Angel on my shoulder

Angle on my Shoulder

It all must of started about a year ago, I am not really sure but at least 9 months ago. Their was this interruption in my thoughts. It would happen even during my sleep and awake me. It is hard to call it a voice, for it didn't seem to be. But I kept getting this message to find God. Yes find God. Several times a day this message would interrupt my thought both day and night. After a couple months of this I went to the library and started checking out books on the History of Religion. Not just one or two, May says maybe a hundred, well perhaps not that many but close to it.
The best book was "who wrote the Bible" Wow! There are a lot of personal opinions in those books. Another good book was "walking in Jesus foot steps" It was the history and the thinking of people in those times. The 12 men who followed Jesus, boy did they fight among them selves and very jealous of each other. Kind of like people I know today. I don't know why I got the message to start looking at religion or looking for God what ever. But it has changed my outlook on several things about life. Cancer has also changed me, talk about something that will make you think its time to Buddy Up With God. Well! Cancer will do that,
After reading several books for and against religion and all types of different opinions about who God is by very renowned authors on religion I have a very different idea of God. It is very different from what my Southern Baptist and Roman Catholic upbringing left me with. You don't have to find God in a church. In fact I am beginning to think every church has short changed us on who God is and should take a different approach to bringing the flock back to the shepherd. There are not enough words in me to explain this now.

Where is my anger? I've looked for it. It was suppose to be phrase one, when you get the news you have cancer. Since I received my cancer news I have thought of a lot of things but anger hasn't bee one of them. I do however give a lot of thought of how I can enjoy each day and of many things I never took time to look at or think about before. I think I am looking at a new life and perhaps a better life. There is pre cancer life and cancer life. Believe me there is a difference.

Growing up when at the age of five I was very sick with an Illness that was to do me in before the age of sixteen. Living in a small town the news of my illness was on the lips of every house hold, and rumors of it on the lips of most of my childhood playmates. I always knew I was not to live to be big. When I was eight years old a boy close to my same age moved in a few houses down. He had leukemia and like me was to have a short life.
My friend was very pale and always weaker than I was and usually could not play very long or ever day.We spent that summer playing together, he died that fall at the age of nine.
We often talked about having an Angel on our shoulder to protect us. The thought of that young boy have come back to me after all those years.



I am under going treatment for non-Hodgkin's lymphoma cancer have the Mantle type non-Hodgkin's there is no cure for it so I am in a phase two research program at Barnes Hospital in St. Louis. They are able to keep this type of cancer in remission for up to five years. and in a few cases longer. To do this you also have to have a stem cell transplant.
For this treatment only nine hospitals are able to do it . I am in the best place I can be and will be fine. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers
Now I am looking for that Angel on my shoulder.

Day One Chemo


May and Kristie came with me to Checked in at Barnes hospital on 03/06/08 at 2:00 pm, one nurse name Michele has been in to ask more questions the she should. She talked about the chemo treatment I am to have and what to look forward to. Well I already have an idea on that, you will make me feel sicker than I ever have in my life.
The chemo will be administered 24 hours a day and I will be here until Sunday. Then come back Monday for a shot to keep my white blood cell count up. For the first few chemo treatments I will have a room mate. But when I start the stem cell treatment I will be in a special private room to keep infection down. This is also a part of Washington University a teaching hospital so their will be plenty of doctors looking at you and trying their luck at things. So I will keep an eye on those young doctors thats for sure. May is not going to come back till Saturday there really isn't much need for her to be here.

Well I don't know what you are doing but the doctor just left and I am having a nice cocktail of Rituximab it is a strong cancer fighting drug which has more side affects than you would want to know about. But it is great at killing cancer. In fact at this time they have two IV's in me one in each arm.
Now to keep me happy each day I will getting a different type of chemo.
I have a room mate about my age. He has the same type of cancer as I have, but the doctor so far hasn't told him the whole story. They are going to do that later.

Well this pretty much takes care of to day it is five pm ad I am going to order some dinner.

All night was spent getting chemo in each arm and a nurse doing Vitals every thirty minutes. When it comes to sleeping this is no red roof inn I was up early and spent time with a older black man shinning floors. Then was called back to my room to get a blood thinner which is given SQ in the stomach and will get that every day while i am here. Today I spent a lot of time with my IV stand walking the halls. and after seeing the other patients I am incline to believe I am the most handsome on the floor but then I am also the only one with hair, Well I just finished another IV bag of yuk, They give you a flyer with information about what they are giving you but don't read it, the side affects scare the siht out of you. I have to spell it that away or the e-mail won't go to small children. Second day here and boy my butt sure is sore, not the been in prison kind of sore but from laying in bed. So I've been walking a lot 13 times around the hall here you walk one mile so I have done two miles. I have too drink a lot of water this chemo is hard on your kidneys so after drinking 2 glasses of water every hour and IV of NS going 24 hours each day you sure pea a lot the nurses say they; have to see my pea, I don't know why guess they like to look at it. Anyway they; are getting behind I have a coupe gallon they haven't looked at. To day it has changed color a nice green tint but it doesn't glow yet. Some times they don't empty m;y urinal so I pea in my room mate he doesn't pea that much so I help him out. I am waiting for lunch and that is not a bad deal here you order off a menu any time you want and you don't have to tip. Another student doctor came in to feel me around. A liver doctor but she didn't look at my liver. The way she felt me up I am not sure she knew where my liver was. I think these student doctors want you to feel bad or have some kind of symptoms they always ask me if I feel like this or that. Guess i'll have to make up something so they will be happy and leave me alone.Their is one male doctor here with hair down on his shoulders boy did I get him on one of my true Ambulance stories.
Well this ends my day two on chemo journal no more chemo till tomorrow when I will get three types of Chemo and will be out her on Sunday morning.

If you ever pea red go update your will and hurry to the doctor. but if you are on chemo worry not, It's a gift, this morning I had the brightest strawberry red pea. But it went to waist. I had to fill up a cup to measure daily out put. In all reality I should of been able to excrete that bright pea and a public urinal with several onlookers. But it wasn't to be.
Unable to sleep last night, got up at 2 am before i get a bed sore and walked 3 miles. Thirteen times around the hall is one mile. This morning I have IV chemo drugs in each arm. Some of the chemo drugs you can not infuse in the same IV so they are always starting a new one. No side affects as of yet, but I am getting plenty; of drugs and pill the keep them away. Vitals around here seem to be every 30 minutes or every hour depends on what is going in your arm.
I have to keep a strong eye on my red pimp daddy hat, Some of the house cleaning help want to take it back to the Hood. This is not one of my best days but it is not a bad one either. But I do think I have a photo to send you to describe my mood for the day.I have had several doctors in to see me today some with good english and others not so good. Of course the all want a turn at poking at you with their cold hands. On Sunday I am to go home a three week vacation but I do have to be back here monday for some $1,800 dollar shot to help my white cell count grow.

So ends day three