I've Always Wondered

I gripped the blue and brown mug in front me especially hard.  How could I do this?  How could I do this to him?
         “Look, I need to tell you something.”
         Was I really about to do this?
         “What?”  His voice, flowed over to me, wrapping me up in its musicality. 
         I couldn’t!  I shouldn’t!
         “It’s just…  It’s really hard…”
         Someone stop me.
         “What’s wrong?”  Big brown eyes, almost like a little puppy dogs, were suddenly brimming with concern for me.
         Please stop giving me the concern!  I don’t deserve it!
         “Nothing!  Well I mean…” 
         Someone save him from me.
         “Lexi, please tell me.  I might be able to help.”
         Please, No.
         “Jake…  I can’t…”
         “Look at this, you’re crying.”  He started to lift up my chin to wipe away my tears.
         No!
         “No!  Stop it!”  I revolted against myself as I recoiled backwards from his touch.  I looked up slowly, there he sat.  He looked worse than hurt or wounded.  His eyes didn’t express anything.  Dead eyes.  “Jake… I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to…”
         Yes I did.
         “Yes you did.”  He spat out the words as if they were going to kill him.
         You shouldn’t be afraid of those words.
         “Please, just let me explain!”
         You should be afraid of mine.
         “Then explain!  Explain Lexi because I’m getting sick of… this.”  He gestured at both of us.  “I’m sick  of you flinching every time I get close to you!  It sickens me how you avoid my eyes in the hallways now!  What is wrong?”
         It’s too late.
         “Jacob, I’ve…  I’ve done something bad.”
         Oh yes bad, but you liked it.
         “What?”  His eyes darted nervously around my face, trying to find my eyes.  “How bad?”
         It’s going to kill you.
         “I…  I… I regret it you’ve got to understand that!”
         Bull shit.
         “Tell.  Me.  Now.”  His voice, once musical and silky, was now murderous and threatening. 
         Don’t do it.
         “I’m trying!”  I sobbed out the words through my sudden gush of tears.  I saw his shape shift from caring to something worse…
         Please No!
         “You bitch!”  He was by my side with his arm around my neck, making my breath come in small, harsh breaths.  “You fucking whore!” 
         “Please Jake!  I didn’t mean to!” 
         Please don’t.
         “Liar!”  He snarled and made the grip around my neck twice as hard.  He kicked the stool out from under me causing my feet to stumble around desperately looking for some leverage as I strangled under his grip.  “I’m gonna make sure you never lie to me again!”
         Would he dare?
         “Jake forgive me!  Please forgive me!”  I sobbed hysterically as he threw me down to the ground and kicked me in the ribs.
         He wouldn’t dare.  Would he?
         “I’m going to kill you Lexi.”  He whispered in my ears delicately, as if I were still his lover.
         He would.
         My body went rigid.  My heart seemed to stop in pure terror as it slowly sunk in.
         He’s going to kill me.
         “You’re such a whore.  You don’t deserve to live Lexi.”  I felt the cool blade of a knife slide down my neck threateningly.
         I’ve got to distract him.
         “You don’t even know what I did!”  I sobbed out in a tiny voice.
         He’ll by  it.
         The knife blade stayed pressed against my throat, threateningly to show who had the power.  “So?”
         ‘So?’  What a lame thing to say.
         “So, you’re just going to kill me without even knowing if I did anything wrong?”
           Funny how calm it is when facing death.
         Fear struck through me when I suddenly heard a harsh laugh from behind me.  “I know what you did Lexi.  Tom bragged about it right in front of me.  Thought you could get away with it did you?”
         Yes I did actually.
         “Please.”  I whispered pleadingly.          
         Let it be quick at least.
         The knife ran obscenely slow down to my stomach where he started to trace circles with it.  “You know Lexi, I’ve actually always wanted to see what it would be like.  To kill someone, I mean.  You just happened to give me the opportunity.  A murder of passion.” 
         Wow, how did I miss the psychotic part of his personality?
         “But… but we could be happy!”  I pleaded with him.  I would do anything to get out of this.
         Happy.  What wouldn’t I give to be happy?
         “Ha!  I love you too Lexi, but I can’t have you rushing around sleeping with different guys!”
         Might as well tell the truth, death is so close anyway.
         “I never loved you!”  I spat out insanely.  “I loved Tom!  You were just too stupid to realize it!”
         Stupid is actually a bit of an understatement.
         Suddenly an exploding pain hit me in the chest.  My skin felt as if it were on fire!  It had to be on fire!  Surely I was dying.  “Good!  Then you can be with Tom after I kill him just like I’m going to kill you!”
         Not Tom!  It wasn’t his fault at all!
         “Noooo…”  I moaned weakly.  I didn’t realize it but my hands had wandered up to grip something hard in the center of my chest. 
         The knife.
         “Oh yes Lexi.  You think that this wasn’t planned?  Tom’s waiting for me back at your apartment.” 
         Get the knife.
         Jake started to laugh hysterically.  And loudly.  Very loudly.
         Get the knife!
         Gasping out in absolute pain I yanked the knife out with a gush of warm liquid.
         Is that my blood?
         I gripped the knife with two hands as Jake came over to finish me off, still laughing of course. 
         Do it.
         As he came over to me I closed my eyes and whispered 8 words before I pushed the knife straight through his chest and turned.
         “I only used you to get to him.”
         I saw his eyes as they fell.  Filled with shock, he really didn’t think I was going to stab him.
         But then again we did have one thing in common but only at the very end, when his plan collided with mine…
         I always wondered too.






**I wrote this when I was in an extremely angry mood.  Normally nothing I write is this violent so please don't judge!