Gone Wrong

   
    My name is Jill Jones. I am fourteen years old. I have two older brothers. The oldest is Jay. He is twenty-two. The other is Joey. He is sixteen. We live in my parent’s house. They were killed last month in a car accident. I live next door to the middle school that I attend. This is good for me because Jay is the only one who drives. He is a basketball coach at the high school. Today, he came home mad at Joey. It seems that Joey played poorly in today’s game. When they got home, Jay removed his belt and beat Joey severely. I cried and hid in the closet. It was so scary. Jay made Joey beg and plead for forgiveness. After he beat him, he made Joey run. He made him run for five miles. Then he made Joey do two hundred pushups and five hundred sit-ups. Whenever Joey would pause or slow down, Jay would hit him again.

    Our lives have become hell since mom and daddy died. Jay is so very angry. He is angry with mom and dad for dieing. He had to give up his apartment and move back in the house with us. He was a happy swinging single. Now, he is angry for having to take care of us. "We cramp his style," he says, "we are a pain in the ass to him."

    I am so afraid of him. Yesterday, I had to pay the school five dollars for lunches that I had charged. When I asked Jay for the money, he gave it to me, but he slapped my face and head five times. He said it was once for each dollar I cost him. I am not very good at cooking, but he expects me to cook for him. When I burn something, he hits me. If he does not like what I cook for him he whips me. I look to Joey for help, but he can’t do much.

    Today, I went out for a walk. I met one of mom’s friends on the road. She gave her condolences to me and said that I should be very grateful that I have an older brother to take care of me. If only she knew what went on behind the closed door.

    Jay is a handsome man and he is very, very smart. He dresses nice and wears expensive shoes and a Rolex watch. Everyone thinks he is great. He seems so kind to everyone but they just don’t know him like I do. All the kids at the high school think he is so cool. He is so nice to them. When they play ball poorly, he does not show his anger until he gets home. We try to stay away from him as much as possible. But his demands on us are great. “Jill, where is my dinner!” He will yell. “Joey, bring me some cigarettes and a beer!” If he doesn’t get what he wants fast enough to suit him, he will hit us again. He is as mean as a snake.

    One time Joey tried to stand up to him. Jay started hitting him and Joey hit back. Oh my god, the whirlwind that followed. Jay knocked Joey to the floor and kicked him repeatedly. He kicked him in the stomach, the ribs, his head and stomped on his legs and hands. Joey screamed in pain, but Jay would not stop. Joey cried and begged for him to stop, but Jay just ignored him. Joey peed on himself and Jay sat on him and beat him brutally with his fists. I cried and pleaded for him to stop. I believed he was truly going to kill Joey. “Please Jay, please don’t kill him.” I begged. “ I was on my knees with tears streaming down my cheeks. “Please, Jay, please have mercy, I beg you, please stop!” Jay finally stopped. He stood up and screamed, “ If you ever try that again, I will kill you! Do you hear me? I will kill you!” He grabbed his truck keys and left the house.

    Joey was bleeding from his nose, he had blood coming out of his ear, his lips were swollen, his eyes were black, his hands were skinned and bleeding, and he was covered from head to toe with bruises. I tried to help him up, but he screamed for me to get away. He tried to get up but he fell. I tried to help him again and he screamed at me to get away. He turned over and puked on the floor. “Please let me help you,” I cried. He crawled to the bathroom and I followed. I ran some water in the tub and helped him get the blood and urine soaked clothes off. His body looked so beaten. He cringed and gasped for breath when he moved. His ribs hurt him so badly. He was in total agony. I helped him in the tub and washed him as gently as I could. I got him some Tylenol and a drink. I helped him get out of the bath and he crawled to his bed. He laid on his bed and I covered him gently. I sat next to him and cried.

    When I heard Jay’s truck pull up, I rushed out of Joey’s room. I cleaned up the blood and puke as fast as I could and then sat quietly at the table waiting for Jay's orders. After giving him his house shoes, a beer, and his cigarettes, he started watching football on television. I started to go to my room, but he called me back. He glared at me then he sneered, “Who runs this house?” “You do”, I answered. “That is damn right and don’t you forget that!” “Yes sir.” I answered. “You had better obey me and respect me. Do you hear?” “Yes sir.” I replied. “Do you love your brother?” he asked. “Yes sir, I do.” “Then you had better show respect and give me a sincere thank you for not killing him tonight.” “Yes sir”, I replied. I got on my knees and said, “Thank you for not killing Joey, sir. Joey and I are very grateful. We are grateful to you for letting us live with you.  We will give you the respect, honor and obedience that you demand.” He smiled and said, “Alright, you may go now.” “Yes, sir” I replied in a whisper. I went to my room and cried myself to sleep.

    The next morning I went to check on Joey. He looked like a monster. Each breath he took hurt him. He could barely open one eye and the other was swollen completely shut. I got him some more Tylenol and some juice and took it to him. “Joey, I’ve got to go. I have to fix Jay’s breakfast before school, but I promise I will come check on you as soon as I get home”. I went to the kitchen to fix Jay some breakfast and coffee. I served him as quickly and quietly as I could. I sat down while he ate. He asked me how was Joey. I didn’t know what to say so I thought for a minute. Jay slammed his fist down on the table and yelled, “I asked you a question damn it and I expect an immediate answer!” I looked at him with fear welling up inside me. I whispered, “I don’t know, I don’t know. You hurt him really bad - Jay - sir.” He raised his hand. I winced and cowered. He lowered his hand. “I guess he will respect me now, won’t he.” “Yes, sir.” He got up and left for work.

    I walked to school. I could not concentrate on school. All I could think about was Joey and how he hurt so badly. I usually got home from school about 3 hours before Jay. I went into Joey’s room to check on him. He still looked really bad. I gave him some more Tylenol and fixed him some soup. He could not move without pain so I slowly fed him.

    I fixed some dinner and served it to Jay as soon as he came in. After he ate he asked me, “Where is Joey? Where is that fucking ass? I want my bathroom cleaned, now!” I felt fear and dread run through me. I cried out, “I’ll do it for you. Please, let me do it. I’ll do it. Please don’t make him do anything tonight. I’ll do everything you want. I’ll take really good care of you.” He said, “All right then, get busy”. So I cleaned his bathroom. I cleaned his bedroom. I folded his clothes and got his beer and cigarettes for him. I guess I satisfied him because he did not get mad. He finally went to bed about midnight.

    I snuck into Joey’s room with some more Tylenol and a drink. I sat on his bed and held his swollen hand. I told Joey that I loved him. I asked him to please be submissive and obedient to Jay. I knew how hard it would be for Joey to submit to his brother but I begged him to obey. I begged him to not leave me alone. I told him that I needed him to endure these hard times with me. I wanted to lie next to him for comfort and I did for a little while, but I could not stay long. I could not take the chance of Jay finding me in Joey’s room. I gently kissed his bruised cheek and went to my room.

    The dawn came swiftly. It seemed as if I only slept 10 minutes. Jay beat on my bedroom door and called for his breakfast. I jumped up and dressed as quickly as I possibly could. I rushed in the kitchen and started his coffee and breakfast.  He came in and sat down. I was silently praying that the food would soon be ready before he got angry. I poured his coffee and placed it before him. Then I buttered his bread and placed the eggs and bacon on a plate. I handed him the plate of food and sat down at the table with him. I prayed that I had not forgotten anything. I drank a little orange juice as he ate. Suddenly he looked at me and screamed, “Where is my jam! I want some jam!” I jumped to my feet as I felt a rush of fear go through me. Will he hit me, I wondered? My hands were trembling when I handed the jam to him. I whispered, “I am so sorry, please forgive me” my voice was quivering with fear. “Don’t let it happen again!” he screamed. I replied, “Yes sir” and lowered my head in fear and respect.

    He asked me where was Joey. I looked at him with pleading eyes and answered, “He is still in bed.” Jay stood up as if to go to Joey’s room. I stood up to intercept. “Jay, please have mercy on him. You beat him up really bad. Please, let him stay home today. I’ll obey you. I’ll serve you. I’ll do anything you wish. Please don’t make him get up yet.” Jay pushed me aside and started toward Joey’s room. “Please Jay, please don’t hurt him anymore, I beg you.“ My heart was pounding as I followed Jay into Joey’s room. He burst open the door and yelled, “Get up you piece of shit!” Joey jumped up off the opposite side of the bed. I could see the pain in his face as he grabbed at his aching ribs. His eyes were still black but at lease the swelling had disappeared. “Get your ass ready for school,” Jay bellowed, “come here!” Joey limped toward us. “You going to obey me now?” Jay commanded! Joey looked at the floor and whispered, “Yes, sir.” “What? I can’t hear you.” Jay yelled. Joey looked up at him and replied. “Yes, sir, -- yes, sir.” My heart hurt for him, as I knew that these words were very hard for Joey to say. But I felt so relieved that he had responded humbly. Jay looked him over for a minute and then said, “You don’t have to go to school today, but I want this house spotless when I get home. Do you understand me, boy?” Joey replied solemnly, “Yes, sir”. Jay left for work. I looked at Joey and told him I would help him as soon as I got home from school. I rushed out the door and ran to school so I would not be reported as late.


    The school day seemed like an eternity. All I could think of was Joey and how we had to work this afternoon. I closed my eyes for a moment. That is when the teacher looked at me. “Jill, Jill are you paying attention?” I opened my eyes and looked at her. “What is the answer, Jill?” “I’m sorry, what was the question again?” everyone laughed. “Jill, I want to see you after class.” “Yes ma’am.” My mind raced. I could not believe it. I had a billion things to do when I got home and now this. Oh man, I hope I don’t have to stay long. When class was over I waited in my desk. The teacher came over to me. “Jill is anything wrong?” “No ma’am” “Are you sure?” “Yes ma’am” “Jill, I don’t allow sleeping in my class,” she reprimanded. “Yes ma’am, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” “See to it that it doesn’t”. “Yes ma’am”. “You may go now.” “Yes ma’am” I replied and swiftly left.

    I ran all the way home and checked on Joey. He had cleaned up the breakfast dishes and was vacuuming the den. I could tell he was in pain. He limped along behind the vacuum. I went over to him and asked him if he had eaten. He shook his head no. I said I would fix him some soup. He said, “No, I’ve got to finish.” “Joey, I’ll help you. We will get it done together.” I warmed him a can of soup while he finished vacuuming the den.

    He sat down to eat and I told him I would start cleaning the hall bathroom. He said okay and began to eat. I was beginning to clean the tub when he came in. “Sorry, I have to pee” he said. “Okay, go ahead”. I continued scrubbing the tub. When he was urinating, something told me to look over at him. I don’t know why, but I did. I was so shocked to see that he was peeing blood. I didn’t say anything. With tears in my eyes, I just turned back to the tub and continued scrubbing. He limped back into the kitchen and washed the soup dishes as I finished cleaning the bathroom.

    I made Jay’s bed and picked up the dirty clothes from the floor. I was thankful that Jay had made me clean his bathroom the night before so it was not hard to touch it up. Joey mopped the kitchen. I looked at my watch and realized it was time to cook dinner. I ran into the kitchen and began peeling potatoes as fast as I could. I could tell that Joey was in pain and was exhausted. I told him to go lie down, but he said no. “I’d better go clean my room and change my sheets. You know Jay will come in and check to make sure it has been done. You know he will search for something that we missed so he can beat us.” I just lowered my head and sadly said, “I know.”

    Thankfully dinner was almost done when I heard Jay’s truck pull up. I served him dinner and waited for him to finish eating. He went to watch television. I cleaned the kitchen and started my homework. After about an hour, he got up and started inspecting the house. He found the bathrooms clean and went into Joey’s room. Joey was sitting at his desk reading. When he saw Jay, he immediately jumped up and stood paralyzed with fear. Jay asked him, “Are there clean sheets on your bed?” “Yes sir” Jay ripped off the top covers to check. Then he ran his finger along the dresser to check for dust. He seemed satisfied so he went back to watching television. I could see the relief on Joey’s face when Jay left.

    After awhile, Jay yelled for a beer. I went to the refrigerator to get one and realized that there was none left. I went into the den to tell him. He saw my empty hands and stood up. “There are no more,” I said. “What!” he screamed. “We don’t have anymore.” He raised his hand and hit me a couple of times. I cowered then he cursed as he walked out the door and got in his truck. Joey and I were both asleep when he returned. He was so drunk; he passed out on the couch.

    The next morning was Saturday. They had a basketball game that afternoon. I was afraid for Joey. I hoped he was well enough to play. I cheered for him during the game. It seemed to help a little. Joey played well even though I could see pain in his face each time he shot a basket. When the kids asked him why he had black eyes and skinned hands he just said he had a bad bike accident. Our team won the game, which was good for us. Jay was in a good mood and took us out for pizza after the game. When we got home, we washed and waxed Jay’s truck. I vacuumed the floorboards while Joey cleaned the windows and seats. The rest of the day went smoothly. Jay even let us play video games for a while.

    After dinner I followed Joey into his room. I asked him if he was still peeing blood. He said yes, but don’t worry about it. I just said, “I’m sorry” He started reading comic books so I went to my room and braided my hair. Jay came into my room and said he was going out. I nodded yes. He said we had better be good while he was gone. I answered, “Yes sir.” He went into Joey’s room and repeated the scenario. Joey replied as I had done. Jay seemed satisfied and left.

    The house was so peaceful when Jay was gone. It was the only time that I was not scared. Every time I heard his truck pull up fear and dread immediately welled up inside me. I was so happy when he was gone. Our life has changed so drastically since mom and dad died. I just can’t believe it. Sometimes I wished I had died with them.

          I worked on the laundry. I was very tired and did not want to do anything but I did it anyway. I folded my clothes and Jay’s but I took Joey’s clothes into his room for him to fold. Joey was not happy with me. He told me to fold them for him but I said no. He came over to me and started to choke me. "I said fold the god damn clothes. If you don’t I’ll beat you like a dog.” I could not believe it. Joey was turning on me. I did not know what to do so I just whispered, “I’ll do it.”  I folded them and put them away without looking at Joey. When I finished Joey said to get him a beer. I just obeyed without saying anything. When I handed him the beer, I looked at him. He was looking at my face. It seemed as if he wanted to say he was sorry. I just nodded and said nothing.

          I went into Jay’s room to make sure everything was in order. I was worried. I didn’t understand why Joey started acting like that, but I was even more afraid of what would happen when Jay figured out Joey was drinking his beer. Maybe I should talk to Joey about it, maybe not, I didn’t know. But I did know that I did not want to witness the inevitable beating that Joey would receive. I know one thing for sure; I would not be drinking the beer that belonged to the man who beat me bad enough to piss blood. I’ll never understand men.

          Jay did not come home until Sunday morning. Joey and I were watching cartoons when he came in. Jay walked over to the TV and flipped the station. Joey yelled out, “Hey! I was watching that!” Jay walked over to him, backhanded him and started to unbuckle his belt. “You got something to say, boy? You got a problem with me changing the station?" “No, no sir” Joey answered. “I didn’t think so. Get me a beer” he sneered. “Yes sir” Joey whispered as he got up and obeyed. When Joey returned and handed the bottle over, Jay grabbed his wrist. “Do I need to remind you who owns this house and who is in charge here?” “No sir - you are – you are in charge, sir.” Jay released him and waved for him to leave the room. Joey went into the kitchen, took some cigarettes and a beer then went into his room.

          About an hour later, Jay got up to go to his room. As he passed Joey’s room, he smelled cigarette smoke. He slowly opened Joey’s bedroom door and looked inside. When Jay saw the cigarettes and empty beer bottle on the desk, he burst into the room, grabbed the bottle and hit Joey in the head with it. Joey fell to the floor holding his head as blood was seeping out. Jay kicked him a couple of times and screamed out as he was taking off his belt. “Who do you think you are, stealing my cigarettes and beer? Are you stupid or what?”  I jumped as I heard the belt crack down on Joey’s back. “Answer me you piece of shit!” I heard the belt crack down again and again. Joey let out a cry and a few moans. “You will pay me back, and you will pay dearly!”  Jay probably struck him about twenty times. Joey tried to crawl under the desk but Jay threw it out of the way. The blows just kept coming. I could hear the whistle of the belt going through the air and the dreadful crack upon Joey’s flesh. I covered my ears and closed my eyes. I could hear Joey moan under the blows and he eventually started to whimper. After striking him about fifty times, Jay stopped hitting him, knelt down, and pulled him up by his hair. “What is it going to take? What will it take before you become fearful and submissive?” Jay punched him and Joey fell to the floor. Jay picked him up by his hair again. Blood was dripping down his chin. “Are you going to learn? Are you going to respect me?” I heard a small faint whisper, “Yes, sir.” “Do I have to keep beating you?” “No sir” was the low coarse answer. Jay punched him again knocking him back to the floor. Jay picked him up again and as he held up his fist to punch Joey again. I heard a faint cry, ”please stop, please - please stop” Joey cried gasping for breath. “What was that?" Jay laughed.  Joey coughed and gasped, “please – please don’t hit me any more”. Jay slammed Joey’s head into the floor then got up and stood over the whimpering and bleeding young man. Joey did not move. He just laid there in a heap covering his head with his hands and gasped for breath between sobs.

    Jay walked out of Joey’s room. He stopped and looked at my tear filled eyes. He pointed his finger in my face and said, “Don’t you go in there to help him. I’d better not see you near him. Do you understand me?” “Yes sir” I whispered. I turned and went to my room. I very quietly shut the door so Jay could not hear me crying. I thought about Joey. I thought about how the welts on his back must sting, but I was thankful. I was thankful that Jay had not kicked and stomped him as before. I know Joey was hurting, but maybe he would not pee blood this time. I wanted to go to him and comfort him. Oh, how I longed to comfort him, but I dare not disobey Jay.

        It was a long night. I could hear Joey whimper and cry for most of the night. I know he had nightmares. Of course, I am not surprised given we live with a cruel and brutal beast nowdays. 

        Monday morning finally came. I felt exhausted but found strength in the thought that I could go to school and escape the beast for a little while. I fixed Jay’s breakfast and coffee. I sat it in front of him at the table and waited for him to eat. All of a sudden he struck me with the backside of his hand. I fell to the floor. I was stunned and scared. I looked up at him with fear on my face and tears in my eyes. “Where is my god damn jam? You are a stupid bitch.” I crawled to the pantry as fast as I could and retrieved the jam. "I told you not to forget! You must want a beating," he yelled. "No, sir." I whispered. My hands were trembling when I gave him the jam. As he took the jam, he struck me with his other hand. I just laid there at his feet fearful of what may come. I covered my head with my hands and was afraid to move or speak. The next few minutes seemed like an eternity, but thankfully, he did not hit me again. After he finished eating, he got up and called out for Joey to hurry up. Joey came quickly and quietly got in the truck. He did not look at Jay or me; he just kept looking down. As soon as they left, I walked to the school.

              Today we had a spelling test. Oh crap, I had forgotten all about it. I did not study so I did not do well. Later in the day, we got our test back. Sure enough, I had a bad grade. I was instructed to get the test signed. I was about to panic. What was I going to do?  What will Jay do to me? After school I asked the teacher if I could make up the test. She said no. “Please don’t make me get it signed. I promise I’ll do better,” I pleaded. “Yes, you have to get it signed” she replied. “Yes ma’am” I answered looking at the floor. “Is there something going on that I should know about, Jill?” she asked. “No ma’am.” I replied still looking at the floor. “May I go now, please?” “Yes, just get the test signed”. “Yes ma’am” I said as I walked out.

          Jay and Joey had a game that night. I walked home and began cooking.  After dinner we went to the game. I could not concentrate on the game though. All I could think about was that stupid spelling test. When I did watch the game I could occasionally see welts on Joey’s back when he made a jump shot. It seems no one else noticed. Of course no one else knew we lived with a cruel maniac. Everyone was so fooled by Jay’s show of good character in public. In fact, even if I told anyone about the abuse, they would think I was telling a lie. How could someone that is such a good role model to the community be abusive? ‘Don’t be ridiculous’, they would say. Of course, then someone would tell him what I said and he would kill me.

      After the game, Jay made us wait until all the other people had left the gym. Then he made Joey run. He made him run around the gym for a long, long time. Joey was exhausted. I felt so sorry for him. Finally, Jay let him stop running. He was all covered with sweat and was almost staggering with exhaustion. Then Jay made him do sit-ups and push-ups. He kept telling Joey how worthless he was and that he was going to beat him to death. No one was around to hear the cruel treatment Jay could dish out. Joey was spent. His arm muscles began to quiver under his weight. He tried to continue with the push-ups, but his arms gave way. When he fell, Jay just kicked him and screamed, “Get up! Get up you shit bag.” Joey tried to do more. He tried as hard as he could but he could not keep going.

    Jay ordered me to go in the locker room and get his belt. I did not want to and I hesitated. Jay yelled, “Get it or you will be next!” I ran and retrieved the belt. Jay started whipping Joey with it. Joey did not make a sound. He stood there stiff as a soldier and just tolerated the blows as if to prove his manhood or something. Although he did not utter a sound, he could not prevent a few tears from rolling down his cheeks.

    Suddenly, we heard the gym door shut. Thank god, the janitor walked in. Jay immediately stopped and turned to the janitor. We were just leaving; we will be out in five minutes. Jay went to the locker room and changed into his nice clothes. Knowing that Joey needed to catch his breath, I just sat down beside him. I whispered to him, “You are the best player on this team and Jay knows it. And the only one around here that is a stupid shit is him.” Joey just sat silently waiting.

    When Jay reappeared from the locker room Joey and I got up and followed him toward the door. As we were walking out, Jay shook hands with the janitor and wished him a good night. As Joey passed, the janitor said, "You played a good game tonight son.” Joey stayed silent so I whispered, “Thank you”. The stupid janitor could not tell that Joey had been crying. So, yet again, Jay appeared to be a polite upstanding pillar of the community.

    On the way home, Jay screamed at Joey, “If you don’t play better, I’ll break every bone in your god damn body! Do you understand me, boy? You embarrass me. You are the sorriest player on the team. You hear me, boy?” Joey replied in a soft whisper, “yes sir”. “What was that boy?” Jay sneered. “Yes – yes sir” Joey repeated with a broken voice. We all remained silent for the rest of the way home. To tell the truth, Joey was one of the two best players on the team. I knew it, he knew it, and Jay knew it. He just liked to beat Joey down. I guess it makes him feel like a big shot or something. I don’t really understand. Never the less, I kept my mouth shut.

          When we arrived home, Joey went straight to his room. I stopped in the kitchen and started washing the dinner dishes. Jay went on to his room and called someone on the telephone. As quietly as I could, I fixed a glass of Gatorade and silently tip toed to Joey’s room. As I peeked inside the room I could see Joey sitting on his bed. He had his back to the door and had taken his sweaty shirt off. His back was massively covered with stripes from tonight' beating. I slipped in and closed the door as quietly as I could. I went around to the other side of Joey’s bed. I offered him the glass and he took it but did not look up. I bent down and looked into his face. I could see he had been crying. He whispered, “Go away.” I stood up and whispered in his ear, “you are a strong, intelligent man, crying does not make you a sissy. I have great respect and admiration for you, my brother, and I love you.” I gave Joey a big hug and just held him for a minute. He lifted his head and whispered, “thank you, sis. Now please go before Jay catches you in here.” I gave him another quick squeeze and then quietly tip toed out. Once in the hallway, I could still hear Jay’s voice speaking in the telephone. I hurried back to the kitchen and finished the dishes before going to bed. Late that night I heard Joey cry out in his sleep. He was having another nightmare.

          The next morning I startled awake. Oh crap, I had forgotten about the spelling paper. I dreaded showing it to Jay. I knew he would punish me. I waited until it was time to go. Then I started to show it to him, but I could not find the courage to speak. I quickly shoved it back into my book. He yelled for Joey and headed out the door. Joey ran past and out to the truck. They left and I slowly walked to school. When I got to school, I decided to forge Jay’s signature on my test paper. I was so glad that I had thought of that. When the teacher collected the signed papers, I turned mine in with happiness.

              There was no game or practice after school today, so Jay and Joey came home early. Jay was in a bad mood so he was especially hateful to us. He made Joey run five miles and then do a lot of yard work. I tried to stay away from him, pretending I was doing homework and stuff. Suddenly the phone rang. Jay answered it. He looked at me and I could tell by the look on his face that one of us was in deep trouble. The fear that ran through my body made me almost sick to my stomach. The last words Jay said before hanging up was “Okay, I’ll take care of it.” The next thing I knew I was on the floor. I tried to get up and run but Jay knocked me down again. He stood on my hair so I could not move while he removed his belt. Then I felt the stinging as the belt lashes came across my back in rapid successions. I cried out but he would not stop.  “Please stop. Please stop. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He paused for a minute then shouted, “Do you think you can make a fool out of me?” Then he started whipping me again this time faster and harder. “No – no - no sir.” I cried. But he kept striking me fast and hard. I could hardly catch my breath. I thought he was going to kill me. I knew he would not stop until I was dead. I was struggling to get my breath. I knew I had to plead for mercy. I cried out in desperation, but I could only get one word out at a time. “mercy – please- mercy – I – beg – you - mercy”. My cries fell on deaf ears. He just kept pounding. Suddenly Joey came running in screaming, “No, no, stop it, please.” He dove onto the floor and placed his body between me and the blows. I could hear the belt still cracking, but I didn’t feel it anymore. Jay was now beating Joey instead of me. Joey just laid on me and held tight. “Please don’t beat her. Please don’t beat her,” he pleaded as the lashes came raining down on him. Jay’s swings began to slow a little. Joey stayed on top of me and just kept repeating, “Please don’t beat her,” over and over.  Jay finally stopped hitting him. Joey still cried out, “Please don’t beat her, please don’t beat her, please...” his voice became quieter and quieter until he finally stopped. But he did not move. He continued to lay on me and wept for a few minutes.

      Jay turned and walked out of the house. Joey rolled off me and put his hands on my face. “Are you alright? Are you alright, sis?” I whispered, “yes”. Joey kissed my forehead and held me close to his body for a few minutes. Jay got in his truck and left.  I sat up and looked at Joey. I could not believe it. I could not believe he had done that for me. I softly said, “I don’t know how to thank you. I can never thank you enough for what you did. I am in your debt.” Joey sat up and hugged me.

    Then he went to his room and laid down on his bed. He was so exhausted. Jay had nearly run him to death and then made him do so much heavy yard work; he was completely exhausted. I fixed him a sandwich and a drink but when I took it to him, he was already asleep. Poor fellow was too exhausted to even eat anything.

            Why does life have to be so hard? Why did my parents have to die? Why does my brother have to be so mean to us? It is not fair. He hates us and beats us and I don’t understand why it has to be that way. Why can’t he love us? Why can’t he be nice? Where did we go wrong? What can we do to change things?

    The next day started out as usual. I fixed Jay’s breakfast. He and Joey went to the high school and I walked to my middle school. The school day was like a blur. I don’t remember anything from class, all I remember is wondering all day how to change things at home.  When I got home, I went into Jay’s room, which used to be my mom and dad’s room. I started looking in every closet, drawer, and box I could find. Suddenly, in the very back of the top shelf in the closet, I found it. I found the item that I thought my dad had hidden long ago. I carefully replaced everything that I had disturbed leaving no sign that  I had been in there. I took the item I found to my room and placed it under my pillow. I went ahead and completed my homework and started cooking dinner. It was almost time for the guys to get home.
   
    When they came in, Jay went to change his clothes before dinner. I quickly grabbed Joey’s arm and put my finger on my lips to signal him to be quiet and follow me. Without a word, we tip toed into my room and silently closed the door. I showed him the item under my pillow. He picked it up and held it for a minute then looked up at me. I nodded my head yes as if I knew he knew what I was thinking. We heard Jay walk past my room on his way to the kitchen table. We just stood quiet and still. When Jay started bellowing for his dinner to be served, I went into the kitchen and started serving his plate. Jay looked up at me and screamed, “it’s about fucking time, you stupid bi."  BANG. Joey shot Jay right in the head. Jay fell to the floor and Joey came closer. I could see tears in his eyes as he raised the gun again and continued to fire until the magazine was empty. Jay lie motionless and Joey dropped the gun. I went over hugged Joey and just held him tight.