How Did I Miss My Brother's Addiction?

Sometimes the contrast between two separate moments in the same day can be so stark that it literally paralyzes you.

I remember it was a good day. I was enjoying myself; my nieces and nephew were running around the house and most of my family was visiting. I always have a great time with my nieces and nephew. I constantly need something going on for entertainment, and having three nieces and a nephew in the house means there is always something going on. I don’t think I’m ever happier than when I’m being used as a human jungle gym by the kids. At that moment, they were fighting for my attention. Amber was trying to get me to teach her a song on the piano, Ashlea and Britney wanted me to play a customer for the pretend store they were setting up, and Christian was trying to steal my baseball cap. We all had about twenty minutes to kill before going to see the Disney movie ‘Finding Nemo’.

My cell phone rang. It was Joyce, my brother Chris’ girlfriend. It seemed odd to get a call from Joyce. I never suspected I would be talking to Joyce almost every day for the next year and a half.

“Hey Joyce, how’s it going?”

“kip…” She started slowly. She wasn’t crying, and she didn’t sound overly excited. I can’t put my finger on what it was, but somehow in one word her voice still managed to convey that something was horribly wrong.

“Wait a second Joyce, I can’t hear you. Let me get out of this room.”

I got up and immediately went down to the basement. I had no clue what I was about to hear next, but I knew I didn’t want to hear it surrounded by my nieces and nephew. I didn’t know Joyce that well, but there was something in her tone and manner that instinctively told me Chris was either dead or on the verge of dying. Perhaps that sort of thing is just encoded in our genes.

Joyce started speaking very quickly; her words were almost spit out between ragged gasps of air to catch her breath. “I don’t know what happened… Chris and I went out to dinner. He had a couple of drinks, but I didn’t see him drink more than a few. About halfway through dinner, he started to talk incoherently; I decided to get the check and get out of there. I put him into bed, and put him on his back to be safe. I came in two hours later, and he didn’t seem to be breathing – I tried to wake him, but I couldn’t – so I called 911. His lips were blue kip, they were BLUE!”

I started to pace up and down the basement stairs and into the family room. I have no clue why, but part of my mind started to completely dissociate from the conversation. I remember noticing the fake wooden paneling on the wall in the family room - Christ did it make the room look like it was straight out of the seventies. God damn it kip focus! Whatever this is, it’s very bad. You need to be at your best right now.

I remember trying to sound as confident and as soothing as possible.

“Joyce, calm down, everything is going to be fine… is Chris alright?”

That was stupid of me! I thought to myself. Why was I saying everything was going to be fine when I had no clue what the hell was going on? Is Chris even alive?

“They don’t know yet.”

“Tell me exactly what the doctor said Joyce,” I said with as much patience as I could muster. My pacing started to pick-up, become slightly more agitated and determined.

“Chris threw-up and it got in his lungs. The doctors cleaned out his lungs the best they could and got an oxygen tube in, but his O2 stats are still dropping. They say there is nothing else they can do. If his O2 doesn’t come up he’ll be dead in the next few hours… even if he recovers now he might have brain damage. He didn’t have more than a few drinks kip!”

I remember the air completely leaving my lungs, like when I got the wind knocked out of me playing football. I immediately stopped pacing… hell, I couldn’t even move. One minute I was playing with my nieces and nephew, the next my brother is on the verge of dying. It was like when you place ice in a glass directly from the hot dishwasher - sometimes the shift in temperature is so sudden and so great that the glass shatters. I think my brain shut down for a few seconds; I couldn’t get my thoughts together. I can’t breathe… Joyce needs you to be calm. For Christ’s sake, keep your head kip!

“kip, I don’t know what to do! Should I tell your family?”

Some part of me started to think rationally. Chris and Joyce were in Arizona, we were in Michigan. We couldn’t exactly get to the hospital in time. If Chris makes it, the family will have been spared a few hours of living hell; they’ll be mad I didn’t say anything, but they won’t suffer needlessly. If Chris dies, at least they’ll get a few more hours of happiness before they find out. They probably won’t forgive me for not telling them if Chris dies, but it’s the right choice.

“No Joyce, there’s no need for them to know at this point, it can’t help. I’ll let them know when we have more information. Do you have anyone you can call to come over to the hospital and wait with you?” She did have someone in the area, her sister. How the hell did I say all of that so nonchalantly?

My sister Shannon found me at the top of the basement stairs. Everyone was ready to leave for “Finding Nemo”.

“It’s time to rock n’ roll kip…”

“Just a sec,” I replied with an easy smile. I said it naturally - how did I pull that off? Can’t Shannon tell something’s wrong? I walked quickly back down into the basement.

“Joyce, call me as soon as you have any more information.”

I jumped in my car with my sister Lori, my mother, Britney, and Christian. Mom seems quiet. Does she know something is wrong? Nope, I think this is just Mom’s regular brand of holiday bitchy.

On the car ride to the movie I was absolutely normal. I told jokes. I made everyone laugh. I entertained the kids like I always do. I'm my family's resident entertainer; if I go quiet everyone knows something is very wrong. No one noticed anything different, and that made me feel guilty. How did I pull-off acting normally on the way here? Shouldn't a good brother be too upset to behave normally?

My cell phone flickered between 0 and 2 bars in the theater. That I remember – I stared at the display screen almost the whole movie.

What if I miss the call?

I can't watch "Finding Nemo" to this day. In the beginning of the movie the father fish loses his whole family except his son. I watched the movie for maybe 5 minutes in total that night, and the only scene I caught was the father and son losing the rest of their family.

Are you fucking kidding me – this is a Disney movie! I could get a call any minute telling me my brother is dead; couldn't they just have a movie with the god damned singing china again? Shit, I'm crying… someone is going to notice. KEEP IT TOGETHER kip! Go to the bathroom, see if you can get a better signal outside, and wipe off the tears… fucking Disney.

The call came after I got home. Chris' O2 stats were back up. He was talking a little. He admitted to downing a few Xanax and a few Percocet left over from his back surgery. Coupled with a few drinks, it hit him harder than he expected. He seemed slow, but if there was brain-damage, it wasn't too readily apparent.

I let my family in on the events of the night. My mother was very angry I chose not to tell her before I knew the outcome.

Christ Mom, I just went through hell all alone. Don't give me a lecture now - I did it to save you. Can't you just have one empathetic thought in your entire life?

We were all a little worried about Chris after that evening, but we kind of just looked past it.

Chris is a genius, he always pushes the boundaries. That's what makes him smarter than everyone else. He's always doing something that almost gets him killed, but it never does. Chris is charmed – he's destined to do something great. This is just another Crazy Chris story we'll look back on and laugh.

What the hell was i thinking?