Insomnia

Lying on the couch while flipping through channels while half asleep has become my nightly routine.  Sure I may get an hour or two of sleep, but when I wake up I can’t tell dreams from reality.  This is the definition of insomnia…I can’t actually remember being asleep anytime in the past month.  I can tell you the monthly payment for a Bowflex Revolution, but I can’t tell you if my boss was on my ass about missing that meeting or if that was a dream.  When you can’t sleep infomercials are the only thing on TV.

‘Click.’  If I call now I can get a month supply of hair restoration product free. 

Ever since my neighbor below me moved in I can’t sleep.  It’s cold outside so he smokes in his bathroom.  There is no smoking allowed in the apartment so he turns on the exhaust fan.  Once smoke is released into a home, an extraordinary amount of toxins and contaminants stick to walls, furniture and any other object in the home. The toxins also can stick to carpet, bedding and light bulbs.  The toxins smell.  The exhaust fan cannot keep up.  It’s always on. 

‘Click.’  A can of foam promises to clean my firearm in just 15 minutes.  If I act now I get a second can free.

Most exhaust fans are silent.  This one is not.  This is the kind that rumbles and roars when you are at a party and have to take a dump.  You can’t help it but you know everyone can hear this thing loud as a jet engine and they know exactly what you’re doing.  These are the times you don’t quite dry your hands all the way so people can clearly see that you’ve washed them.  Well this fan is on constantly to try to get the smell out of the bathroom, and you can hear it in every room of my apartment.  This fan keeps me awake. 

‘Click.’  This whole knife set can be yours for the lowest price anywhere.  If I act now I get a free pair of kitchen shears.

The TV is so loud to overcome the exhaust fan my neighbors next to me are pounding on the walls.  The clock says that its 5:23AM.  I have to be at work in two and a half hours.  This is my newest hobby…calculating the hours of sleep I would get if I could just fall asleep in fifteen minutes. 

If you’ve been awake for 17 hours your body acts as if you had a blood alcohol content of .05%.  After 24 hours is .1%.  If I was really this drunk I would have no problem falling asleep. 

Suddenly there is a faint beeping sound.  It’s a test of the emergency broadcast system.  I change the channel but the sound remains.  It gets louder.  I check my cell phone, but its not ringing.  As I wake up I realize the sound is my alarm clock going off.  I get off the couch and as I stumble into the shower I make a mental note to call a repair man about the heater fan.  How did it ever get that loud?