The magical land of Daronia

There once existed a far off and magical (and very narrow) place known as Daronia (hereafter reffered to as Namesarehard (see how I just undermined an entire tenet of the assignement with a 5 word aside? I love my job)). Namesarehard was located on an isolated island, floating in the middle of a desolate ocean within another island floating in the sky above a third island, which was itself floating freely through the solar system within a galaxy contained entirely within the confines of my cat's back. Anyway, Namesarehard had a temperate climate with hot, rainy summers, and cold, windy winters, partly cloudy, with a small chance of rain on sunday. In Namesarehard, one was free to practice their own religon as long as it was Arcanism. Arcanism is the worship of cats, and the belief that ninjas had a hand in causing and resolving every major world conflict. Additionally, Arcanists believe that Jesus used guns to fight off the armies of Drawnablank in the war to begin all wars, later renamed World War -1. Come to think of it, Namesarehard was the place where Jesus was actually born. However, he was too powerful, so the residents of Namesarehard broke him into numerous pieces and scattered him about the earth, as villagers were wont to do in those times. The best known Jesus was actually Pastry-chef Jesus, but there were numerous others who existed at the same time, like Raptor Jesus, RPJesus, Ninja Jesus, Angry Jesus, Russian Jesus, and many more.

As long as I'm off topic, I think I'll rant about why Napoleon Dynamite sucks. Mainly because I believe that you can say what you want as long as you can back it up. Also I did it for The Things They Carried, and I don't want to give the book any kind of treatment remotely close to special. As such, any book or movie, or form of media in general (or even the forces of nature itself) that incur my rancor will from this day forward recieve their comeuppance in the order they are recieved. Please stay on the line:
Okay, to be fair, It doesn't really suck. I actually kind of liked it. At first anyway. But then everyone started this huge explitive tirade about how it was the greatest expletive thing since sliced expletive bread. It wasn't that expletive good. It got the same expletive attention that Nightmare Before Christmas got 13 expletive years after its expletive release. How could it take people 13 expletive years to realize the genius of Nightmare Before Christmas, and why do they immediately flock to crap like Napoleon Dynamite. Like I said, it was good, but it wasn't that good. In all honesty, looking back, it seems to be nothing but a bunch of idiots prancing around for two hours without accomplishing an expletive thing. Granted there is a plot, but,... well, you know how they say that, given an infinite amount of time a bunch of monkeys could eventually write shakespeare? Well now we know what happened to the first draft. And people need to stop saying "flippin.'" I am well aware, of course, that the movie wasn't the advent of that words usage, but it certainly caused an expletive resurgence in it. Just be like a normal expletive high school student and curse quietly. Beyond all that, just stop making all of the goddamned references and quotes to it. No one gives a mouse's mule what a Liger is, and this movie isn't really the pop culture god everyone's expletive making it out to be.

Getting back on topic, Namesarehard was troubled every year by the month of Deathuary, so named because for the entire month (about 26 days of our time), death would rain indefinitely from the sky. Now, some may say this isn't physically possible. These people are obviously new, or just haven't been paying atttention. I am the author. I change the laws of physics for breakfast. Evolution is my mistress, and creationism is my wife. Cardboard boxes are fun! But cardboard boxes provided little protection against the purple-thin shards of death that poured from the sky every year (now, some may wonder where the materials for the cardboard boxes came from. There are two answers to this: One; shut up, and two; they ordered 27' TVs from the future, and dumped the TVs into the ocean. Actually, that also explains the thusfar unmentioned Fish Famine of 0001 AD) That is, except one cardboard box. The box known as Shadow Moses. Shadow Moses was unique because it was the only carboard box made from and unnknown type of cardboard, affectionately nicknamed lead, after the first ruler of Namesarehard. Unfortuanately, Potassium, the last ruler of Namesarehard used Shadow Moses to build a fort, and then forgot where it was. He tried to find it but died of a heart attack (brought on by a knife mysteriously protruding from his torso) before he could. As such the people shared the same fate that befell that person who would not shut up; death by me. Now, at this point I could simply change the rules so that they all lived, but that would be far to easy. Besides, they already used up their one favor when I stopped the Great Potato Fight of '74. Of course, you wouldn't know about that, since I went back and deleted it because it never happened. As far as you know. In any case, several tour guides decided to look for Shadow Moses while giving a tour of Namesarehard. Thus the quest was born.

Upon leaving the capital city of Namesarehard, the tour guides ( Who will now be referred to as Robert J. Williamson.) came across the first wonder of Namesarehard (wonder in the sense that it makes you wonder why its so important.) The Giant Wall. The Giant Wall, crafted in 1234 A.C., was initially designed as a defense against the neighboring island of Strokemycat, an island of fierce craftsmen. This idea didn't exactly pan out, however, because the plans were accidently read sideways. As a result, instead of having a wall that was 1000 feet wide and 7 feet tall, they had a wall that was 7 feet wide and 1000 feet tall. Luckily, the inhabitants of Strokemycat weren't particularly smart, and were nonetheless stymied by the presence of the wall. Additionally, they had wood, which was scarce on Namesarehard, and Namesarehard had water, which Strokemycat lacked, despite being surrounded by it (I already mentioned that they weren't that bright.).

They headed west, and came to the Unpassable Mountains. The Unpassable Mountains were, as one might guess, impossible to pass. This was due largely to the Docile River. The Docile River was a surprisingly inapt name, as it was very rocky and almost constantly flooded due to the large incoherent force of my very mind. Luckily, the unholy fusion of my mind and a piece of stationary (And the river too, I suppose) created a rich deposit of minerals and precious jewels. Unfortunately, the jewels were so abundant that if they were mined, they would be almost completely devalued because of how common they would be. Plus, the mountains were unpassable. However, luckily for our psuedoheroes, unpassable isn't a word. Thus they were able to pass safely through, and arrived at the main farmland of Namesarehard. Well, to be honest, it was really the only farmland of Namesarehard. There were other farms, but they tried to plant pie and muffins, so they really didn't accomplish anything. Anyhoo, the actual farms were in danger of extinction (which I suppose only actually applies to living things, but you get the idea) due to attacks by nomads. You see, the nomads once lived on an underwater island. However, over thousands of... days, this underwater island collided with Namesarehard and became a subteranean cave attached to Namesarehard. While there were plenty of places on Namesarehard that gave food away for free, they were a lot farther away than the farms and had a crapload of paperwork, so the farms were simply more convenient. Being on a quest, Robert J. Williamson (hereafter reffered to as Pedxing) was required for some reason to drop everything and help every stupid villager solve their petty little problems. As such, he agreed to stake out the night and wait for the nomads.

During the night, the nomads came as usual (must... resist... innuendo.) . Pedxing (hereafter reffered to as Scalpelexis) confronted them and offered them brochures in exchange for leaving the farms alone. The nomads, of course, agreed. Wait, they weren't supposed to do that. They also gave him a Flux capaciter (trust me, it will be useful later). Ah well. Anyways, Scalpelexis (hereafter reffered to as Flagrin) headed east to the famed Rocky Seashores of Namesarehard. Rocky Seashores was an old hermit with dementia living on the easternmost point of Namesarehard. He also moonlighted as a hobo. Some suspect he was the very hobo responsible for The Things They Carried. Thus, upon meeting him, Flagrin (hereafter reffered to as Jimmy the Wuss) punched him square in the stomach... and the face.... and then things went black.... then the cops showed up. Anyway, near where Rocky Seashores lived there were several Islands. Island, by the way, was the name of a famous bar in that day, and was often a harbor for bums who only went in for temporary salvation form the cold winter storms. Upon entering, Jimmy the Wuss (hereafter reffered to as Chubbles) found... a PDA! PDAs were scarce back then due to the fact that they didn't exist yet. Luckily, it was in a chest, and you don't question things you find in chests. The PDA also conveniently had the coordinates of Shadow Moses. It was actually in a sub-ether dimension located directly below Chubbles's (hereafter referred to as Yomama) nose.

Yomama (hereafter reffered to as Ijustdontcareanymore) then used the flux capaciter he had been given (told you it would be useful) to enter the sub-ether zone and recover Shadow Moses. He then returned to the capital triumphantly. Sadly, Deathuary was over, and the month of 800ocember had begun, incinerating everyone instantly.


Artifacts:

The Flux Capaciter: The Flux Capaciter is a rare device whose components are known only to mentally unstable kittens, leprechauns, and the starting line up of the 1982 Mets. The only thing us mortals have been able to deduce is that it seems to be made entirely of duct tape. It has also been proven that it has the power to break the fourth wall, and make deliscious apple pies on tuesday.

Shadow Moses: Shadow Moses is one of the most powerful (and heavy) cardboard boxes known to persons.

PDA: A PDA is a rare and mystical semi-nonexistant artifact crafted from the head of a goat, and the body of a horse. Once per day per level, the wearer of a PDA may use Delayed Blast Fireball, as though cast by a 10th level sorcerer. The PDA can not be worn by anybody with an evil alignment. a wearer of the PDA may not cast any Illusion spells, and gets a +6 to all rolls made for Divination spells.
Moderate transmutation; CL 4th, Craft Magic, Combat Reflexes, Endurance, Eschew materials; Price: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 gp; Weight: 1 lb.