bestfriends,better off as lovers.(ch.5)

Chapter 5.

Once I faded back into reality, the pain came with it. I spent the whole day in his room, hoping that he would walk in on me and tell me it was just some big joke. But of course, he wasn’t coming back; I was fully alone. He wouldn’t be coming back into this room. His room. It smelled like him, it felt like he was still here.
I called him, but he blocked all of my calls. I tried to text message him, but he didn’t answer. I finally gave up and threw my phone down in defeat. I didn’t know what to do. I felt utterly helpless. I didn’t want to leave what little of him I had left, but I couldn’t take it anymore; it was becoming unbearable. I got up slowly, my body ached from crying. I walked down the creaky stairs and out the front door, too afraid to look back at the abandoned house.
I walked across the shaded street; the sun was setting over the horizon. I sluggishly snuck into the house and ignored everything and anyone. After I was in my room, I became consumed in misery and pain. I thought I had experienced the worst form of pain that night on the Hill when Aaron told me we could no longer be friends, but this topped it. It was like I, myself, was falling apart along with my already broken heart. The hole in my chest that had been dying to swallow me had accomplished it’s goal; it had eaten away at me until there was nothing left. I was no longer Kae. I was nobody without Aaron. I slumped onto my bed and let the pain finally win; I laid there until I was consumed. I had been drowning for so long in my agony, and now I was giving up, slowly sinking. I would never be able to resurface.



**********



I saw the sun peeking through my blinds and I heard the beeping of my alarm clock telling me to get up. It was the first day of the last year of high school. I should have been thrilled that the end was so close, but I wasn’t. I haven’t been happy in over a month. What made today any different? With my head still laying on my pillow, I reached over and hit my alarm off. Silence.
I pulled the covers slowly off of me and sat up in my bed. I stretched and yawned and took a deep breath in and let it out. It didn’t surprise me that my mom peeked her head in to make sure I was up and going. She smiled and left. I stood and walked over to my closet to pull out on of my old band t-shirts and a pair of old jeans. Grabbing my makeup bag on the way out, I walked into the bathroom to take a quick shower. The warm water helped calm my nerves and relax my muscles. The aroma of my shampoo filled the room. I shut the water off and dried off quickly. As I was stepping out of the shower I stepped in a wet spot and nearly fell on my butt. I caught myself, though.
I slipped into today’s outfit and fixed my hair and threw some makeup on. I could picture it now: I walk into school and see everyone wearing a nice, fancy outfit and I come trotting up the hall wearing a old band shirt and a pair of holey jeans. The thought almost made me smile. But not quite.
I brushed my teeth and headed downstairs to the kitchen even though I wasn’t hungry; I hadn’t been hungry lately. As I came down the stairs, I saw Nicole sitting at the table eating eggs and some bacon, my mom pouring herself some coffee, and dad was waiting on my mom to move so he could get some coffee, too.
When my foot hit the last step with a squeak, three pairs of eyes shot across the room to see me. No one said anything, they just stared. I acted like I didn’t see them, and walked over to the table to get my school things together. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my mom and dad exchange awkward glances and then look at me again.
“I think I’m going to leave a little early today, if that’s okay.” I told everyone as I picked my books up in my arms and grabbed my car keys.
They all nodded and told me to have a good day. On my way out of the door, I heard them talk again.
“She looks like she’s getting worst, Scott” I heard my mom whisper before I shut the door.
I climbed in my car and cranked to key to start the engine. I whipped out of the drive way and began to drive down the road, quickly glancing at his house out of habit. I have been working on breaking that habit. On the way to school, I was thinking of what a was usually thinking about. I was thinking of the last time I was with him. The hurt in his eyes, I was a monster for hurting that way! I didn’t even look at him, the same way he didn’t look at me that night on the Hill. I felt so low and horrible even after all of this time.
I began to feel my eyes watering up; I had to think of something else quickly. I couldn’t go into school with blotchy cheeks and puffy eyes. I pressed play on my CD player and began listening to a CD I burned last summer. I listened to it on the way to school. It didn’t take me long to find my parking spot, it was one of the first ones; really close to the school. I grabbed my books, scooted out of my car and locked it behind me. Hopefully I didn’t look too much of a mess.
I walked into school as the bell rang. I made my way upstairs to my locker and then first period Art. This class was a easy class, an easy credit. I had first with Jen and this guy named Thomas. He sat at the same table as Jen and I; he was alright. 
Once, while Mr. Graven talked to us about basic colors, Jen leaned over to me and whispered in my ear.
“Hey, I just wanted to see how you were doing. I mean, I haven’t talk to you since that night when-” she stopped, studying my face to see if she had done something wrong.
“Yeah, I know.” I had to stay calm.
“So…how have you been?” she urged.
I didn’t answer immediately. I paused, not knowing exactly what to say. “Well,” I whispered. “it kind of feels like part of me is gone and isn’t coming back.” I looked at her.
She dropped the conversation, thankfully. But her face was full of worry and looked as though I didn’t give her the answer she wanted.
Soon, first ended and I walked through the halls to find Health 101. I came across this guy named Phillip, who I had known since sixth grade, and we walked in together and parted. The good thing about Health 101 is everything is common sense; you don’t have to pay attention all that much. I spend most of the class period staring out the window, thinking. And then the last part of class, I fell asleep.
Third period brought on the actual school work. I had Calculus. I had done good in my past math classes, so I didn’t fret over this. Math was simple once you understood what you were doing. I didn’t have anyone in this class, except some new seniors and really smart and kind of nerdy juniors and sophomores. I came out of that class with the year’s first homework assignment.
Fourth period, I dreaded the most: Lunch. It was so crowded and nosy. I stood in line, feeling the stares of people behind me. I guess my new attitude shocked some people, with me usually being a very enthusiastic person and all. I quickly bought my lunch and wandered stupidly through the cafeteria for a few minutes, not having any luck in finding a seat. I decided on talking my bag of chips and cup of iced tea to the library to finish my Geometry homework. I was on my last problem when the bell rang. I stood up and proceeded to fifth, followed by sixth and seventh. All the classed went the same; I knew a few people or I didn’t know anyone. The first day went by in a slow, a surreal blur. I felt like a mindless zombie walking the school halls. I could feel the same stares of my classmates that I felt in the lunch line, people I ate lunch with last year, people who I laughed with and had conversations with were awkwardly watching me. Maybe they wondered what happened to me. I continued to ignore the glances for the day.
I was so relieved when the dismissal bell rang. I got up and gathered my things and walked out to my car. I pulled into my driveway and got inside. My little sister was already home and was watching something when I got in.
“How’d your first day go?” I asked as I placed my books on the table.
“It was okay, I guess.” she said, in a let down tone. She sighed.
“What happened?” I asked, plopping down on the couch next to her and stealing the remote away.
“It wasn’t great. I mean, it was my first day of middle school, why wasn’t it great? I thought being in that bigger school would be-be-” she searched for the word.
“Remarkable? Life-changing?” I suggested.
“Yes!” she sighed.
“Well, kid. Your not the only one who’s first day wasn’t the best.” I told her, looking straight ahead.
I could tell the conversation was going nowhere, so I stood up and ruffled Nicole’s hair before I walked upstairs. I no longer had any homework, considering that I finished it in lunch. Once I was in my room, I put on some comfortable sweat pants and turned on my radio. I flipped through the channels, but could find nothing. I walked over to my dresser and took my head set off and put in my favorite CD. I crashed down on my bed and got comfortable. I placed the CD player on the pillow beside me and hit play. I turned the volume up until the music started to become distorted and fuzzy.
Now came the worst part of everyday. I had to sleep eventually, but I dreaded sleep. Because sleep meant dreams, and dreams meant seeing him. I would often wake myself when Aaron was in my dream, but lately, I stayed sleeping, stayed in the dream, or nightmare. Yes, nightmare was a much better word for what I had.  Dreams were full of happiness and laughing and cheer. I had none of that when I slept. I have the pain and humiliation and the sorrow. That, my friends, is a nightmare.
The first few weeks past by rather quickly. Soon, the first nine weeks had come and gone and Thanksgiving break was in full swing. Which meant I had to put on a happy façade for the rest of my family when we went to eat Thanksgiving dinner, though they already knew everything.
One day during the break, while I was in my room listening to music, my mom came in and sat down on my bed. I paused the CD I was listening to and sat up on my bed.
“Kae, this has to stop.” she told me.
“What are you talking about, Mom?”
“Oh, you know what. You are way beyond a little heartbroken because of a little crush; Kae, your father and I think that you are seriously depressed.” she looked worried. “You dad thinks that your over-reacting a bit and if we get you some sort of medication, you’ll be fine. But I don’t think that’s going to help.”
Crap. The hole is opening again. I placed my hand where my heart was and held it there.
“Gosh, I shouldn’t have said anything…” she said, more to herself than to me. Suddenly, my dad bustled in my room.
“ Laurel, what are you saying? She needed to hear this!” he told my mom. They were talking like I wasn’t even there.
Dad turned to me and looked me in the eye. “Kae, honey, look at yourself, its like you’re hollow; like you’re just a shell.” This was true, when Aaron left, he took my heart. I was hollow without Aaron.
“Kae, he isn’t coming back. He hasn’t called or emailed. You need to move on! We are worried, your mother and I.”
Ouch! I knew all of those things were true, but to hear them from someone else, especially your own dad, was hard. I had to be a better job at hiding this-this pain; I hated that I was worrying my family. I have to think of something, quick.
“Listen, I’ll ask Liz to come over tonight. Is that good enough?” I mean, there was only some much I can do.
“Yes. That would be fine.” my dad said, seeming proud that he thought he had made progress. We sat there for a few more moments in silence before I asked them to give me some space.
Once they left, I pulled out my phone and dialed Liz’s number. It rang for a few moments, then I heard her voice.
“Hello?”
“Hi Liz, its Kae.”
“Kae? Is it really you?” she seemed happy. “Oh, it has been so long! I have missed you.”
“I know, its been too long. I’m sorry about that, by the way.” I told her, realizing how long it had actually been.
“You don’t have to apologize, I just thought you could use some space until you had everything worked out.”
“Thanks, you’re the first.” I joked. “I think I have worked out most of what can be expected of me right now. Hey, do you want to spend the night?”
“YES!” she squealed into the phone so loud that I had to pull it away from my ear. “I’ll be over in a couple minutes.”
“Sounded good, see you then.” we said our goodbyes and then hung up.
Within the next ten minutes, Liz was in my room and blabbing my ear off with things that I had missed. She soon ran out of things to say and let me talk. I explained the whole story to her, and I mean everything. I had to stop a few times to calm myself. She sat through my whole story, not interrupting once. I told her about the conversation on the Hill and then what happened after they dropped me off that night after the club. By the time I was done, Liz was in tears.
We talked for what seemed like a billion more years before we realized that a couple of hours had past. We decided to stick a movie in and pop some popcorn. We chose Pretty In Pink.
Right as Andie was about to cuss Blane out in the hallway, my phone began to ring. I picked it up without glancing at the caller ID.
“Hello?”
“Uh-hey Kae, its Aaron.” I heard the sweet, velvety voice on the other line say.
“Ha. No really, who is this?” hoping it was a joke.
“Kae, its me. Really.”
My stomach suddenly tangled into knots, the lump in my throat appeared ,and the once healing hole that had swallowed me long ago opened more quickly than ever, determined keep me from coming up for air. I felt as though I was going to pass out; I forgot how to breath. I felt the phone start to slip through my fingers and hit the comforter on my bed.
I forgot how to talk until I heard Aaron’s voice calling my name out. I picked it up, but not before I glanced over at a confused Liz.
“Kae? Are you still there?”
“Uh-yeah I-I’m still here, Aaron.” At the name, Liz was off the bed and was throwing a fit. She swung my bedroom door open and stomped out. Muttering things that I couldn’t understand.
“Oh, okay. So, how have you been? We haven’t talked in God knows how long” Three months and two weeks. I said to myself, not daring to say it aloud.
His voice was still smooth and sweet, just like I remember. Hearing his voice sent a wave of emotions through me that I wasn’t expecting. I thought that I would have immediately started crying and gone into a state of hysteria. But I was happy, truly happy, for once in a long time.
“I’ve been better.” I answered honestly. “But, okay I guess. How about you.”
“Same here. I’ve been better.”
“Uh-not to be rude Aaron,” saying his name out loud burned my throat. “but was there some reason you called?”
“Yeah there was actually. I’m coming into town tomorrow and I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch with me?”
I tried to see what going tomorrow would do to me in the long run, but I was to relieved with the fact that he still remembered me to think about tomorrow.
“I guess that would be fine.” I told him, as Liz came walking back into the room.
“Great!” Aaron said, enthusiastically. “I guess I’ll just come pick you up around lunch time tomorrow, sound okay with you?” he asked.
“Yeah, tomorrow at twelve sounds great.” I was watching Liz’s expression to those words. She looked shocked.
Aaron and I said our good byes and then hung up. I placed my phone down and continued the movie. Liz walked over to where she one laid and hovered over me.
“What do you mean ‘See you tomorrow’?  You can’t be thinking about letting him back into your life?”
“Liz, I-”she cut me off.
“What Kae, what cold is possibly running through your mind?”
“Liz, what is running through my mind is that the boy that I love is asking to come back into my life and I’m not passing this up. Don’t you get it? He still has to care for me a little bit, or he wouldn’t want back into my life. Even if it is just for a few hours tomorrow” It made perfect sense to me. It wasn’t that hard to get.
Liz stared at me for a short time, trying to process things, I think. She soon nodded and took her seat on my bed again. We didn’t talk about it anymore, we just finished watching the movie and soon after, fell asleep. It was the first night in so long that  I didn’t wake up screaming. The first night that I didn’t have a nightmare, but a happy dream.

                                       **********

I was sitting on our Hill, staring up at the cloudy sky above. The air was chilly; it gave me goose bumps. I stood and turned when I heard the crunching of leaves behind me to see the face of my beautiful Aaron smiling at me. He looked just as I remembered; his short blonde hair cut into a almost buzz-cut style, and his green eyes shimmered as the looked into my own blue eyes.
“Kae…” he spoke as he walked closer.
“Aaron! Is it really you?” I took off running at him. Only as I ran, I was never getting any closer. He was still walking towards me, but the gap between us never closed.
He kept smiling at me and repeating my name, but never came closer.

I woke up earlier than I had planned, to find Liz still snoozing. I was contemplating whether I should walk her when my stomach let out a loud rumble. I decided to let he sleep while I went to eat. I tip-toed through the room, occasionally stepping on a creaky floorboard, and headed down stairs. As i pasted her door, I knew Nicole was still asleep; her radio was blaring easy-listening and her soft snoring in the background gave that away. From the look of the kitchen, my parents had left not too long ago; the coffee pot was still warm and the sugar spoon was still sprawled out on the cream colored counter.
I was reaching up to the cereal cabinet when the stairs creaked under the weight of either Liz or Nicole. I turned to see Liz standing there, rubbing the sleepiness from her tired looking eyes.
“’Morning sunshine!” I greeted her gleefully. “You don’t look so good. Maybe you should go back to bed for an hour or two longer.”
“It’s your fault miss ‘I-talk-in-my-sleep.” she wined as she walked over to the cabinet and easily grabbed the box I was struggling to get.
“What are you talking about? I slept fine last night.”
“Yeah, you did. But you kept muttering things last night, you kept me up for a few hours.”
“What was I saying?” I questioned her.
“What were you dreaming about, Kae?” she asked, hoping I would figure out the answer myself.
“Oh-Aaron…” I muttered, more for myself than Liz.
“You got it.” she said as she poured some milk in a bowl of dry cereal. “Whatever you were dreaming about last night, you seemed like you were frustrated. You kept getting this look on your face” she paused. “ Your eyebrows furrowed and once you even growled. You were kind of freaking me out.” We laughed for a brief moment.
Breakfast was quiet. My dream wasn’t mentioned again. Before I knew it, it was time for me to start getting ready to meet Aaron. Liz said she wanted to be here when he showed up, so she hung out in my room and watched TV in my room while I got ready. Before I jumped in the shower, Liz helped me pick out my outfit; a pair of blue jeans, a pink polo and a yellow tank top to go under it.
I quickly walked into the bathroom and started the shower. The steam quickly filled the room, already relaxing my nerves. I stripped my clothes off and stepped into the steamy hot water. I didn’t think that I would be nervous, I just in thought that I would feel relieved that Aaron was coming back. But as I realized that the closer the time came for me to see him again, the more my stomach churned uneasily and my muscles tensed up. The warm shower water streamed over my body, loosening up the tension in my shoulders a little. I wet my hair and reached for my shampoo. The smell of citrus filled the small bathroom as I rinsed the last bit from my hair.
I cut the water off and stepped out. I wrapped a towel around my body after drying off and walked across the hall to my room where Liz was absorbed in some mushy Hallmark movie; she didn’t even realize I had come in and gone back to the bathroom.
I slipped in and out of my room with my clothes, still undetected by Liz. It was difficult to slip into my jeans when the steam from the shower hung in the air and stuck to my body. I finally was dressed and had thrown on some makeup and fix my hair. I walked into my room to find a teary-eyed Liz just finishing up the movie. I giggled at her, and she began to laugh too. I walked to the corner of my bed, sat beside her and rested my head on her shoulder. The nerves were finally setting in.
What if things were awkward? What if he saw what a wreck I was after so long? Would he find that weird? All these things were rushing around in my head and I began to tremble from worry. Liz must have felt it because she soon spoke.
“Come on, we’ll go wait for him down stairs.” then she took my hand and walked me downstairs. I found a place on the couch and began to wait. I watched the clock the whole time.
12:05.  Okay, its completely fine to be a little late. Nothing to worry about. I tried to breathe through the churning feeling in my stomach.
12:15. Should I start to get worried? Surely Aaron wouldn’t stand me up. No, he just hit some traffic or something. Keep breathing.
12:35.
“Crap, Liz. “ I screamed as I stood up and began pacing. “He isn’t coming. I’m an idiot. I mean, why would he want to see me again? I knew it was too good to be true.”
“Kae, maybe-” the sound of an all to familiar horn cut her off. My heart was in my stomach as I walked to the door. My palms were sweating and I was breathing sharply. I felt all the color drain from my face as I opened the door to find Aaron’s truck waiting for me in the driveway.
Liz walked me to his truck.
“Hey Liz.” Aaron said, cheerfully.
“Hello.” she sneered at he before she turned to me. “You call me if you need me; If things get out of control. I’ll be there.”
I nodded my head and climbed into the passenger seat. I gave her a half-hearted smile before we pulled out and began to drive, leaving her watching us drive away. 





“now that horridous situation has come and gone, in was time to worry about a more pressing date…my birthday.”