Courage in Truth

Courage in Truth


Telling the truth on things I think is sometimes one of the hardest things you can do is to be truthful, although it has been said by people wiser than myself that truth serves you best. It can sometimes be a difficult thing to do or even say to a person.

Hurt feelings of another person aside what of the rot you carry within yourself, by keeping your truth to yourself? By veiling yourself with a superficially that you like a person or are even interested in what they have to say or most hurtful of all being friends with a person only for you to then to suddenly stop speaking to you no explanation, no comment on why you don’t want to speak just a validation of simply ignoring them without explanation.

I myself have been guilty of this myself because it is a hard thing to say and do to tell a person you want nothing to do with them in certain circumstances for instance. There is a sweet lovely girl that I am going to have to tell this to today although I have told her before, that I love and care for her and look at her as someone I would love to give guidance and advice to but they don’t take it from me and instead ignore my pleas to not speak of certain subjects to me. I did myself take the coward’s way out and simply blocked her but I still check up on her and saw she is in a lot of pain and needs people who care for her in her life, I can only hope she will not only accept my help but respect my wishes as well.

I must be honest with myself before I can with others, so I will do it here… I am not always well, I try to project that everything is OK when nothing ever is, I even do this with the therapists that try to help me, that can’t help me if I am not honest but there is this fear within so strong that it overpowers me so much its crippling. I also bring a lot of my problems on myself, I obsess over things that have no direct concern over my life, a good friend pointed this out to me last night. And I have come to realize that I do this because then I would have to look at myself and that is a frightening aspect to contemplate.

If I am to get better I have to do this, I have to learn to say NO and mean it, I have to learn that it is truly and incredibly insane to repeat the same mistakes or doing the same things over and over again with the expectation of things being different this time around. I have to also accept others feelings as well even if they hurt my own and that the same way I don’t want to be friends with someone they have that right as well whether or NOT I like it, as this is MY LIFE theirs is their own as well to choose what they do and all I can do is wish the best for them and move on.

In order to progress, to live, to have sprit I must change and not try to change the people around me. I must live for me, care for me and LOVE ME. Do you know how long it has been since I loved myself??? I can’t remember and yet I can’t understand why I want to destroy myself at the same time, I don’t deserve any of it none of it at all!!! God does not make mistakes, he does not make contradictions and he definitely does not make useless people, we ourselves make ourselves these things not purposely but it happens and only we can change it, only we can make ourselves better and only we can have the hope in life that we deserve.

This is so hard to do!!! Seriously I am looking at the words and I am not sure if I am even believing them myself I want to I need to but will I? Will I really and truly read them, listen to them and practice them? I hope so… that is another truth I must admit to myself.

*** The only time we truly fail is when we don’t pick ourselves up and start over again – Unknown

Hope is the pain that makes us try again - Unknown