UNDERSTATED

Through all experiences, whether good or bad, it's easy to notice the nuances that could have made it perfect. Sometimes minor things would have been the difference between a negative occurrence and a positive outcome. Other times the flaws are so major that it is recognizable to everyone around you.  Either way after it's all said and done the path to perfection is easily notice, and ingrained into the subconscious, for the rare opportunity that is might happen again. And if it ever does, you would know exactly how to make it just right.

This is how it is to have gone through so many imperfect episodes that once the flawless one presents itself, a new unseen challenge now is completely out of your control.


                                                *** *** *** *** ***



Ever feel like the thing you want most is right in front of you, and no matter how many details you can see, you will never have it. But it's so close, your only inches away from touching it, it's well within your grasp, but just far enough away not to hold.

Imagine being tied down to a chair, legs and arms strapped down so tight the circulation suffers, gagged with anything that only allows you to breath and not formulate understandable words. Now that movement has been prohibited and you're beginning to feel slight discomfort, your eyelids are taped open. This is how it feels to be reduced to nothing but a spectator for the following events about to unfold. The chair is hoisted up high above the ground, and begins to be lowered into a warehouse that is full of nothing but money, gold, precious gems, and anything else that would completely make your life perfect. As the decent reaches the point that it becomes easy to identify that the bills are the thousand increment variety, the chair suddenly stops. Left dangling centimeters away from engulfing yourself in the highest level of bliss, you sit and wonder what the point is. Even if by some miracle the cable snapped and the chair actually made it into this sea of delight, wouldn't that be worse? Being eyeball deep in a faultless reality that has been daydreamed about ever since you could remember. But yet not able to actually fully enjoy it, still being restrained to the chair there is no way benefit from this newly found fortune. So very close to call it your own, but just far enough to leave you wanting.

Just like finding the last piece to thee most difficult puzzle ever designed, one that has taken decades to build. And once that final piece is in your palm, but the location of this concluding portion is now nowhere to be found. The excited feeling that has just utterly overwhelmed your entire being has suddenly become panic and worry that you will not find the void in which to fill. Does the discovery of the missing section ever look better than the completed picture?



Found the treasure chest; just no tools to open it.





To slightly understate the obvious: Bittersweet.


The point is with this New Year, new feelings have been uncovered. I'm ok with being overrun by one emotion, but two at the same time is something I never thought was possible, and of course completely unprepared for. And the fact that they are on the opposite end of the spectrum makes it all the more mind boggling. As if they were meant to fuel each other and collectively magnify the confusion. I have made it a point to allow changes affect me and not try to repress them any longer. As I make a turn on this journey of life, the new road has me stumbling on my first steps. Although I'm so very close to falling down and hurting myself, I'd have to say this has to be by far thee most breathtaking street I have ever set foot on.