Honey

When my brother came in from work and threw the Preston County Journal on the table in front of me, I froze. Honey’s death was plastered all over the front page. The headlines read:


TEEN KILLED IN ACCIDENT

Officials are not certain about
What happened. Seventeen year old
Court Andrews and his girlfriend
were on their way home from a dance
at their school when Court lost
control of his Chevrolet and swerved
on the wet pavement, killing fifteen year
old Honey Taylor instantly . . .

         At the top of the page was a picture of my car, crushed from rolling over the embankment. It was my fault. Honey’s death was my fault. If I had been going slower that I was maybe I could have controlled the car better. There were so many what-ifs that it gave me a migraine when I thought about it. Tears filled my eyes, but I blinked them back and took a deep breath. Sam was stranding over me now.
         “I really hope you’re happy, Court,” he told me. “The whole town is going to know now!”
         “Sam, it isn’t my fault!”
         “Yes,” he said. “It is your fault. You should have pain more attention to the road. You shouldn’t have been drinking. The cops said you were speeding. You’re lucky they didn’t arrest your ass. What were you thinking, Court?”
         “You’re perfect?”
         “No, but I would have been smart enough not to drive if I’d been drinking.”
         “It was an accident, Sam! An accident!” I repeated, my voice raising. “I loved Honey. She was my life. I would never have hurt her intentionally.”
         “You didn’t hurt her, Court. You killed her!”
         “She meant everything to me. I wish I had been the one to die, not her! I don’t need you blaming me, so just back off!”
         I shoved Sam out of my way and went to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me and, for the first time since the accident, I cried. I cried so long and so hard that my chest hurt. I soon fell asleep. It was dark outside when I opened my eyes again. I laid there for a moment and then I got up and went to the bathroom. I stared into the mirror. I almost did not recognize the person looking back at me. I splashed some cold water on my face and then I heard the phone ring. I ran into the living room and picked up the receiver.
         “Hello?”
         “Court?”
         “Yeah. Who is this?”
         “Katie Harris.”
         I sighed. “Katie.” She was my girlfriend, before Honey. “Hi, Katie. I didn’t recognize your voice.”
         “How have you been?” she asked me.
         “All right, I guess. Believing that she’s really gone is just so hard.”
         “Yeah. I know how much you loved her. I wish you had loved me that much.”
         “Katie . . . ”
         “Would you like some company?” she asked, cutting me off. “I could come over later. Maybe we could just talk.”
         “I don’t care.”
         “Are you sure?”
         “Yeah.”
         “All right,” she said. “I’ll be over in a little bit.”
         I hung up the phone and looked around the room. Our house was small, but it was home. I had not had much company since Honey died. Ryan and the boys stopped coming around. Maybe they blamed me, too. I was beginning to realize how much I was missing Honey. I missed her sweet voice.
         The door bell rang, interrupting my thoughts. I went to the door and opened it. It was Katie.
         “That was fast,” I told her.
         “I know,” she said. “But I wanted to see you.”
         I just smiled. “Come in.”
         We walked to the couch and began to talk.
         “Sometimes, I feel so guilty about the accident. Sam blames me. He says it was my fault. I wonder if Ryan thinks so, too. I haven’t seen him or anybody since the accident.”
         “It isn’t your fault, Court. It was an accident. Sometimes things happen that we can’t control no matter how hard we try. They shouldn’t blame you. You’ve already been through so much.” She placed her hand on top of mine and I looked at her. We stared for a moment.
         “Katie, I . . . ”
         “Shh,” she quieted me. “I know how much you loved Honey and I know you miss her, but eventually you must let go if you want to get on with your life.”
         “I know. I just don’t think I’m ready to do that.”
         “Let me help you,” she said and leaned in to kiss me. When her lips touched mine, Honey’s face flashed across my mind and I pulled away. “Please, Court,” she pleaded, leaning in to kiss me again. “I’ve missed you so much.”
         “Katie,” I said, quickly and gently pushed her away. “I’m not ready for this. Can’t you understand?”
         “I do understand,” she insisted. “I just thought . . . ” her voice trailed away as she leaned in again and this time, when her lips touched mine, I didn’t pull away. I welcomed the peaceful feeling that was building inside me. Soon, I was kissing her just as hard as she was kissing me. But I was not kissing Katie. It was Honey’s face that I was seeing in my mind. Honey that I was kissing. Suddenly, I pushed her away and stood up.
         “Katie . . . I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened.”
         She smiled. “I do, but it’s okay, Court. Really. It was good, though.”
         “It was?”
         “Yes. It was you, Court. You know that I have love for you. I always have. I enjoy being this close to you.”
         “Whatever happened to Anthony?” I asked her. “He is the one you left me for.”
         “I broke up with him when I realized how dumb I was. It’s you that I want, Court. Not him. I know that I have caused you pain and I am sorry. Would you ever consider giving me another chance?”
         “Look, Katie . . . ” I began. “Maybe someday I could come to love you, but . . . but not now. I can’t. I am still in love with Honey and getting myself into something that I am not ready for would not seem fair to you or anyone else. Please understand.”
         “I do,” she said.
         “Thank you, Katie.”
          She stood up and came forward and kissed me again. “Call me if you change your mind. See you around, Court.”
         After she had left, I closed the door behind her. I leaned against it for a moment and took a deep breath.
         “Oh, Honey, why did you do this to me?”
         When Sam came home, there was no conversation until we sat eating dinner.
         “I am sorry, Court,” he said to me. “For blaming you. I should not have done that.”
         I stared at him for a moment. “It’s all right.”
         “No. It isn’t. You have been through enough already without me adding to it.” He was quiet for a moment. “So . . . I noticed Katie’s number on the caller ID.”
         I nodded. “She called. She wanted to know how I was managing. She came over earlier and we talked for a little bit.” I took a bite of macaroni and cheese. “She came onto me, Sam.”
         He looked at me, quickly. “Really?”
         I nodded. “She kissed me, but in my mind, it wasn’t Katie that I was kissing,” I told him.
         He looked at me for a moment. “It was Honey?”
         I nodded, again. “Yes. I mean, in reality, it was Katie, but . . . anyway, I freaked out.”
         “I’ll bet.”
         “I miss her, Sam,” I said, after a moment’s silence.
         He looked at me, again. “I know you do.” He finished his dinner and then got up and washed his plate. Then he patted me on the back. “I’m going to go lie down for a while before I have to go back to work.”
         I never knew my father. Ever since Mom died, Sam has been working two jobs. He wakes up at six o’clock in the morning, goes to work until eleven. Then he comes home for lunch, naps and then goes back into work at two o’clock. He comes home at ten and goes to bed. Same routine the next day. I did not know how he survived it.
         After I had finished eating, I picked up the phone and dialed Ryan’s number, desperate for someone to talk to. It rang and rang and then someone picked up.
         “Hello?”
         “Hey, Ryan. It’s Court.”
         “Hi, Court,” he said. “Where have you been?”
         “Me? Where have you been?”
         “What do you mean?”
         “I haven’t seen or heard from anybody since the accident.”
         “Well, we just thought you might need some time to deal with everything, you know?”
         “What I need is some friend’s backing me up.”
         “What do you mean?”
         “The whole town is blaming me for what happened. Don’t you read the newspaper?”
         “Yeah,” he said, “but you know I don’t believe anything they write in that paper.”
         “What? So . . . you don’t blame me?”
         “Why?”
         “The accident,” I reminded him. “Honey’s death.”
         “No way. Why would you think we would blame you for it?”
         “Sam did.” There was a pause.
         “Will you be home later?” he asked me.
         “Yeah. I ain’t got nowhere to be.”
         “Okay. I will gather up the gang and we will be over soon.”
         “Okay.”
         Sam woke up around one and took a shower to get ready for his second job. I gathered up some potato chips and some drinks for when my friends stopped by. I turned on Sam’s stereo and turned it way up. When my friends finally showed up, we chilled in the living room and goofed off for a while.
         “How could you think we would you, Court?”
         “Yeah,” said Amy. “We love you too much to do that.”
         “It wasn’t anyone’s fault, Court. It was an accident,” Ryan told me.
         “I know. You won’t believe who came by today,” I said, changing the subject.
         “Who?” Chris asked.
         “Katie.”
         “Really?” Carl followed.
         “What did she want?” Amy asked, who never did like Katie too well.
         “She said she just wanted to check on me.”
         “Yeah,” Ryan said. “I’ll bet that’s not all she wanted.”
         I laughed for the first time in weeks. “Of course not. She wants me back.”
         “What are you going to do?” Amy asked.
         I shook my head. “I don’t know. I told her that I was still in love with Honey. That it would not be fair to her or anyone else to get myself into something that I’m not ready for.”
         “That’s true,” Ryan said. “It’s not good to run toward something when your running away from something else.”
         “That’s very wise, Ryan,” Chris said, making fun.
         “I know,” Ryan said, with a chuckle.
         “Yeah. I think she understood,” I said.  “Still, she left very quick.”
         “That figures,” he told me.
         A couple of weeks later, I was feeling really low about myself, so I picked up the phone and dialed Katie’s number. Her mother answered the phone.
         “Oh, Court!” she exclaimed when she realized who I was. “I heard about Honey. Are you all right?”
         “As good as can be expected, I guess,” I replied. “Is Katie around?”
         “Yes, Dear. Here she is?”
         “Thanks.”
         “Court?” Katie said, sounding surprised.
         “Hi, Katie. Can you come over?”
         “Have you changed your mind?”
         “I just need some company.”
         “Okay, she said. “I’ll be right over.”
         “Okay.”
         I hung up the phone and stood there, waiting. Ten minutes passed and Katie was at my front door. I was not sure why I even called her. I just wanted someone to talk to, but it was too late to change my mind now. When I answered the door, she was wearing a miniskirt and a T-shirt tied at the waist. We went into the family room and, for a second, nobody said anything.
         “Why did you ask me over here?” she asked me, finally.
         I looked at her for a moment. “Honestly?”
         “Honestly.”
         I laughed, gently. “I really don’t know.”
         She looked at me for a moment, a smile playing on her lips. “I think I know why.”
         We stared for a moment.
         “Um, would you like something to drink?” I asked her. “We have soda, or tea.”
         “A Pepsi is fine,” she told me.
         I went into the kitchen and took a can of Pepsi out of the refrigerator. I was standing at the counter, when Katie came into the kitchen and wrapped her arms around my waist. She pressed her body against mine, allowing me to feel every inch of her. I felt her lips on the back of my neck and I closed my eyes, trying to suppress the feeling that was rising in the pit of my stomach.
         “Katie,” I said, my voice low. “Katie, don’t do this to me.”
         Still, I wanted it. I wanted her.
         “Shh,” she whispered. “Court . . . ”
         I turned to face her and I grabbed her wrists with my hands. “Katie, I can’t.” 
         “You can,” she insisted, and pressed her lips to mine, kissing me long and hard.  I couldn’t resist her any longer.
         “Katie . . . ” I gasped, when her lips touched my neck. “Honey . . . forgive me.”
         I took Katie’s face into my hands and kissed her hard on the lips. I swept her up into my arms and carried her into the family room, where I laid her down on the soft carpet. I lay beside her and, embracing her, kissed her again. My hands moved under her dress and gently pulled her panties off. I felt her fingers groping the button on my jeans and in seconds she had them undone and was moving the zipper down. I lay on top of her, nudging her legs apart with my own and entered her. She cried out, her hands pinching the skin on my arms. When I looked into her eyes, it was like I was looking into Honey’s. It was Honey that I was kissing, making love to. However, this was not love.  It was lust. When it was over, we lay there in silence for a long time.
         There was a knock on the front door and we groaned
         “Hold on!” I called.
         I rolled off her and pulled on my jeans. Katie got up, grabbed her clothes, and went to the bathroom. I went to answer the door. It was Ryan and the gang.
         “Hey,” I said to them. “Come in.”
         They followed me into the living room and sat. Katie came out of the bathroom and said she was leaving. When she was gone, I looked at my friends, who were staring at me like they had just seen a ghost.
         “Did we interrupt something?” Carl asked.
         “No,” I told him.
         “Court, how did that happen?” Ryan asked me. “I thought you were finished with her.”
         “Yeah,” I said. “So did I.”
         “Are you seeing her again?” Carl asked me.
         “I don’t really know,” I told him. “She came over and . . . it just happened.”
         “What happened?” Ryan asked and I looked at him, like he really had to ask that. Then he knew. “Oh.”
         “You did it with Katie?” Chris asked me.
         I nodded.
         “With Katie?” Carl said. “Yuck!”
         “I know,” I said. “I couldn’t help it. She was there and she was all over me, it just happened.”
         “I hope you were careful,” Amy told me. I stared at her for a long moment. “You did use protection, didn’t you?”
         I continued to stare at her.
         “You didn’t? Court!”
         “What is going on in here?” Sam asked, walking in the door.
         Nobody spoke.
         “Come on, Court. Don’t leave your big brother out in the cold.”
         I looked at Amy. “I just didn’t think about it, okay?”
         “There’s always time to think, Court,” she told me.
         “Do you love her?” Ryan asked me.
         I shook my head. “No.”
         “Please tell me you’re not talking about who I think you’re talking about,” Sam said.
         “Katie,” Carl said. “Court’s got something for her again.”
         “God helps us all,” Sam muttered.
         After Sam went back to work that night, I called Katie.
         Katie and I went out the next night. We went to dinner and a movie. Afterward, we went to a party at one of her friend’s. There was plenty of alcohol and they were passing marijuana around. I was not planning on drinking, but when they offered one to me, I didn’t turn it down. But when I finished the first one, I wanted more. It was the first time I had ever drank alcohol, so it did not take me long to feel it. Still, I continued to drink with them. I was beginning to relax and I was beginning to enjoy myself. Someone was passing a joint around. Ryan and Carl were there and Ryan passed it to me.
         “No, thanks, Man,” I told him.
         “Come on, Court. Just one hit,” he pleaded.
         “Go ahead, Baby,” Katie told me. “One hit isn’t going to kill you. You might even like it.”
         She was right. I did like it. I liked the way it made me feel and I wanted more. It went that way for weeks. I woke up in the morning and looked forward to getting high.
         One night, Sam confronted me. I had just gotten home from being with Katie and I was hungry. I had discovered that when you are high, you tend to eat a lot. I found a bag of potato chips and began to eat them when Sam came home. He walked into the kitchen, glanced at me and then went to the refrigerator and got himself a soda. He closed the refrigerator door and stood turned to face me. He had his nose in the air, sniffing, like a dog does when it smells something good.
         “Is that pot I smell?” Sam asked me. “Have you been smoking marijuana?”
         I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t know how to answer him. My silence gave me away.
         “You have, haven’t you?” he asked. “Court, I don’t think that’s a road on which you want to be.”
         “Sam,” I said. “Leave me alone, all right?”
         “No. I won’t, Court. You need to stop while you still can. The drugs and the alcohol. Court, that’s not you and you know it. Katie is ruining you.”
         “Sam . . . ”
         “Don’t you dare try to lie to me. I know what you are doing. This town has eyes and ears. They know everything. You need to stop before it kills you.”
         “Maybe that’s my destiny,” I told him. “Maybe I’m supposed to die and be in Heaven with Honey.”
         “That’s a copout, and you know it,” he told me. “I don’t think Honey would want you to end your life this way.”
         “Whatever,” I said.
         I went upstairs to my room and went to bed.
         Early the next morning, Ryan and Carl came bursting through the front door and into the family room, where Sam and I were watching television.
         “What is wrong with you two?” Sam asked them.
         “Court,” Ryan said, looking at me. “It’s Katie.”
         I looked at him. “What about her?”
         “She is dead,” Carl replied.
         My heart skipped a beat. “What? How?”
         “She overdosed at a party last night,” Ryan said. “We heard it was Ecstasy.”
         “Ecstasy?” Sam said. “How did she get hold of that around here?”
         Both Ryan and Carl shook their heads.
         “We don’t know,” Carl told him, and then he looked at me. “When we heard, we got scared and went looking for you.”
         “Are you all right?” Ryan asked, noticing that I suddenly became pale.
         “I . . . um . . . I’m okay. I just . . . ”
         Sam looked at me. “Now, will you listen to me?”
         Everything went black.
         When I came to, I was on our living room couch. I heard Sam and Ryan talking in the kitchen. I got up and walked into the kitchen. They became quiet and looked at me when I walked in. I looked at them for a moment.
         “I want to clean up,” I told them, “but I’m going to need help.”
         “We will be with you every step of the way,” Ryan promised.
         Later that day, I went to Honey’s grave. I knelt down in front of the tombstone.
         “Honey,” I began. “I miss you so much. I need you. It’s hard to move on without you. Everything I do, everywhere I look, makes me think of you. You will always be with me. No matter what happens.”
         When I stood up, there was a red rose on top of Honey’s tombstone. We were in the middle of January, but this rose was fresh. A smile crossed my face, because I knew that it was from Honey.
         “Thank you, Honey,” I said, aloud, and I reached out and picked it up.
         I went home and, placing it in a freezer bag, placed it in the freezer so that it wouldn’t die.