Life Among the Cookies

Life Among the Cookies

I knew what I had done the moment the door clicked shut. It wasn’t as though anyone got hurt. Not physically anyway. Not even visibly. Unless, of course, you want count the bags under my eyes from crying and the sleepless nights to come. We both knew it would happen. Friends sometimes drift apart, but best friends, well, we shouldn’t. I love you. I hate you. I need you. I can’t. Not anymore. I saw you with her, happy, in love. I can’t help but want to ruin that, the way you ruined me.

We have lived next door ever since I could remember… well at least since I moved here when I was six. That was eleven long years ago. You were my first friends, my best friend, and my only real friend over the years. When I was hurt, you were there. When you were hurt I was there. When I was cramming for a test, so were you. Your arms and house were always open, ready with chips, pizza and anything else you need for a late-night cram session. You were always there for a hug, a deep conversation, a shoulder to cry on and you were the one to go to for a good laugh. You always had your daily joke. Now she’s in the picture, a third wheel in our relationship. In your eyes, however, I’m lower than a third wheel. I am nonexistent, dirt, that fly on the wall, looking gin, being so close, but never truly being noticed, Never one hundred percent there.

About six months ago, Gracie moved in on the opposite side of me. I was the delicious ingredients, squished between two pieces of bread. Of course, now I just feel like we make a “wish sandwich”. Only, I am the only one that wishes something was between the two pieces of bread. I was no longer funny though. Especially if we were outside our houses, swinging on that tire swing in my front yard, hanging from the tree house in yours. What if Gracie heard us? I know that now, but before I just thought you were crazy, that you were growing older, and lost your sense of humor. I was so naïve. That was the first sign our relationship was crumbling before our eyes. I tried to ignore it, I didn’t want to believe it. I saw only what I wanted to, I was a horse and my blinders went up, especially when Gracie was around or mentioned. It was strange. Now that I think about it, Gracie was always there.

She isn’t extraordinarily pretty. Okay, she is gorgeous. A lot of guys like her. Jealous of you. The new kid plague didn’t even faze her. She wasn’t new, we simply didn’t know her. But you, you really wanted to, you wanted to know all about her. You talked about her luscious red hair, so dark, against her pale, freckled face. Stunning. Her gray eyes were omniscient, you say. You told me once, you loved hearing her tell stories because you could not hear a word and know everything she was thinking, all the emotions she wished to portray. You knew it all, just through her eyes. The way they light up and her face shines. I should have known then that our friendship was all it would ever be. We reached that perfect point, just before the cookie burns and gets hard around the edges, and now we passed that point and there was no going back.

By her third day at school, you had already pinned her as your friend. She told us she didn’t want a boyfriend, that she just ended an amazing relationship and couldn’t bring herself to love another guy so quickly. Guys tend to be persistent, but their attention spans are shortened when they don’t think they will get anything from a girl. You didn’t though, I see that now. We became like the Three Musketeers. You, Gracie, and I. We were inseparable. We made a promise to be best friends forever. Ha! What a joke. How long did that last? Not forever, no thanks to your hormones.

We had every core class together, the three of us. As for our electives, we varied a little. I had art, you had extra classes, like science and math and Gracie, well, she had clothing design. We were all different, yet we seemed to bond so well, well you two bonded and we had an unbreakable bond, well, at least we though we did. The only thing that could ever come between us was Gracie.

Every time I think of her, every time I heard the name, I retch. She’s a phony. She’s killing you. She’s killing your soul; everything you stood for is gone. Everything! The last thing you had to cut out from your old life was me. So why did you invite me to go along with everything? We continued to be inspirable, even though you had to get rid of me eventually. Why prolong that? All you did was hurt me in the process. Just could kill your best friend could you? You loved me. You needed me. I hope you realize what you did to me.

You and I had been naïve. We had never been kissed and always were single. We were down to earth and decided to wait for that special person we were drawn to. We wanted to be more mature, more ready. We would never rush into dating, making sure neither of us were, well phonies. I mean, making sure the relationship was pure and no one was putting on an act. We couldn’t stand it when our friends were hurt because of stupid decisions in dating. Now everything is different to you. Thanks to Gracie. I though you were perfect, I was waiting for you to be ready. I loved you. I hated me for loving you. We were best friends and we were perfect together. We said we would wait for the perfect person. You had your blinders on now. I guess we both had our blinders on for so many years. We missed out. There is no going back. I still loved the idea of us together though; I thought you felt the same way. I guess I was wrong.

Gracie’s birthday was yesterday. Tonight we had a little shindig at her house. Gracie, you and I. I skipped the last few periods so I could bake some cookies and a cake for Gracie. I love baking. Its calming, plus you get a product once you are done. I cut off my engine and bolted for my door. I had laid out the recipes and all the ingredients last night to speed up the process. I carefully measured out all the ingredients, adding a little extra sugar and tons of chocolate chips into the cookie dough. I had my oldies blasting from my computer and I danced around and sang into the mixing spoon or whisk, whatever I happened to be holding. I was so excited for the party. I loved my friends. I loved baking things for you guys. I finished baking hours later, covered in flour and full from testing the batters, trying to perfect them, for you.

You and Gracie should have just been getting home when I finished. The cake was cooling in the fridge and the most of the cookies were in a Tupperware container. One more pan was in the oven. I can’t believe I forgot them. I have never burned cookies. Ever.

I used to bring you cookies every weekend. We would see each other every weekend, do you remember? We rode to and from school together each day, except on Fridays. On Fridays I would visit my dad. He was a great cook and we baked cookies every Friday. We made ourselves sick from all the cookies, not to mention the amazing meals we used to make. Then he dropped me off at your house. Do you remember? I would bring you cookies every Friday night and we would have a sleepover, staying up all night talking and eating cookies. In the summer we would sneak out onto your roof. Your mom never did find out did she? We used to sit up there and shell peanuts too! We made a little pile. Then I put a bucket down there so we had a target. Do you remember? In the winter we used to see who could make the best snowball and then throw it the furthest. You made a better snowball, but your throws were, well pathetic. We laughed so much back then. We were always laughing.

Your mom always commented on our upbeat, optimistic demeanor. Your sister was always annoyed, my mom hardly cared. All she cared about was that the cookies and the stories from my dad’s house made it back to her house. As long as that didn’t happen, she didn’t care what I did. My dad was so happy I took after him in my demeanor. It helped I was young then. I have a lot in common with him. Neither of us take broken hearts well. My mom won me in the custody battle, thanks to his heart condition. Now that I know how he felt, I wish he had fought harder. We could reminisce together, rather than being destructive about it. But I’m not seen by my heart, broken on the floor in your room. I’m a scared kid that can’t take care of herself. You can’t see my heart, which was broken by you. But you can’t see that. You are too wrapped up in your world and Gracie.

Gracie, Gracie, Gracie! She claimed to be our friend, our best friend. She promised we would be together forever. She lied. She is as much to blame as you, as I sit here, hiding, wishing I could disappear, wishing I could be more like Gracie, just to be closer to you. I could dye by hair for you. Cut it shoulder length and part it everyday. I could learn to speak with my eyes. God knows I love you more than she does. Whatever you want I can do it, for you!

No! I shouldn’t have to change for you! My best friend, best friend. Ha! I refuse to dye my hair, or part it any special way. I refuse to give in to the pressure of wanting to be close to you. Forget it. If you don’t accept me as I am, you aren’t worth it. You aren’t! You can’t be worth the heartache I feel in this moment.

After I baked you and Gracie those cookies and made her that cake. I sat awhile just listening to my music, so excited. Tonight was going to be so much fun. You and I hadn’t had a sleepover in some time, but tonight was an excuse. I couldn’t wait to sit up all night eating my special cookies. Baked with love, baked the way you like them the best. I wondered why you hadn’t called at this point, so I went to go find my purse. I sat for a moment longer and began to walk slowly, whistling as I went to our favorite song. Do you remember it?

It was by Del Amitri. Roll to Me, I think. “Look into your heart pretty baby, is it aching with some nameless need? Is there something wrong and you can’t put your finger on it? Right then, roll to me…” Roll to me! Roll to me! You know you aren’t happy with her over me. Your best friend. I’m here for you! I’m here! Waiting, hoping, stewing but waiting.

I pulled out the pouch that concealed my phone from the depths of my massive purse. It was all the rage to carry around suitcases practically. It did come in handy, unless you were trying to find something of course. I touched the worn fabric of that pouch and my face softened and I smiled even bigger than I had while I was baking those damn cookies. My phone slid out effortlessly. You had left me a text message an hour ago, that you were at Gracie’s. I was surprised you were so early, but I suppose if I could skip, why couldn’t you? I slid my phone back into my purse and headed back into the kitchen, back into my fairyland, into my dream world. Jackson Browne singing of lost love and the smell of those cookies. I pulled the cake from the bottom shelf of the fridge and snapped the top onto the carrier. I stacked my Tupperware of cookies on top and sniffed the fragrant air again. I love baking.

I remember one time, I invited you to my dad’s house. It was one of those wonderful Friday nights. We baked cookies and grilled out. You accidentally put in too much sugar. My dad wasn’t a huge fan of sugar, and especially chocolate chips, so I put in a handful or so and cut the sugar down a little. It was better for my dad’s heart anyway. You dumped in the whole bag of chocolate chips. We laughed as we baked, my dad, you and I. It was one of the best memories of you, and my dad, before he got sick. You made cookies with me for months after my dad died. Midnight, three in the morning, two in the afternoon we baked whenever I was depressed about the situation. It helped me cope. You were always so good to me.

I walked to Gracie’s slowly, tenderly. I was so excited to be with my two best friends, to celebrate my new best friend’s birthday with her. I had on my favorite outfit; my favorite jeans, tight, dark wash jeans, not a special brand, just simple jeans. I had on a baby yellow shirt, also tight and went just above my elbows. My hair was parted to one side with two bobby pins keeping it out of my eyes. It was really curly thanks to the fall humidity. I had on a simple pair of black flats too. I hoped you would notice me in a special way. I didn’t get my hopes up though, I was giving you time.

Two more steps and I was on Gracie’s porch. You were both on the bench swing and grinned at me. You were playing some card game laying the cards in between you, on my place on the swing. Gracie’s mom heard me at the door and came and got the sweets from me. I sat on the stamped concrete floor next to the bench swing. Gracie looked gorgeous in the afternoon sun, her head appeared to be on fire, but it was spectacular, I couldn’t look away. Her eyes glowed with warmth as they did when she was happy. She looked so strong, so content, so… something I couldn’t even begin to fathom. You, well, you looked so happy. You were happier than I had seen you in years. Your long curly brown hair kept falling into your eyes, but you didn’t care. You kept looking up at her, she kept looking up at you. I just watched, basking in the sun with my best friends. Finally your card game ended. Gracie looked my way. She told me I looked beautiful. I smiled and returned the compliment.

Liar. I doubt she saw me, thought I looked pretty at all. She only wanted the comment back. She wanted to be the center of everything. You and I fell for her act and complied, like robots. Like we didn’t have brains of our own to think, to decide what we thought was beautiful. You loved landscapes and my paintings at one point, when we were younger. Now you just want to run lines with her, or have her quiz you on some science or history course. You are feeling smart. I see past your disguise. You hide behind your books. You have no friends other than me. I’m smart too. I just make sure I don’t single myself out as the smart kid. I take what I have to, I don’t like extra math classes. I try to take a breath every once and awhile. You want to be the best, the smartest. With her it’s not even a challenge is it?

I used to paint you. I even painted Gracie. I never painted myself. I could find the feelings buried under the stupid grins and bring out the true you. I was too afraid to find something I didn’t like in my own. If I had painted myself, I would see a sad girl, ready to blow if you cross her. I would see a weak girl, living for her friends. That is all I have, you see. I’m done though. I can’t live like that anymore. This is our first and last fight. I am done. So done.

We ate pizza for Gracie’s birthday. WE giggled and took it up to Gracie’s room. We climbed out onto the roof and ate the pizza there. Gracie is like you. She hates the crusts of the pizza. But that’s my favorite part. You usually share yours with me. But when Gracie threw hers off the roof, you tried throwing it farther than her. When I got to my crust, you both told me to try to throw it further. I shook my head and stuffed that crust into my mouth, mostly to show that I liked the crusts. But you know that. Gracie probably never noticed. She is a bit of a space cadet. You took our game. It was ours, yours and mine. You shared it with Grace. She isn’t me. She isn’t your competition. I am.

What do you see in her anyway? She isn’t smart, she isn’t interesting, she is one dimensional. Oh, I forgot. She’s pretty. Who cares about looks? In thirty more years you both will look awful anyway. I guess you deserve it though. The deepest rings of Hell are reserved for traitors, by the way. Karma, baby. Just remember that thirty years from now. But don’t bother coming crying to me. I won’t be there for you. You ruined it. It is your loss.

Once the pizza was consumed and our bellies were content, we went downstairs to eat the cake. Gracie sat on the end of the table, you on her right, I was on her left. Gracie’s mom brought out the cake with seventeen candles. She snapped smiling pictures of the three of us. Some candid, some set up. She promised to get me copies so I could do some painting for presents. The cake was delicious. Best one I have ever made. It was smooth and the icing was the perfect consistency. Grace ate a small piece and you followed suit. I ate a huge hunk of the cake. I mean, I wanted to make my cake and eat it too. I wanted to enjoy it. But it obviously was not good enough for you or little miss perfect.

You always ate more food than me, especially food I made! You always ate majority of my cookies and always had a bigger piece of cake. Why were you acting so weird? You weren’t being yourself. I didn’t think about it then, I had my damn blinders on again. I didn’t notice your arm brushing against hers, your eyes glued to hers, you both ignoring my very presence. How do you ignore someone? Your best friend no less? How do you pick one friend over another? We’ve been through so much together and now we are done? Its so hard to believe, so hard to breathe. But I can breathe! I can breathe easier. I am alone in this world, nothing to my name. I had you, now you are gone. Its not so bad. You have lost more than me. You lost a great friend, someone who would have given the world for you. I lost a false friend, who wouldn’t do the same. I am better off, my old friend, without you.

After the cake, I decided to go home and get what I needed for the night. Ten minutes was all it took from then until the awful moment. One second frozen in my mind forever. After ten minutes, eleven years of friendship fell off the edge of the earth. Gone forever, never to be seen again.

It was brisk outside, but I soaked it all in, loving the cool air kiss and caress me. I thought of you in that moment. I wish I hadn’t now. I twirled and swayed in that cool air, dancing through the last minutes of my life as it was known to all previously. At my house I collected my things after years of practice. Everything still stood where it had for years and years. Unchanging, unwavering like our friendship, until now. I walked back quickly, no longer longing the touch of the cool air, but longing for your touch, knowing we could still be friends after so many years. I wanted more. I hoped you did too! I hoped you felt the same way, longed the same way to touch me then, like the wind touched me, loved me, kissed me, held me in the highest regard. I wish I hadn’t, I wish I had stayed with the wind, forever swaying and twirling, forever happy, forever unchanged by anything other than the wind ruffling my hair and clothes. Forever. You and I. Me and You. Us. Forever.
I got back to Gracie’s house. Her mom was not longer in the kitchen. I grabbed three more cookies, taking one in my mouth. I took a huge bite. Something was wrong. It tasted dry in my mouth. I assumed I was just nervous. I then took the stairs two at a time. I needed to see you. Tonight was it. You would know how I felt. You would see me and my emotions and you. I couldn’t wait. I had been waiting so long I was ready to burst. It was Gracie’s birthday, I knew I should wait. Things would become awkward. But I didn’t care. It was time long overdo. It was time. Finally! I thought this day would never come! I reached the top of the stairs and reached for the doorknob, the cookie had been consumed, my heads sweating profusely. I was so excited, so nervous. Then the world crashed down.

I turned the knob and pushed open the door. The taste of cookie turned to chalk in my mouth. But in that moment, the world stopped spinning, the wind stopped blowing, my heart stopped beating. I stopped breathing. Then everything leapt into place trying frantically to catch up. The world spun faster the wind blew harder, my heart beat faster and my breaths became shallow and quick. Then it came crashing down. I didn’t know what to do. I stood frozen. Then a tear slid down my cheek, but still I stood, appalled. You! How could you! To me your best friend! In that moment I wanted to kill you, hug you, kick you repeatedly, and kiss you so. Yet I stood still and frozen. Paralyzed. How could you?

I saw you living out my fantasy, you holding her tight, kissing her gently. I froze, a foul taste in my mouth. I always hated the cookies with extra sugar. I did that purely for you! I didn’t know how to react. You didn’t see me then.. You only knew of her, that ungrateful friend of mine. Finally your eyes opened and saw mine, brimming with tears. Your clear blue eyes told me everything. You had chosen. You didn’t understand how it hurt me. You pulled away from her. She looked into your eyes with her perfect ones. She saw the pain and confusion on his face, and turned to me. She gave me the worst grin I have ever seen. You continued to hold each other. I continued to stare, tears coming faster, me not noticing them. You staring at me, torn. She stared at me, triumphant. All I wanted to do was hurt you in the smallest part of the way you hurt me. I wanted to run away and never see you again. But I couldn’t do anything other than drop the cookies on the floor.

What would you do if I broke away from you? What would I do? What would you do if I then laughed in your face? What would you do? Then I slammed the door. That awful piece of wood. All that separated me from you was that door. I couldn’t open it until it was too late. But I love that door. It hid me and my feelings from you. It hid me from her. I couldn’t see her face. I wouldn’t let her see me and what she did to me. I wouldn’t let her see me like this. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of seeing what she and done to me. With seeing you and that door swinging open, I died a little. I slammed that door so hard.

It was funny. I didn’t hear the door slam or the picture break, the sound of our friendship shattering before us. I heard the door click shut. Like a phone call ended abruptly, that simple, as simple as hanging up a phone. This was anything but simple. I am done. We are finished. You are killing me. You are killing us. We are gone. A memory.

Look at what you did.

We are dead. My promise has been rescinded. I refuse to be your best friend and love you forever. You did this. You did this. Not me.

I slid down the door into a little heap, my back pressed against the door. The tears kept coming. I was sobbing now. I had to leave. You heard me and did nothing. Gracie’s mom came into the hall, probably mad about the picture, not caring about me or my tears. I doubt she ever liked me, just like the rest of you. That was enough of a reason to get up. I flew out of that house sobbing. I collapsed in my front yard and eventually climbed into my tire swing.

Here I am. Come get me. If you don’t want to get me, kill me. I can’t do this anymore. I sit here now, hours later, no longer crying, clear headed. I have my back to Gracie’s house. Every time I see it, I imagine it is burning. I can’t comprehend what has happened. But it must be for the best. I can breathe easier. I am independent and strong. Friends aren’t meant to be together forever. No one is. I hope you enjoy Gracie’s company. I hope you are happy. I have to say good bye because things will never be the same. I was too slow.

I want to let go, but you live next door. I love you! I know I shouldn’t but I do. I love you. I hate you too. I wasn’t your choice. That’s life. But I will continue to love you and hate you forever. You were my best and only true friend.

I played it out in my head a million times from then until now. You would come up to me and want to stay friends. You would apologize for hurting me. We are done. I will say to you. You should accept it too. We will both cry but it will be for the best. I will try to hate you when you walk up. But I won’t be able to help it. I will grin and want to hold you tight. My whole face will soften. I will say your name, and without changing your gaze you will say mine. I will not melt with your words. I cannot be hurt. We are no more. We can’t be. I need to, no, I have to resolve this.
In my head I only want you to come. Roll to me, roll to me!

Then you do.