Arien

          I am the mother of four, the step-mother of four, and the grandmother of almost two. My grandson will be thirteen months old on the the twentieth of this month, and my granddaughter will be arriving any day. Out of the eight children that I am a mother to, at least five of them have severe chemical imbalances. Only three of them have been diagnosed. The other two will be in time. So . . . let us focus on one of the ones that has already been diagnosed . . . Arien.

         Arien is 18 yrs. old. She is bi-polar, psychotic, and she has minimal social skills. She decided, at a young age, that she wanted me all to herself and tried to kill off her sibilings on several occasions. She also learned how to take things that she knew about people and use them to her advantage. She doesn't care who she hurts, how she hurts them, or what effect her actions have on their lives, as long as she is getting her way. Her issues have had my nerves on edge for over fifteen years, and with the rate that my hair falls out; in her proximity; I'm surprised I haven't gone bald. I have had to have her in counseling since she was eight years old. She has been on an I.E.P. (Individualized Education Plan) in her schooling, and has been on meds for most of her life. When she is taking her meds and going to counseling; as she should; she manages to maintain somewhat of a balance. The problem is that Arien would rather flush her medication down the toilet than to swallow it. The other problem is that she is eight and a half months pregnant. Add to this the fact that she is, now, eighteen yrs. old, and we have a major problem.

         As soon as Arien turned eighteen, she insisted that she didn't have to listen to any authority figures any more. She was going to lay claim to her adulthood and revel in it. She was already off of her medication; as she was already five months pregnant by this time; and she refused to go to counseling. She also insisted that she could live wherever she wanted and that there was nothing that anyone could do about it. Therefore, she ended up homeless and destitute.

         Arien decided to call me, when she was at her most desperate, and beg to be able to come home. I, loving my daughter no matter what her faults, gave her one more chance. I explained to her that, following the last bout of insults, badgering, and damage done to my life, this was going to be her last chance. I told her that, barring a fatal accident, if she messed up this chance not to call me again. I reminded her of her adulthood and that I was no longer responsible for her. I also tried to get it through her head that she was, now, responsible for her own actions, and that if she got in trouble there was nothing I could do to get her out of it. None of this did any good. My daughter lasted two and a half months in my home. At the end of that time, after all the things she tried to do, the landlord said that it was either she got out or we all had to get out.

         From the time that Arien came to stay with me, in September last year, until the time that the landlord insisted that she leave, Arien tried to get rid of my fiancee. She made false accusations against his character and, when that didn't work, she tried to bribe his eight and eleven year old daughters into saying he was doing improper things to them. She figured that, if his daughters made these claims, I would believe them and get rid of Robert. She stole from me, she stole from Robert, and she made a false police report against our neighbor's fifteen year old son. She made it clear to Robert, in their conversations, that she wanted him gone, she wanted me all to herself, and that she didn't want anyone else in my life. She claimed that she was all I needed, and that she was going to make sure that she was all I had.

         It has been two months since Arien had to leave. I've talked to her, on the phone, several times, and I've gone to where she's staying once. That once was for the sole purpose of taking her things that she had left at my house. I also made sure that she had things that she's going to need for the baby. At that time, I hugged my daughter, I shed some tears, but I denied her the visiting time she wanted, and I insisted I had to go. I kept my emotions under control, and I did what I felt I had to do. I'm just getting to where my hair is no longer coming out in handfuls, again, and I know if I allow her to suck me back in, I'll end up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown. So . . . can anyone tell me . . . why do I feel guilty?