Dreams Of Blood

I stared at my laptop screen. I saw the words she typed. I watched her rip my heart open and tear it to shreds. I watched her dig her knife right in. I watched her leave me for dead. Just words I tell myself. Don't let her get to you. I try to convince myself. This is pathetic, I'm getting this upset over what one girl says to me. But I love her... No. It's a crush. It's not love, you're only 14. You can't love someone this much.

I write back, the messenger window takes forever, why am I still talking to her?! I sit and continue to talk to her, pretend I don't care what she says to me, but in reality I've never been so upset in all my life. Tears form in my eyes.

I take my razor, raise up my skirt a little to reveal my thigh, I close my eyes and cut for dear life. The stress bleeds for what seems like hours, I stare at the blood against my pale skin. I gasp in pain, followed by insane laughter. Which scares me more than the cuts. Why do I enjoy this so much?!!

Why does she hate me so much? What did I ever do to her? She's the only reason I'm still here. The only reason I haven't killed myself sooner is because of her. I love her. She's my reason for living... And my reason for dying. I can't get her last message out my head - you going to go slash your wrists now? Maybe she's right. I lie on my bed, flat on my back and think. Who would care? Who actually gives a fuck about me? If I ended everything would I really be remembered in 6 months? Will anyone really care after a week?

As I lay here I'm wide awake, exhausted yet unable to sleep. All the things she said bleeds through my mind. I got up before the sun had rose.

I got dressed for school as quickly and as quietly as I could, like I was going to go - I hadn't been for a month at least. I glance at myself in the mirror and grin. Finally. Just what I've been waiting for.

As I sneak down to the kitchen I take the first packet of tablets I see- I don't care what they are. As long as they get the job done.

I quickly hide them in my school bag and leave. My mother and step-father where still asleep, I wonder if they'd even care that I'll be dead soon. Who'd have thought the last time I'd ever see them... No. Don't think about it like that. They won't care when you've gone. They won't. They can't. If anyone cared they'd have made it obvious sooner. They should have done.

I hope she's happy now. She got what she wanted. She doesn't understand what she's done. She's the only one who was keeping me here. If it wasn't for her I would have got what I wanted long ago. I wouldn't even be here for me to get this close to her. I look at my surroundings, I've been wandering around for a while, I have no idea where I am. I look at the contents of my hands, a pack of tablets and my ripped out heart. I open the pack and take them all, knocked back with a can of Relentless. My mind slowly loses focus and I stare in to space. This is it it's finally happening.

Then with my last ounce of strength I force myself to say four words I've been dying to say for weeks, months, years. Words I knew I'd ever speak, awake and alive. I love you Kayleigh...