In God I'll Trust- Or Try To

In the bathtub with the water over my ears I can barely hear the kids running around downstairs. Water has such a soothing affect. We all came from it. And here I am. Feeling like an infant once again. I realize I have spent 22 years in formal education. And then another 40 years in the education of life; as a wife (twice) and a mother  of four. And here I am under water, wanting to know if I can go on another 42 yrs.

Just say it then. Say what? What shall I say? I don't know where to begin. You mean pray? About what? That I feel hopeless, but really shouldn't since the kids are healthy. That I feel worthless, but really shouldn't since I am with shelter and food and a good husband. That somehow or another, after giving birth to each divine child a piece of my essence, my core being, left me. Unbeknowst to me, I am now 42 in a tub of water and muting out the sounds of the divine children downstairs. This body I do not recognize. These hands are not just shriveld from the water in my bath. So where do I begin? Dear God, what the hell happened to my body? Please provide one miracle tonight. I swear I will take care of this body like a gem under glass! But I can't pray for that, that is so petty. People are dying in this world. I suppose I should treasure this body with its scars and marks from each pregnancy. Ok I give up on the body. I will handle that. But what about me? Dear God, I am so miserable, but please forgive me for that I know I should not be. But I am. And I am sad. Again, don't be mad, but really I am so sad. Yes everyone is healthy and we have food and a home. No major tragedies thank you God. But I am so damn sad and tired God. I don't know about another 42 years.

Well maybe my prayers have been all wrong. God I just want you to know that I am sad, tired and a little lost on what I am supposed to be feeling these days. All the kids are in school now. My husband says "Hey now you can go back to work full time". Yippy. I have been slinging consulting jobs for the past 12 years now. Making a small dent in saving for college for the 2 oldest. Now they are both in college. So now I can go back to "work". Just the thought of putting on a suit and having my nails done makes me creep out. But my role at home is no longer as imperative as it was for the past 20 years. Can this old horse go back into the race? Well I am not sure I really want to now that I see what the race is all about.
So that leaves me here, God, in this tub. Wondering what I am supposed to be when I grow up. I'll try something new. I will pray to hear you God, instead of you having to listen to me...