The Incident

The Incident - a screenplay by Thomas G Horn

Act 1

BK - Bobby Kirk
AC - Al Craw
CA - Craig Aitken
BH - Billy Higgins

It’s a typical rainy Friday morning in November in 1994 the place is Travernent Royal Mail Sorting Office in East Horton. Bobby Kirk has just arrived at work and doesn’t exactly feel over the moon about it - its not that he doesn't enjoy his job, nothing could be further from the truth.

Due to The Royal Mails current staffing problems, Bobby is not in the best of moods -  all this extra work is beginning to interfere with the level of ‘service’, that he is able to provide to certain customers on his post run. As Bobby prepares to begin his shift he is approached by one of his workmates, Billy Higgins, Billy is smiling broadly and Bobby is hoping that Billy is about to cheer him up…

BH - Aright Bobby ? how's it goin' ?
BK - No bad pal, no bad.
BH - This is a nightmare eh ? aw this bloody backlog - im knackered - I deh think I'll be at the bingo the night !
BK - Aye its nae guid this - ah was going to have a few pals fi the village roond the night for a wee drink but I deh think I kin be bothered now pal.
BH - Aye its guid having a wee drink oan a Friday eh?
BK - Aye, nothing heavy, just a few cans o Kestrel does me, ken?
BH - Oh by the way, ave goat some gid news fir ye Bobby pal !
BK - Aye ?
BH - aye - they've got somebody to take auld Willie's job - there's a new boy startin' oan Monday - a boy fi Hamperton, he's meant to be in this morning for a wee look around, cannae mind es name but ah deh think we ken um. Looks like we'll be able to get back to normal and no be stuck in here at weekends any mair.
BK - aboot time as well - gie me mair time wi ma customers !
BH - eh?
BK - ehh…nothing Bill, ah was only jokin.
BH - Fir f*cks sake Bobby  - Ah thought we had agreed that ye wid put a stop to aw that !
BK - Aye Billy - that’s no what I meant - ah…just… am - ah cannae just…
BH- F*cks sake Bobby - a'm no covering for ye any mair - ah dinnae mind helpin' ye oot now and again Bobby but a'm no losing my joab fir ye !
BK - I promise ye Billy I'll sort it oot this time - its just now and again…ah cannae help it !
BH - We'll talk aboot this later Bobby efter ma run - but ahm no jokin' - this has got to stop yer goin to get yerself in a lot of bother and am seek bailling ye oot.
BK - Aye Bill - sorry…see ye later oan eh?
BH - Aye.

As Billy goes through the back of to pick up his bags Bobby slumps down on his chair feeling even more depressed than when he first came in. Billy Higgins is certainly a good mate but Bobby knows only too well that even the best mates have their limits and Billy's limit appears to have been tested time and again over the last few weeks and he’s had to save the day too often recently. As he is about to make his way over to the sorting desk Bobby has a quick glance out the window and spots fellow postie, Craig Aitken arriving through the gate with another guy decked out in jeans, a white polo shirt and white trainers, the blonde stranger looks around 30 years old but this is rather hard to determine accurately as his hand is partially obscuring his face as he takes a draw from his rolled up ciggy.

Enter AC and CA

CA: Aye Bobby !
BK: Aye Craig, how's it goin' son?
CA: No bad Bobby, Dain away…by the way this is Alan, he's going to be starting with us next week and am going to give him the guided tour…
BK: shaking AC's hand: Hiya Alan, am Bobby, Bobby Kirk.
AC: Hiya,! am Alan Crow.

Act 2

- 4 Months Later

BK: Bobby Kirk
AC: Alcraw
WF: Wife Kirk
BH: Billy Higgins

AC has just arrived back at Travernent Post Office after doing his round.  It is about 1125hrs one Friday morning in early March.  It has been a crisp morning but the sun is now shinning and it is breaking up the cold air a bit before late afternoon will bring the frosty air back down on the sleepy town.  BK, is in the yard putting some sacks of mail in the back of the van as AC passes him.  They both know they are about to finish their shift so moods are much better than they were at 0500hrs that morning when they started

BK: Hi Al, How’s it gon?
AC: No bad Bobby, yer sel?,
BK: No bad
AC: heard ye had a we bit bother this morning, did Billy Higgins find ye OK?

BK: Aye…eh…fine Al, nae bother, nothing to worry about… here I’m gonnae sit in the hoose on Saturday night and have a few cans o Kestrel, the wife ull be there but yer welcome to join us.

At this point a fellow postman , Billy Higgins, emerges from the front door of the Post Office

BK: Aright Billy?
BH: Piss off!
BK: uncomfortable fake laugh: aye he, heh.
AC: Aright Bill?
BH: Aye no bad Alan, cannae wait for this day to be over…
AC: been bother likes?
BH: Ask Bobby.

BH Storms off.

AC: whats wrong wi him Bobby?
BK: Nae idea Al, eh…strange boy…eh…not sure. As I was saying, Saturday night?
AC: That sounds a really good idea Bobby.  How will I get up?
BK: I’ll either come and pick you up masel or I’ll get ma wife to come and get ye.
AC: That’s really good o ye Bobby, should be laugh, it's borin' aroond the hoose noo since she f*cked off, the hoor.

Later on that day BK gets home and sees WK.  BK is quite excited about Saturday night as he thinks AC is a good friend that he can trust, especially as he suspects that he now knows about his extra curricular activities, BK feels this could be an opportunity to sweeten him up and keep him quiet.

BK: Hia hen, uv invited Alan from work round on Saturday night to join us for a few drinks.  I want to have a couple of cans before he comes up so will it be OK if you run me up to Hamperton at aboot 6 on Saturday to pick him up?

WK:  That’s fine Bobby, it sounds as though Alan is a really nice guy, I’m really looking forward to it, should be a great night.

Act 3

BK - Bobby Kirk
AC - Al Craw
WK - Bobby's Wife

Al Crow and Bobby Kirk are enjoying a few drinks round at BK's hoose Bobby's Wife has nipped through to the kitchen to make some coffee as it is becoming obvious that the drink is getting the better of Al.

AC: BOBBBBYYYYY  !!!!
BK: Aye al mate that’s enough, that’s a wee bit too loud there mate !
AC: BOBBBYYYYYY KIIIIIIRRRRRRRRK !!!!
BK: Aye OK al that’s too loud, stop it pal, nae need tae shout, the neighbours'll be in their bed !!!
AC: BOBBBBYYYY YA RADGEEEEEE !!!!
BK: Right al if ye keep goin' on like this I'll hae tae ask ye tae leave !
AC: F*ck you bobby, I'll tell yer wife what ye get up tae when yer meant to be on the post !
BK: Shut yer pus !
AC: Aye a bet she would be interested tae ken aboot aw the times that I've had tae get Billy Higgins oot tae pick yae up ofae folks livin' room flairs !
BK: through clenched teeth: shut yer pus al or i'll knock ye oot !!!!
WK enters living room
WK: Whats aw this shoutin' lads, c'mon calm doon, Bobby your up at 5’ the morn !!!
AC: Aye he'll be "up", awright !
WK: Eh, what's that supposed to mean Alan?
BK: Nothin' hen !
BK: Right Al , are ye ready tae head? I'll just phone ye a taxi…
AC: BOBBBBBBBBBBYYYYYYY !!!
BK: Shut up ye a clown !!!
AC: BOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBYY KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRKK !!!
BK: Right that’s enough Al get oot !
AC: Geeeze another can !
WK: Aye c'mon Alan, I think you've had enough !!!
AC: You shut yer mooth ye a fat hoor, aw wumen are the f*ckin same - just like that slag up the road !
BK: Right that’s it ya cheeky bastard get oot !

BK start's to gently manhandle AC towards the door as WK tries to clear the way by moving a few chairs and opening the door

AC: Ahhhhhhhh, leave ees alain ya couple o bastards ! Ahhhhhhh, maa airm ahh yer breaking ma f*cking airm, ahhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhh, aaaaahhhhh !
BK: Ahm hardly touching ye, yer steaming, c'mon just wait ootside and I'll get ye a taxi…
AC: Dinna touch me, I'll get ye chairged, ahh, this is assault…
BK: Get oot ye a clown !!!
WK: Aye Alan this is terrible, oot ye get and sober up !
AC: F*ck off !!! baith oh ye !!! I'll kill yes baith !!!

BK manages to push AC out the door into the garden

BK: Quick hen shut the door ! SHUT THE F*CKIN' DOOOOOOR !!!
WK: In tears: I'm tryin Bobby…

AC is now outside the house BK and WK are back in the living room getting their breath back …

AC: (through the letter box) BOBBBYYYY Goan let es in man !!! its baltic oot here !
BK: Al, just go away yer drunk I'll speak to you the morn mate, c'mon !
AC: Bobby yer a wanker !!! , does yer wife ken aboot aw the cairry on wi you and aw the hoors oan yer roond? Does she ken that Billy Higgins has had to…

AC is unable to finish his sentence as BK is now outside delivering blows to his  face and body Al Craw can do nothing but surrender to his aggressor. Bobby is like a man possessed

BK: between punches: JUST SHUT YER FUCKIN' MOOTH ! YE COUDNAE LEAVE IT ALANE COULD    YEEEE ?
WK: hysterical: BOBBBBYYYY GET INSIDE NOW !!!          
BK: YOU SHUT YER PUS YE A FAT HOOR !!! OR YOUR GETTING' IT TAE !!!
AC: AHHHHHHHH !!! LEAVE ES ALANE !!! AHHHHHHH !!!
WK: HEELLLLPPPPP SOMEBODY PHONE THE POLISSSSSS, HELLLLPPPP
BK: SHUT UP !!! FOR F*CKS SAKE ! BAITH OH YES !!! SHUT UPPPP, SHUT FUCKIN' UPPPPPPP  !!!!
SHHHUUUUTTT YEEERRR F*CCKKKIIINNN MMOOOOOOTTTHHSSSS !!!


THE END