Middle Aged Mutant Ninja Squirrels

983 words

         This is the type of story that should begin with believe it or not. Up front I’ll let you know that even my best friends don’t believe me, but it happened. I guess this would rank right up there with UFO’s and Bigfoot. Although this story is just as strange as either of those examples it’s probably harder to believe.

         I remember it like it was this morning. The sun was shining, the flowers were blooming, and the birds were singing. The back deck was in full sun and the table I sat at was getting warm. My coffee still steamed after fifteen minutes and I was beginning to sweat. This was the kind of morning when I could almost be convinced to buy a pool. As it was, I was thinking of running through the sprinkler. Suddenly the grind of the garage door opening broke the picturesque setting. My wife was at work and no one else had an opener. I ran down the steps and around the house to the now open garage.

         There was nothing out of the ordinary other than the door being open. Just as I was about to close the door and get back to my morning coffee, a push broom leaning against the back wall of the garage fell over. I then saw movement out of the corner of my eye. It appeared to be a squirrel.

         I ran to the back wall and yelled. This was meant to scare the squirrel and cause it to run out the door. It didn’t work. The squirrel charged me. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in front of a charging squirrel, this was my first time, but it’s not pleasant. My college biology class came to mind. The pictures of the squirrel’s anatomy were the first I remembered. It had a set of fangs that rivaled a rattlesnake. The squirrel used the fangs to break open nuts. I hoped this wasn’t what the squirrel had in mind as it charged. I did what any self-respecting man would do. I ran from the squirrel screaming like a little girl. I exited out the side door. Circling around I was back in front of the open garage door, a safe twenty feet away.

         As I stood there trying to figure out my next move I thought I heard laughter coming from the garage. Slowly I made my way forward. There I saw three squirrels grouped together. As one they turned toward me.

         “What are you looking at?”

         I stared back in disbelief. Then I began looking around the garage. This had to be some kind of joke.

         “Hey, I’m talking to you big boy.”

         I looked back at the diminutive squirrels. Not only was one of the squirrels talking but he was also doing De Niro or Pesci. I couldn’t tell.

         “Look, guys. Big boy can’t talk. You think he forgot how?”

         “I don’t think he’s ever seen squirrel’s wearing masks,” the taller one said.

         “Maybe it’s the weapons. Maybe he’s never seen squirrels carrying weapons,” the short, fat one added.

         Not only were the squirrels talking but they were now making fun of me. I didn’t know what to make of it.

         “Who are you guys?” I asked.

         “We are the Middle Aged Mutant Ninja Squirrels,” the fat one said.

         “The MAMNS?” I asked again.

         “Hey, buddy. It’s not supposed to make sense. Okay?”

         “I’m sorry, it just sounds funny.”

         “Funny how?” the first one asked.

         I now knew he was doing Pesci.

         I resisted the urge to continue with the bit. “What do you want?” I asked.

         “We want your nuts,” the fat one said.

         I involuntarily slammed my knees together and half turned away. My first fears were coming true.

         “No, you idiot,” the tall one said. “We want the nuts in your front yard.”

         “And if I said no?”

         With that they vaulted in to the air. Pesci landed on my head. The fat one hit me in the shin with his num chucks and the tall one stabbed my left buttocks with his tiny sword.  I spun quickly but Pesci reached down and grabbed two handfuls of my eyebrows. Dropping to my knees I again screamed like a little girl.

         “What did I ask you for?” Pesci said. “I mean, I’m asking you for a favor.”

         “Okay,” I screamed. “Take the nuts.”

         With that they jumped, did a somersault, and landed in front of me looking like three little stuffed animals.

         “That’s all we wanted,” the tall one said.
         “You couldn’t have said that earlier and saved us the trouble?” Pesci said.

         I was facing them when I glanced over their shoulder and saw my dog, Otis, looking in the door with his head lowered. A low growl sounded and rose into a high-pitched bark. The three squirrels turned as one when Otis made his move. He charged toward them, teeth showing. Pesci dove to the side then lunged toward Otis. In a matter of seconds Pesci was straddling Otis while he ran around the garage. The fat one threw a rope with balls attached to either end. They wrapped around the dog’s legs and he fell to the floor then skidded against the back wall. Pesci rolled off and landed on his feet.

         “Now, I believe you owe us some nuts,” he said.

         With that said they strutted out to the front yard, the Middle Aged Mutant Ninja Squirrels. I knew no one would ever believe me yet I told everyone. Hindsight tells me I should have kept quiet.

         Now I stare out my bared window, hoping the Middle Aged Mutant Ninja Squirrels make a visit to the Greenlawn Sanitarium. It’s been a year and I haven’t seen them. I know they’ll show up. They have to. I keep telling my doctor they’ll be here. He just shakes his head and takes notes.