Sex Lives of the Suburbanites

SEX LIVES OF THE SUBURBANITES



Oh Bejeezus, crivens, crikey.
Darn it, blast it, crumbs.
I’m stood here wearing Mildred’s Nightie
And here the gorgon comes.

“Walter dear, I’m home” she says
The door slams shut, Oh no!
I turn and try to run away
There’s no place left to go.

I promised her, I promised her,
I said I wouldn’t do
Exactly what I’m doing now
And in her nightgown too

Urgh.

With bulldog nose, waspish lips
And stomach clearly weaned on chips,
She strides with purpose through the door
And sees me pleading on the floor:

“Don’t jump to conclusions dear
Things aren’t as they may appear.”
“Not as they appear?” she cries,
"My tights are halfway up your thighs!"

“My love, my dear, my wife, my queen
My clothes are in the wash machine
And finding none inside my drawers
I thought I’d try on some of yours.”

“Okay you may not understand
This feather duster in my hand.
The wig and pigtails I must stress
Looked better in your other dress.”

She stared at me in consternation
And silent deadly agitation.
Then she seemed to make a choice
And spoke to me with rising voice;

“It’s not that I object to much
And dressed as me is fine as such.
You look quite fetching in the main,
The thing that startled me is Wayne!”

On the couch with face like plaster
Neighbour, friend and dungeon master
Wayne “the punisher” Estaire
Sits in half his underwear.

Best described as looking drained
In fluffy cuffs remains restrained.
Slightly balding, slightly fat
But certainly worth looking at.

His mighty jowls begin to wobble,
“By God Walter we’re in trouble!
I promised my wife Marion
I’d not put women’s clothing on.”

Strange to say but I could not
Sympathise with him one jot.
I’d problems of my own you see
Standing rather close to me

But then surprise! I turn and stare
My wife has gone from deep despair
To grinning like a Cheshire cat
Now what could she be smiling at?

Suddenly she laughs with glee
And shaking points at Wayne and me
“My god you must think I’m dim
If you think I don’t know ‘bout him.

“Jeez have you no sense at all
I’ve installed cameras in the wall
And speaking through a veil of tears
Says “We’ve been filming you for years.”

My jaw drops open, Wayne asks “We?”
Mildred says “Your wife and me,
We get together twice a month,
Once for dinner, once for lunch.”

“And once we’ve had a little wine
We snuggle up for movie time”
It’s popcorn crunching, prime time fun
For me and your wife Marion”

“The bit that both of us liked best
Was Wayne wearing his batman vest
And you dressed up as Uncle Sam
With buttless trousers buttoned on”

“But wait a minute that’s not all -
Think Clive and think his market stall
Yes that’s right a nice sideline
He does in products such as mine”

“I find this very hard to say
You’re famous faces on Ebay.
And we’ve made rather tidy sums
Selling both your bouncing bums.”