The best and the worst all in two days.

The best and the worst, all in two days.

    I was home from work and as usual another day another dollar, and now it was time to fix dinner. The fragrant smell of the tomatoes, basil and various finely chopped fresh herbs and vegetables filled the house. I put the spoon of spaghetti sauce to my mouth appreciating how delicious it was because Tom had spent hours preparing it all home made the night before.
         It would be my son and I alone for dinner tonight. Tom’s son was staying the night at a friend’s house and rush hour traffic could cause additional hours to be added to Tom’s journey home.
         Tom was a New York City Ironworker and included in this job was a schedule with a lot of spontaneous overtime hours. I did as usual fixing him a large dinner plate, covering and placing it on a warmer in the oven. As I put away the food and began to clean up the dishes, I noticed that it was seven-thirty. An eerie feeling suddenly filled me with worry as I thought it’s very unusual for him to be this late. I dismissed the feeling with a shrug thinking surely he was fine and would probably call soon. He was probably just held up on the interstate after all that was not even close to being a rarity.
         While sitting back to relax for a moment I couldn’t help but smile as I thought of the wonderful day Tom and I had the day before. It was the ideal family day, the kind I never experienced until Tom. Tom had saved me. He brought me to him when I needed hope and showed me real love. The kind of love that is tough, romantic and understanding and above all showed me what family is supposed to be.
         The day before was a wonderful example of his loving nature. Tom and his mom, his six year old daughter, my eleven year old son and of course myself were all together for a simple day of fun. First we had a stop at the pizza place for lunch filled with chat, laughter and the occasional love filled stare as I caught Tom looking at me from the corner of my eye. Those blue eyes twinkling as he looked at me, the kind of look that always ended with a big smile passed between us, a smile of words that we didn’t even need to speak. Then we made stop two at the bowling alley. It didn’t matter who won or if we could even bowl or not, it truly was in the joy of being together as a family. It was a day I will always consider one of the best days of my life. The smile left my face as I looked at the clock and realized it was now eight forty-five. Wow I thought traffic must be terrible, and off to the shower I went.
         The shower left me feeling very relaxed so I stretched out on the bed next to the large male dog, an Argentinean dojo. I petted him lovingly as he happily snuggled in next to me, and that is how I drifted off to sleep. It was the smaller female dojo diving on the bed that woke me the first time. I couldn’t believe that I had fallen sleep. I got up to let the dogs out and noticed it was ten thirty-five. I wondered if my son had gotten to sleep on time and where was Tom, he still wasn’t home. While checking on my son and seeing that he is fast asleep in his bed a sudden cold chill sent shivers down my spine covering every inch of my body in goose bumps. For a split second I saw his eyes, an image from my mind showing those eyes that were like no other. They were blue yes, but the blue you see when lightning flashes in the sky and just as bright as the lightning itself. As I subconsciously shook off the vision, I found myself saying out loud “I’ll just leave him a note to wake me when he gets in, I’m sure he’s fine.” Part of me knew something wasn’t right the other part argued back inside my head that I was just being silly.
         I wrote the note on the tablet and with the pen we left on the kitchen counter at all times. It was a way to make sure a busy family kept clear communications. If you weren’t sure where a family member was or what was going on, you could fill in all the blanks by going to the tablet. It was the tablet he always left me a loving word or some sort of encouragement on every morning before he left for work. It was the first thing I looked at every morning and it always started my day with a smile.
         I wrote, “Welcome home sexy, sorry you had such a long day. Please wake me when you get in, I’m worried it’s late and you haven’t even called. I’m going to try to wait up for you but because of a grueling day at work I am afraid I will fall asleep, that is why I’m leaving you this. Please be sure to wake me, I’m worried. I hope you're okay, I love you.”
         Just as I feared I fell asleep on the couch. This time when I awoke it was to a loud knock at the door, it was ten after three in the morning. It was the knock at the door that to this day still interrupts my dreams and wakes me in the middle of the night. It was seeing the police car in the front of the house that made me freeze in motion as I reached for the door knob causing the next loud knock to startle me.
         I opened the door and the officer introduced himself and asked for Tom’s son. I thought his son must have gotten in some trouble and told the officer he wasn’t home. “Why, is he in trouble, did he do something?” I asked. The officer just stood there looking at me for what seemed hours without a word but I’m sure it was only a few seconds until I screamed at him “Why are you here”.
      “Who are you, do you live here” that was all the officer asked me.
      “Of course I live here why else would I be answering the door at three o’clock in the damn morning!” That's when he asked me what Tom was to me, and I don’t remember what my response was only that my heart hit the floor at that second, tears filled my eyes, and I pleaded with the officer “please just tell me what is going on”. I knew then that something was very wrong but never would I have imagined what I would hear next.
         “There was an accident at the job site on the George Washington Bridge.”
        I looked at him puzzled not quite sure what he was saying. I began to scream at the officer “Where is Tom, what has happened?” By this point I was hysterical, emotions and mannerisms that cannot even be expressed in words.
        “The scaffolding iced over, no one knows exactly what happened, but he fell and was declared deceased on the site.”
        My world stopped, the tears stopped, everything just stopped at that moment as I stared blankly at the officer. I asked him, “what are you saying” still not believing what I had just been told.
        The officer handed me a card as his response was "the number on the back, call it for the details, and now if you could just sign here saying that you were notified and are responsible for notifying the appropriate next of kin.”
        “You, you’re telling me he’s dead” I screamed back in anger at the officer for telling me something that just, well it just couldn’t be.
        In complete monotone the officer answered, “Yes he is, now just sign here”. I don't know how my trembling hand signed that paper but I did and then the officer just turned and walked away leaving me only with a card in my hand and a complete emptiness inside. I turned and walked into the house, closed the door, threw the card and collapsed onto the floor in hard, weeping sobs.
         He was gone and yet all I could see was him in my mind. Flashes of memories, as if I was looking through a photo album of Tom, my heart and soul were shattered.
         The next thing I remember is a long time family friend and neighbor coming over; she had seen the police car and wondered if we were ok. She picked me up off the floor, helping me to the table, supporting me because my legs seemed to be like Jell-O and would not support my own weight. It was she that had to tell Tom’s mom. I tried but only ended up dropping the phone and collapsing onto the floor in tears.
         Everything after that is a blur. It is blurred from the pain and from the physical trauma I suffered at his funeral. The pain almost literally killed me. I was at his funeral looking at him lying there, his face and hands were swollen and he was in a suit that I knew he would have never worn. Suddenly the lights seemed to dim, the room started to spin, I called out his name and that was the last thing before waking in the hospital.
         The hospital said I suffered from severe shock cause by post traumatic stress syndrome. Apparently my heart had slowed to one beat every fifteen seconds and my breathing was limited to a faint gasp about every 20 seconds. I was told if they would have arrived any later than they did I would not have survived. Although the doctors made me sign a paper saying discharge was not approved by them they reluctantly let me leave after I flat out refused to be away from my son at this point in time.
         After all of this my world went out of control, I not only lost Tom, but also the dogs, the house, and my son had to go out of state to live with my mom so I could find us another place to live. All of this happened within a week of Tom’s death.
         The pain was too much. It was destroying me. That’s how all the alcohol, marijuana and cocaine came into play. Anything to try to numb me and if I destroyed myself in the process, at this time it really didn’t matter to me. I didn’t care if I was alive if I had to live without Tom. I almost succeeded at destroying myself a few times and had to be taken to the hospital after collapsing at work and in a grocery store from not sleeping or eating, only drugs and alcohol.
         Then just as everyone had given up hope that I would ever recover from what seemed to be the end of the world, Tom saved me again. I remembered the words he spoke to me when I first moved in with him. I was very frustrated at my failed attempts to find a job, and  was scared of going to the big city to look, his words saved me from myself. He said this to me, “Life is too short not to make it what you want it to be. All you have to be is strong, and I know you are. You’re smart, beautiful and a loving person that knows how to relate to people. Go out there and use that, use who you are. Take the world by storm and go after what you want. You can have it all if you just get off your ass and believe in yourself. You never have to be scared to do anything cause even if I’m not right there with you, I’ll be there in your heart battling against the world with you, that is called love.”
         I remember those words as if he just spoke them. Those words that have put me back on track so many times, just as they did that day. Those words got me home with my family where I needed to be, and gave me the courage to go to college and pursue the career I have always wanted. Those words are the source of my strength when I feel weak and the reason I will never give up.
         Tom taught me how to go after my dreams, to love, to be a family. Lessons that I will never forget and gave me strength I will never let go of. He is still here today in my heart battling the world with me, letting me know it is okay to move on and to believe in myself and make the most of life. He always will be right here with me, just as he said he would.