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I haven't seen him since. It was the middle of winter. Before Christmas. |
there's no reception in that barn and that black stove doesn't give off too much warmth just made me nervous when people would stagger by kept seeing people getting third degree burns in my mind we fought for hours before I decided I'd go there where I refused drinks and wished I'd worn more layers and hoped that tall guy with the chain would stop looking at me. my friend who drove was in a tank top with her eyes already red and we had already been there longer than she said no signal sign kept blinking on my screen but I figured you weren't trying to get through anyway I was surrounded by faces I'd seen in passing but never heard the voices to match to the person and all of a sudden I'm making small talk with them just so that maybe I won't look as stupid as I feel. the hours that have felt like weeks finally reach 1 am and I'm more ready to be with you than I've ever been I check to see if she'll be okay to drive when she announces we'll be there a little longer, is that okay? of course I force myself to nod and then go outside so maybe I can get a bar I am standing in a foot of snow but I finally connect to you I don't remember if I was crying, but I remember you not helping my breath looked like thick smoke in front of my face and my hands were shaking just like my voice I know that you heard it and so we both knew I'd be there soon. I hung up and went back to where it wasn't any warmer than outside I made up a quick lie of how I could not stay the night I told her she didn't have to take me to my car, she could stay and I told her I would find another way when one of the boys I'd never talked to offered he said he hadn't started yet when I tried to subtly check his breath I felt some emotion other than panic for the first time all night she hugged me and I told her to call when she wanted to leave. I finally felt heat when we were in his car when I put my number in his phone I told him my name and he laughed, and said I know I told him that I was going to see you, I don't really tell anybody about you but I thought it was funny how our conversation flowed and that we spoke like we were best friends even though we've never said a word to each other before the middle of the night seems to do that to people people act differently than they do in daylight like somehow it's not really happening because the world's asleep, including the sun especially because I haven't talked to him since we formed a plan of how he'd call me if she couldn't drive I got out of his car and got into mine. the roads were empty, just like they always were I knew those curves and bumps perfectly from all the nights before my boots got wet from the ice on the sidewalk my nose turned red from the freezing winds against my face green garland wrapped around your silver banister and wreaths with holly hung from your townhouse windows as always I tried to open the door as quietly as I could and as always the knob rattled loudly and the door opened with a crash. we met in the hallway, and your shirt was yellow you told me you'd be right back, and I went in your room and sat where I had the time to notice everything I'd been missing that things weren't where they used to be your bed, your tv, chairs, all moved to different walls those papers scattered across the floor, gone that glass table, in the middle of the room, without the candle I tried to concentrate on whatever was on tv baseball or soccer or something I couldn't focus on you came in and you sat down, folded your hands and put your head down you looked at me with so much question in your eyes asked something we both knew I couldn't answer I didn't feel like talking, after all those forced conversations that night I just took your hands and moved closer. and for once hoped it would be alright. and it was. but that was the last time. and nothing went as smoothly as it used to you were nervous and it was frustrating I didn't want you to say anything but you had an objection to every move I made part of me wanted to just get up and leave but a bigger part was hoping you'd just lay down... |