
And gave them to Goodwill
For barefoot hobos.
I tossed out the sheets
You last put your butt on
And scrubbed the shower
Till all trace of you was gone.
Me and Juanita,
You know that girl that you hate
Might of even used a spell
to make sure you don’t date.
Forgiveness, they say,
Is a wonderful thing
But the freedom of singlehood
Is much better than a ring.
So, no, there is nothing
In the apartment’s that’s yours
Perhaps you can find some stuff
In the local thrift stores.
I’d offer you some coffee
But I’d just rather sleep
Perhaps you could leave now
And come back next week.
You see I’ve done all my crying
And cursed all the gods
But in the end, realized
You were just a real clod.
So pack up your twinkling eyes
And that stupid goatee
And remember only in your dreams
Do you still have me