The Journey of Divorce

    Divorce is hard, even for the strongest of us.  There was a time that I believed nothing could be worse than the marriage I was in, and that I would prefer to spend the rest of my days alone than to continue that existence.  It took courage I never realized I had, to leave. More fear then I could have imagined once I was on my own, and acting skills I never knew I possessed to hide the terror and anxiety from my daughter.

    One of the hardest things was learning to cope with the knowledge that I had taken from my child her daddy, her home, her dog and her yard to move her into a low-income apartment with an unobstructed view of the city dump. In hindsight, it’s obvious that I tried to overcompensate because after the first year I had my hands full dealing with a spoiled and barely controllable 4 year old with a toy collection that made navigation of the apartment a dangerous undertaking. Once I realized I had created a monster, I did a full analysis of my behavior.

    Firstly, I had forced myself to maintain a good relationship with the ex for her sake and refused to insult, undermine or insinuate any negativity about him around her at all. Wonderful, at least I did that part right. She firmly believes that we are friends and she is fine with that. Secondly, she was well cared for, healthy and not at all lacking love or affection. Great, I am two for two. Thirdly, she was spoiled, demanding, hard headed and mouthy and at the age of 4 she was beginning to “liberate” stray items from school and stores.  She refused to do as she was told until she was good and ready. Her lack of respect for adults was humiliating in the extreme and she was getting ready to begin preschool.  I knew I would end up with a mini-hoodlum if I didn’t do something, but what?

    It was obvious that I had turned into a mommy shaped marshmallow and that she had seized control of our lives.  A friend of ours had even commented that she gave every appearance of being ADHD and suggested I seek assistance before she started school.  I admit, I had avoided any social contact after the divorce and had turned us into hermits, so whenever she was around anyone else she became excitable – but it was more than that. She was so strong willed, and I was so full of guilt for having upset her life, that I couldn’t seem to enforce my directives at all and since I despise any semblance of disharmony, I would never stand firm. Once I realized that the problem child in the house was me and not her, I knew who had to change.

    After a quick trip to a couple of my favorite bookstores, I was the proud owner of several parenting books as well as a couple books about ADHD.  Being a speed reader was a great asset as I made my way through the pile and I found them to be very helpful.  I borrowed some behavior improvement activities and customized them to our own needs, implemented them and stood firm. For the second time since my marriage ended, I cried myself to sleep more nights than not, but I refused to cave.  I downsized the toy collection and took control of my own apartment. New toys would be earned and not just provided because she asked for them. I created a behavior outline that allowed her to earn brightly colored stones for good behavior that converted into quarters after a specified amount of “good days”.  I did not demand perfection, but I did demand improvement, and I got it. She is now in Kindergarten and her teacher and classmate adore her. She gets great grades, and her babysitter and very pleased with her improvements as am I. 

    Now that she was somewhat under control I needed to decide what to do with myself.  I intentionally avoided any attempts at a relationship during the first 2 years simply because I didn’t trust my own judgment and couldn’t face putting us into a situation where we could be hurt again. When I did finally start dating I was faced with major self-confidence issues, opening the both of us to potential hurt, and a fear of not being good enough to have someone of my own. After several attempts and disappointments, I decided to remain in seclusion for the sake of my sanity. The loneliness, however, was killing me.  I never realized that the pain of being so alone could physically hurt and I really needed something to keep my mind off of it.  Something mentally challenging and enjoyable that could help create a better life for us.  College.

    I had dropped out of college twenty years ago and had considered going back several times, but my ex assured me I was not smart enough to succeed and why waste money on a gamble like that.  Now that he was out of the picture, I needed to know if I was as smart as I always thought I was, or as stupid as he believed. I applied to a local community college and took my assessments.  Surprisingly I scored high on everything but math, which has always been my downfall. Naturally, I took an Algebra class in my first term to prove to myself I could do it and I ended up with a strong A for a final grade.  I am currently in my 3rd term and am a straight A student working on my degree in Business Management.

    All said it’s been a very rocky road, but I have managed to survive with some semblance of grace. My little one and I are better and stronger than we were, and now face our challenges together as we should. We have a great support system of friends and pseudo-family that encourage and support us in our endeavors, and we have both accepted that we can’t just be given what we want in life without earning it.  It’s certainly an improvement from 3 years ago and getting better each day. I have found in myself traits I never knew I possessed and am finally seeing myself in a better light. Looking back, I firmly believe that taking a stand and going it alone was the best decision I have ever made. I still face the fear, uncertainty and loneliness on a daily basis, but I have learned to be thankful for what I have and not bemoan what I don’t have as much as I once did. Most importantly, I have found a form of contentment in my life that I haven’t known in a very long time and an ability to believe in a positive future.  I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I know I can face it and am looking forward to the challenge.