Dogman. Karma

Wise Guy Productions
Presents:

Dogma. Karma.
(tales from city centre)
by Van Morsel




Christ almighty! The whole world was fading away….disappearing down some fucken black tube!!! Or at leats that’s how it felt..hell…I had to get out of this godforsaken business, the cleaning business that is boyo! The staff were all sagging prick fondlers, fucking retards I tell ya! So I handed my notice over to the Big Boss, he handed me my final pay check: fourteen dollars seventy five cents and a roll of chicken guts in a tube, and I got the shit out of there…spent two days banging the hell out of a 16 year old Malaysian girl with typhoid, five days locked in a portaloo drinking meths, and three days crying my eyes out in my cold empty room.
Then I pulled myself together and headed straight to the employment office “Right you fucking pigs, I need a job” I yelled. “ You cant talk to me like that” said the girl at reception, so I took a swipe at her face with a meat hook I had stashed in my sleeve. Security was on me like ravenous dogs, pushing and shoving me out the door “you fucking cunts!! You Jew bastards!!,” I yelled, “wait till HEAD OFFICE hears about this!” It was an empty threat of coarse, I had no intention of going to HEAD OFFICE…that place wasn’t right I tells ya…not right at all..so I wander the streets a while with an awkward limp….hell…what else I gonna do? I stop to take a wazza on a park bench, pissing all over some old bum who’s fallen asleep. That’s when I see it! The newspaper the old bums using as a blanket…hell boyo…it’s a fucking sign from god!!!! A fucking omen you miserable arse bandit!! Right there in black and white in the vacancy section:

WANTED
Belief System Manager
Good pay
Experience a MUST
Qualifications necessary.

So im off through the park, but I start to panic…Jesus Man!!!!!! What if some pricks already got the job!!! So I kick the shit out of some kid and steal his bike…then im off like the goddamn wind you shitter!! And im yelling “God Speed!! God Speed!!” all the fucking way, puts the shits up some old ducky…you can literally see her heart stop as I whoosh past her at top speed on a bike three times too small for me…putting the boot in for good measure! So I reach my destination, one of those great architectural blunders: fucking cold stone grey, all glass and steel and god it’s horrible..two hundred stories high…Jesus Christ its one ugly mother!! I take the lift straight to the top, smearing my wanga all over the buttons in the lift, just to let them know who’s boss….fucking queers!!! The doors swing open and I rush straight for the office girl, grabbing her by the throat “Look bitch, wheres the boss man huh? You cunt! You slut! You whore! I demand a goddamn interview with the boss man ya hear!!!!!” that’s when the boss man, Mr C.E.O walks in, “What the shits goin on here then?” he yells. “Ahhhh hell, im just trying to get a interview with ya and this little bitch keeps fucking me around.” I explain. “Well kid, I like your style, come into my office.”
So the office girl brings us in coffee and biscuits and I'm sitting in a fifteen thousand dollar leather chair in Mr C.E.O’s office.
“So kid, you come about the job huh?”
“Yes sir.”
“So you got any experience in this field of work kid?”
“Fuck No!!” I yell, “Experience is for sluts, cunts and queers sir. And I aint any of those things.”
“Fuck yeah!!” he exclaims, “What about qualifications kid….you got any qualifications?”
“SHIT THAT MOTHERFUCKER!! Qualifications aint no thang!! Just bits of paper for smarmy wank-eyed white kids and uppity niggas who wanna be white!!”
“Damn straight!!” he screamed thumping his fist down on the table, “your hired kid, see you Monday at 8 sharp..you got that kid?”
So I turn up Monday dressed in a brown potato sack and go sit in my new office, and fucked-if-I-know what the hell I’m supposed to be doing. I guess I’ll just figure it out as I go. So I spend the first three days playing with the height adjustment lever on my chair….by the end of the second week I’m urinating in the purified water tank. Its Wednesday afternoon of my third week there when Mr C.E.O bursts into my office. “Well kid your doing a fine job….sales are up 15%,” he says slapping me on the back, “come into my office and we’ll celebrate. You’ve made me proud kid!” So we’re drinking champagne in his office, smoking cigars, you get the idea.
“See kid, business is good, but it can always be better. We got a new religion coming out this week kid….helluva thing…and I want you to sell it kid…run the whole goddamn campaign see kid? It’s our best one yet kid. It’ll sell like hot cakes, no problem there….we just need someone to ‘over see’ the general running of the thing kid. And you the man for the job…you dig?” he asks.
“Sure thing. I’d love to….hell….I’d be honoured,” I say real sincere like. “So what’s the gist of this here new religion Mr C.E.O?” his face brightens when I ask this.
“Well kid….it’s a little bit of everything dig? Its part existential nihilism mixed with dogmatic Christianity and Mahayana Buddhism with a slight undertow of Scientology and Quantum Field Mechanics blended together on a sorbet of esoteric Hinduism and consumerism with a touch of Neo-Confucianism thrown in for texture, you got that kid?”
“Sure, why not. But what’s the basic philosophy of this religion Mr C.E.O?”
“Well kid….once you join up we give you a discount card for all Farmers outlets, but that’s not all right….ya basically don’t believe in anything except for yourself right…but you only see yourself as an ‘extraction’ or a ‘reflection’ of ones own basic need to exist in order to be ones own self….you believe in Christ in the sense that ‘you are Christ’ but only because only you exist and therefore you truly are your brothers keeper seeing as you are also that brother…but your not solid right, your constantly changing except your not right, because by changing you stay the same…but you don’t really ‘exist’ anyway, not really….only in a very basic sense, except for Sundays which is the Holy day…or at least it would be if it existed which it doesn’t, except for when you think about it….and so you spend it meditating on non-existence and compassion for wholesale items which have been marked down but still don’t exist….you believe yourself to be an ancient spirit from another planet which is made of light beams and quantum foam which vibrates except for when you stop thinking about it or on Sundays….your sacred animal is a cow which only exists on Sundays but you cant eat meat on Fridays..you believe in a god with nine arms but he doesn’t believe in you…your sacred word is ‘Ohm’, in fact you are ‘Ohm’ except for when your meditating in which case your nothing at all….your morals contradict with your existence and you believe you can learn from everyone you meet if only they existed, which they don’t and neither do you or your religion….got that kid?”
But it was too late…his voice receded into black smog, and I was gone…spiralling down some great fucking wormhole…..he’d twisted reality around too many times, and it finally gave in…just split open…..i felt my mind burst into a million tiny shards and then it all comes floating back together…and suddenly the light comes on…but im not ‘me’ anymore…I simply don’t exist..i feel something warm and wet splashing over my knees. Christ…where am I? Why am I lying on this park bench? I open my eyes only to see some guy staring down at the newspapers im using as a blanket. Christ, where have I seen that face before? But its too late…im just not here anymore..im little more than a reflection…a fucking shell is all..hell…maybe I shoulda kept that cleaning job after all….but its too late…I just don’t exist…this just isn’t me…im gone….









THE END