drunken insights

Even the smell leaves me severly intoxicated. I linger, knowing every moment if forbidden, and relishing the pleasure that accompanies the danger.
How do I describe the unlawful scent? The unknown factor that causes my pulse to race? I am a slave, a slave to humanity, to the human race, to this toxic planet known as earth.
The stinch is deadly. Yet it entices every being it crosses. A willful odor combusted of wealth and greed, failure and glory, utopia and hell. I inhale. I take a strong bite into the apple of eden, sucking the powerful juices and savoring there sweetness, engaging in the sheer delight. And for a brief, fleeting moment, I feel nothing but pleasure. Quick as lightning in a raging spring storm, the epitome of a convulsing orgasm during pivoting sex. It peaks, then rapidly declines, leaving me livid, and disoriented and deep into the depths of rock bottom.

I am speaking of my life. The give and take, the yin and yang, the constant voices that battle eachother for good and evil. And I wonder, as I dwell in this hellish state, when did the world turn on me? I sensorily visit my most pleasant of memories- the comfort of a family, the freedom of an Eastren shore, the security in friendship- and I wonder, did the tide turn poiseness overnight? Did childhood pass with the speed of a bullet train? And most significantley, does every individual deal with this complex situation that has been thrust upon me?

I am inclined to belive it is all an inlution. Life, love, emotion- all a stimulated response to the stimulated response of other. All action and reaction. Starting with one simple molocule, and such molecule ignites another and the chain reaction ensues. I suppoes that is my theory of exhistance, scientifically speaking.

I remeber running along the shore, the sand embedding my small feet like quicksand, surrounding and grasping them tight for that efferecent brief second. And then I pull away, driven by the vision of freedom. Propelled by organic curiosity. And my other foots thrusts violently into the nurturing sand. And the cycle has begun. Step, step, step- running faster and harder and exuding mroe effort with each and every step.

But I am blinded, perhaps by the white sun, or the mystical ocean, but most likely by the the fluttering of my heart. I loose all sense of time or being and I am lifted into a euphoric state. The state of the moment, with no past, no future. Only the present. The salty wind whipping against my sunburnt face. My legs and arms and stomach bare to the world. Thin speckles of sand catching in my eye lashes,blurring my vision. I feel every muscle and bone in my body. No questions are left unanswered. And I continue into oblivian, for no reason other than the fulfilling sensation of the very moment.


Nowadays, when I run upon a beach, I am told to supress the quiet and poetic and soothing and blissful nature. My past tells me I have grown beyond such ignorance. My future will not allow me to forget about it. For a moment, my once stronger self commands me to soar through the sand like I motored vechicle, but my "more intelligent:, developed self warns me against such destructive behavior. And for that, for the restraints unwillingly locked upon me, for the imprissonment of the butterfly that was inforced against my will, for the turmulative coping methods life demanded I create: I hate it!! All of it!! This thing I call my body, these walls I call my shelter, these aliens I call my peers. Its all enraging!! I just want to burst, erupt with the force of an ancient volcano and rebel against this unchivalary instituion of life!!! But Im stuck- both in the physical and mental sense!! My cage is built of steel and despite the furious efforts I cannot break free!!! In front of me stand a sold stone wall, filled with distracting decorations to relieve my mind from its detOIRATION!! And to both sides, of me, left and ride and behind, stand those same walls, all clevorly disguised prison cells, mocking and tormenting my pain!! The visual appeal of them serving like sprinkles on a cupcake- to simpyl beautify the true substance of the object. To sweeten the journy!


Fuck! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now ive gotten myself all worked up and on the verge of frusterated tears and for no point. FUCKIGN STUPID ELISE. i must stope that, and soon- that cursing of myself! the punishment i subject myself to daily. Okay, okay. it will al;l be okay. i didnt mean to scrutinize you with that harsh outlook on life. maybe it wont be real, maybe it will be even more icing and sprinkles on the dense cake, but it will help to depart you from this fatalistic state of mind.






























so forget it. forget all that rubbish. stop. breath- in through the nose, steady and reliant, and out, out through the lips, ;letting all the negative thoughts and pounding believes out with it. now scream. one large, long loud sound, subtracting all the unwanted knowledge from your body. set it all free into the surrpunding atmosphere. I am going to marilus room to make my sound, bc it is a larger, more hea;ling space.


wait, though. before you go- i need to tell you something..... alll of the above were the ramblings of a pessimistic doomed creature who is clawing to get ahold of you. life is a wonderful blessing full of pleasures and meaning, and if you just follow the advice of those older and wiser than you, you will surley one day see, in 20/20, vision, the truth and satisfaction of it all. now go- dream, intake, taste the senusality of the beauty. allow youself to be blissfully ignorant and flow upon the stream. drift, without noticing your passing surrounding. only be aware of the shifting water beneath you, that forces that glides you into the next chapter. goodnight, my peaceful angel.