War of the Bowels

I woke up Saturday, the day after Black Friday, in an unusual manner. I opened my eyes and attempted to casually release I grand old morning feel-good fart. Instead, However, the normal, self-proclaimed waker-upper had been replaced by a forgotten memory of the toddler days, known by many as "The surprise crap-in-the-pants."

I immediately fled my bed and sought solitude in my throne. Which, coincidentally, is also the vessel most commonly used to condemn the foul smelling demons. The mornings' events signaled the weekends' coming attractions.

After some needed recuperation, I proceeded to work. As I was cashiering at my part-time hobby job, doing the whole schpeal, a frequent and gregarious customer attempted to initiate some conversation.

"So, how's life?" he asked.

Rather than voicing an honest reply of, "Pretty crappy," or "it's going down the drain," my body began its' own reply. I could sense the enemies' presence. They were on the march. I acted on instinct.

"Jeff, take over!" I quietly bellowed to the manager as I struggled to alleviate myself from my work duties.

"What's wrong?" he asked, perplexed by my eccentric behavior.

"Don't ask questions!" I barked as I contemplated the best route to the bathroom that now appeared so hopelessly far away.

I had to act fast. I tightened my butt cheeks and duck walked to the back room as quickly as possible; dodging questions and shifty glances, for they would soon be answered. Not by words, but by more primitive forms of communication. The sort of whistles and clicks one imagines a lost tribe in Africa would speak. That is, if they had deep, echoing voices and lit matches after each conversation.

I emerged from the now tarnished throne room, victorious once again. There would be several victories that day, as well as the next. My boss, after some careful consideration, decided to send me home early. Mostly to thwart profit loss from excess toilet paper usage.

Overall the weekends' War of the Bowels was a miserable but enlightening battle. One which would not soon be forgotten.