Amusing Random Thoughts I

Senator Larry Craig

On June 11th 2007, Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for lewd conduct in an airport bathroom in Minneapolis.  Apparently, a bathroom in this particular airport is a known meeting place for gay men to meet complete strangers and engage in sexual activities in a public place.  To initiate the sexual contact, one simply sits in the stall next to the stall in question, and engages in a "series of intricate foot gestures".

On this particular date, a police officer familiar with these details sat in the "hook-up stall" and waited for someone to solicit him.  According to the officer, Senator Craig first spent about 13 minutes attempting to peak in a crack in the stall door from the outside.  He then proceeded to occupy the stall next to the "hook-up stall", and performed the known "series of intricate foot gestures."  Finally, the Senator simply reached his hand under the divider to the adjoining stall, and the police officer promptly arrested him.

Ironically, Senator Craig is a conservative Republican well known to be harshly "anti-gay" in his politics.  That's pretty much the pot, in a glass house, calling the kettle black, while throwing stones!

This story not only amuses me for pure content; apparently the Senator had the balls to deny the story when it first came to a head (I assure you, the puns were accidental).  At first, the Senator attempted to claim that he simply had a "wide-stall stance".  This is, in and of itself, a hysterical idea... as any straight guy can tell you.  Unfortunately, most of us are so homophobic that we can't even occupy the stall next to another man if there is another option.  Later, the Senator changed his story, claiming that the police officer was a large man, and intimidated him into the whole thing.

Now let me get this straight - Senator Craig claims he was 'intimidated' into soliciting sex in a public restroom.

I don't know about you, but when I'm scared, I generally run like hell.  Sucking on another man's penis is typically not my initial response.

I remember the "Fight or Flight" response from school.  I must have been napping when my teachers mentioned this third option.  But then again, "Fight, Flight, or Suck a Dick!" doesn't have the same ring to it.

I can only imagine going to a horror movie with Senator Larry Craig:

ME: "Wow, Larry, did you see that?  Jason just jumped out of nowhere with that bloody ax and… LARRY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!" 

Sadly, being a gay man is now going to be associated with soliciting sex from strangers in a public place thanks to this hypocritical jackass.   

The Church

I'm a recovering Catholic.  I went though Catholic school, which involved my going to church every day but Saturday for 13 years or so.  I had a lot of time to ponder a lot of things during my time in the pew.  Here are a few of my favorites:

A)    I don't care if it is the blood of Christ.  Drinking the wine is a bad idea.  300 people drinking from the same glass?  Unless Jesus' blood is 140 proof or greater, it's not killing any bacteria.

B)    The priest used to put the wafer directly on our tongues.  Now, we get the option for the priest to put the wafer directly in our hands – about half the people still go for the tongue.  Is it really any more sanitary for the priest to stick his hand in only half the congregation's mouths, and then hand you a wafer without washing his hands?

C)    Catholic's believe that the wine and wafer are actually the body and blood of Christ. Does this mean that somebody gets an 'ass' piece?  Whatever your answer, I've learned from experience it's apparently not socially acceptable to walk away from the priest after eating the wafer and say 'mmmm, that's some GOOOOOOOD Jesus!'.

D)    Why does Jesus on the Cross always have six-pack abs?  Does that come with the whole Son of God schtick?  And for that matter, why do Catholics make an image of Jesus being tortured as their icon?  I know there is a need to be reminded of his sacrifice, but that can't be pleasant from Jesus' perspective.  Jesus looking at the Cross has to be similar to Joe Theisman watching his career ending injury played over and over on ESPN.

"Ah, for Christ's (my?) sake... I'm getting tortured up there!  You people are seriously twisted."

Here's my question to you – if I say a prayer and God doesn't answer, aren't I using his name in vain?  You'll excuse me if I refrain from breaking the first commandment by praying.

Michael McDonald   

"Ain't no mountain high enough?  Ain't no valley low enough?  Ain't no river wide enough?

Where the hell does Michael Mcdonald live?  He should seriously consider dating somebody from his neighborhood.  This seems like a pretty unimpressive promise in today's day and age.  On the one-in-a-billion chance McDonald does have a mountain, valley, and river between him and his loved one …worst case scenario, you take a plane.  While you're at it, you might as well promise to save her from twenty-foot radioactive killer pickle.

The Proclaimers

On a similar note – "I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door."

It's called a car you moron… use it.  I don't know about you, but if I'm dating someone, and they would prefer to waste six weeks walking before spending time with me, I wouldn't be all that pleased.

Dee-Light

I think Dee-Light was mistaken.  Groove isn't in the heart.  It's in the appendix, and unfortunately, they removed mine.

The Smurfs

One hundred smurfs and only one Smurfette?  You've gotta be smurfing me!

Revenge of the Nerds

I just saw the movie 'Revenge of the Nerds' again recently.  In the movie, there is a pivotal scene predicated on Halloween costumes.  More specifically, the bad-guy jock is wearing a costume that complete obscures his appearance.  The loveable protaganist nerd, Loius, dons a similar costume, and proceeds to have sex with the jock's unwitting cheerleader girlfriend.  The cheerleader, presumably, is completely unaware that her costumed paramour is Louis instead of her boyfriend. 

In retrospect, how is this not rape?

As a nice little added moral, when the cheerleader finds out afterwards that her costumed lover was someone other than her boyfriend, she isn't angry at all.  Her reason... the nerd was better in the sack. 

The moral - rape is ok, as long as the girl likes it.

I suppose the title Revenge of the Rapists draws alot less audience sympathy.

Evolution

Here's a quick thought question for you (and yes, I already know the answer).  Evolution is based on the principle that any trait that increases the chance of creating a genetically similar offspring will become more pronounced over generations.  How does this concept fit in with homosexuality and suicide, as both traits make it LESS likely to produce genetically similar offspring?

Cats

Let me get this straight... cat's literally lick the crap off of themselves, and this gives them the reputation of being clean animals?  Soap and water to remove dirt = clean.  Licking yourself = dirty.