Searching for the End

                                          Searching for the End

Opening the door, lingering smoke hits her like a brick wall. 

The same thoughts blare through her head, “How many times do I have to ask him not to smoke in this house?  I absolutely hate this!” 

She feels her mood go from tired to extreme rage. The instant tension screams like fingernails across a chalkboard. 

The voices of those who love her echo in her brain. 
What are you still here for? 
Is this what you want to look forward to the rest of your life? 
Is this fair to you? 

The burden to put up and shut up is so heavy she can barely bring herself to step into the door anymore.



Turning the corner her tired arms drop the groceries hard on the table. 

Her back aches from twelve hours of hard work, yet she still went food shopping.  Her gift? A sink full of dishes that resemble a Jenga puzzle, remnants of a breakfast spilled on the stove, lunch crumbs on the counter, garbage that is overflowing and sounds from the cellar dweller playing Nintendo, her reward. 

Playful bellowing comes from the basement, “Woo, Woo is that you?”  The baby bird calls out, “I missed you, come down here and give ME a kiss.”

The cry of the needy really pisses her off.



The endearing buffoon doesn’t have a clue as to how non-receptive she is to anything at the moment, least of all meeting his needs. 

You want a kiss!  She thinks to herself, how about you get off your sorry ass and clean a path to the sink, so I can make the fucking dinner you will be requesting next. 

Does she say this? 

Of course not, if she did it would just make things worse. 

“I’ll be down after I clean up the kitchen and cook dinner," is her reply.  That’s all says, as she goes about the all too familiar tasks that are expected of her.



She hears footsteps, in a hurry, up the steps.

To her amazement he sprung to life. 

She is confused, is he actually going to come up to help? 

NO- His greeting  is an attack, pushing himself into her space with that crazy determined look in his eyes.

Inches from her face he points as he pounces, "You never cease to amaze me!  You have been gone all day and half the night and you can’t take two minutes to come down stairs and give me a kiss? "

"You know I wait all day for you."

"You don’t even have enough time for a kiss?" 

She feels her mind go numb, as disgust rises from within.

He continues like a spoiled little child having a tantrum,"I have needs and they sure as hell aren’t getting met siting around waiting for you!”



Before he continues his barage, she knows the accusations will come next. 

His hands shaking from being so angry he starts,  "And again, would you like to explain why it took so long at the store? Let me guess, you searched the whole grocery store for those 4 bags of groceries for an hour?  Yeah right!  One of these days I AM going to follow you.  I am telling you, if you are fucking around behind my back your both dead.  When are you ever going to learn how to act in a relationship?  Really, I am telling you all of this because... I love you and want you to wake up before it’s too late."

She stands frozen in place, confused, wanting to scream back at him, but she remains silent. 



In the minutes he has gone on with his infamous speech, she feels nothing but numb, beneath the numbness is rage, but she has learned to stuff that down.

She doesn’t hear half of what he says any more. 

Before he rose from the dungeon, he calls his apartment; she was reading the directions on the box of macaroni and cheese. 

He is blubbering on about how she doesn’t know how to have a relationship and all she can think of is,

“Do I have enough butter to make this?”



She snaps back to attention, hearing "I swear you always try to do this to me!  It isn’t fair!  One of these days I am going to walk out that door."

She smiles inside, thinking; if you only knew how happy that would make me, then again you do know how happy that would make me, that is why you stay to torture me isn’t it? 

The only thing that comes out of her mouth is a "sigh". 

He jumps on that with another cutting reply, “I am so sick of hearing you sigh, if you got something to say spit it out!” 

She opens her mouth as she feels her throat tighten, tears are brimming but she won’t give him the satisfaction of loosing it and screaming back at him like he wants. 

Screaming back gets her nothing but laughs. He will mock how out of control she is, and jeer who is the one who needs medications echoing though the house.

Out of the corner of her eye she sees her son peaking in the shadow of the hall. Now is not the time to tell him what she really thinks of him. 



Instead she thinks of this man, her husband, standing naked in front of her. His big belly jiggling up and down,

and she smiles. 

He thinks she smiles because she has come to her senses, when the truth is she loathes him. 

She turns to him and hugs him, kisses him and tells him she is sorry, she must be tired and in a grouchy mood. 

As she looks over his shoulder she sees her son. 

He looks sad, as he backs into his room. 

The cellar dweller barks, “Now was that so hard!” 

She shakes her head no, as she turns to the sink and starts to prepare dinner in hopes he will go away. 

The tears fall from her eyes,

for herself,

for the little boy that this man is ruining and for her inability to end this madness.

All she can think is, This is insanity.



How much more can she take?  She doesn’t know. 

Why does she take it?  She doesn’t know. 

Why is she here? She doesn't know. 

Why doesn’t she walk away? She doesn’t know. 

One thing she knows is abuse comes in all shapes and sizes, though he has not laid a hand on her body, he has brutalized her soul. 

She is very tired, as she mechanically makes the Macaroni and Cheese, and Hot Dogs.

She brings it to him, and he snarls.

“I can’t eat that this late, you know my stomach can’t handle that!  What... did you pick this on purpose?  It's past 9 o’clock at night for Christ sake!”



She says nothing, turns and walks up the stairs as he calls out to her, 

“Where are you going now?"

Sarcastically he snarls, "Let me guess your tired and you are going to bed!"

"What did I hurt your feelings?"

"You really have to grow up.”


She doesn’t answer him. 

He calls out, "I am serious where are you going?" 

"Why do you keep fucking with me like this! "

She picks up her purse and keys and goes to her sons room telling him to get dressed we are going some place special. 

He asks, “Now Mom?  Isn’t it late?” 

She replies,"It is very late, but it is never too late to reach the end."