The Little Engine with Self-Esteem...

The Little Engine with Self-Esteem Issues

By:  Liam Kerrigan

         Once upon a time there was a little train engine with an incredibly suckish life (if you can say that a train has a life).  He (if you can describe a train as a he) lived in an entire train yard of other trains who hated (if you can say that a train can have an opinion of another train) them.
         Every day he would go out and try to tow a much smaller train of cars than the other trains.  This usually resulted in immediate failure and he would be forced to tow an even smaller train.  He would then go to the nearest water tower to have his boiler refilled and be insulted (if you can say that a train is capable of speaking, which it isn’t) repeatedly and have smoke blown at him. 
         “YOUR MORE USELESS THAN THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE WHEN HE GETS DRUNK” they would say.  Thomas would often here this while his boiler was being filled with alcohol by some teenagers who thought it might be funny and answer in turn with “SHUT UP YOU WORTHLESS AMERICANS, I’M A VERY USEFUL ENGINE” (this is assuming that putting alcohol in a train engine’s boiler you can get the engine drunk, a train engine can be drunk, and that a train has a brain [which it doesn’t in reality] which can be affected by alcohol). 
         It was decided one day (by engineers who had stolen some of the “water” that had been put in Thomas’ boiler) that the new train railroad would be built over a gigantic hill instead of using dynamite to blast through it (which is just as well as alcohol and dynamite DO NOT MIX).  The trains were understandably upset about this (assuming that trains can be upset) when they found out.
         “Stupid good-for-nothing humans,” one engine said.  “They think we can go up giant hills.” 
         “I think I could do it.” Said the little engine.
         “Shut up runt!” the first engine said.
         Thomas the Tank Engine started a monologue which started with a string of drunken curses intended for the little engine but directed at a railroad tie and ended with early twentieth century liberal propaganda. 
         “No really I bet I could.”  The little engine said
         “Well then prove it.”  The other engine said.
         So the group of trains went to the hill where the railroad had been built and the richer trains (assuming a train can be rich) started taking bets on the success of the little engine.
         The engine started driving up the hill spraying sand at the rails. 
         “I think I can….I think I can…I think I…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh” he chanted as he started up the hill and immediately slid back down. 
         As the money was distributed the engine decided to try again.  The other engines started yelling at the engine to accept defeat but he ignored them. 
         “I think I can…I think I can…I think I can…I think I can…I think I can aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh”  he made it a bit further this time before he slid back down the rails again. 
         He decided to try it one more time
         “I think I can…I think I can…I think I can…”  He chanted to himself and bit back the screams of pain over his exertion.  After what seemed like an eternity the engine reached the top and began to scream in triumph.  Then he started to slide down the other side.  He smiled and laughed as the wind rushed by.  Then he looked ahead and noticed that the track had not been finished and he crashed in a fiery explosion. 
         

The End