dating diaries (sweet poison)

Dating Diaries:
Sweet Poison

Have you ever found yourself in the position of a bystander as your head was at war with your heart?  I have. Every guy I have ever dated seemed to have one thing in common. Well alright, they had a few things in common, but one that stood out more than anything. Passion for whatever they pursued. If there was nothing more that I had liked about them, then that was it. It was what initially drove me to even consider them as a dating option. Not to say that they didn't look good, but they were no prince charming in appearance nor in their words, the same ones they could never manage to keep to.

Just when you think they're all the same, you meet someone that blows you away and makes you re-consider your opinion, only to re-instate it later. I haven't met one guy like that. I've met two (not within the same time period of course). I have to admit, it definitely wasn't their appearance that made me fall for them. They both had this unique way of looking at things in a different perspective that made you challenge your own perspective. And for once, consider that there just might be other ways of looking at the bigger picture. They showed me that life's lessons, although hard to deal with, and sometimes not so easy to understand, do make you stronger as a person and come out of the experience all the more wiser.  They opened my eyes to all the possibilities that life had to offer, even if I didn't quite get the message back then, looking back at the time I've spent with them, every moment, every conversation we've shared, I get it now.  It took quite some time to understand but it was a lesson learned.

I had a great time while things were going smooth between me and them but of course, that didn't last. I'd like to say that I was smart enough to sense the demise of either relationship coming while things were still good, so I could prepare for what came next, but I wasn't born a psychic.  There isn't a day I don't wish that things would have worked out differently, but in life you don't always get what you want.

I had some incredible times with both, some precious memories shared, but now that's all there is between me and them. After being in the company of several different guys, I have a bittersweet perspective when it comes to relationships. I find being closed-off and unaffectionate to be somewhat of a safe haven. I do not trust the way I used to, and I do not feel the need to be open or at least I knowingly make it seem that way. I do this to prevent yet another heart break, too bad it doesn't always work. I keep trying to seem strong and unaffected by the words I've been hearing lately from someone who began as a perfect stranger, someone I have met very few times in my life.  Even though he did not know me that well, he seemed to be able to put my story together like a puzzle. Oddly enough he made it feel like he understood why I am the way I am. So far he has been the only one (since those two guys) to break through the barriers I have so desperately tried to keep up.

This perfect stranger has made being distant and unaffectionate very difficult at times. As for trust, he seems to be winning that battle too. A part of me is thankful that I've met such a person, the other part fears falling for him.  He seems to be too good to be true, almost a sweet poison. I want to believe that he is not like those that I have in the past encountered and gave my heart away to. But in the same time I want to be realistic and not believe what seems to come out of the pages of a fairytale book. If there is one thing I have learned from my semi-short life it is that prince charming does not exist. We would all like to believe that there is someone for each of us out there. Someone who will teach us to stay strong when the odds are against us, someone who will be there to hold us when we are afraid, and someone who will show us the beauty that love can be. Idealistically things would work out perfect, like the pieces to a puzzle coming together nicely to form a breath-taking picture. Realistically however, I am determined to believe that things just don't work that way. I guess I challenge mankind to prove otherwise.

There is nothing more challenging than trying to keep yourself from something you know can hurt you, but at the same time is something that your heart desires with everything within you. This struggle between what my head is aware of, and what my heart wants to feel and wants to be real never seems to end. I do not want to be at the mercy of what my heart forever chooses to believe. I do not want to believe another fantasy to be anything but what it is. My head tells me to stay alert and not believe every word I hear. My heart wants to indulge in all I hear and believe every word to be true to the last drop. I don't have a sunshine liking to things that could sway my thoughts and even possibly prove me wrong, only to find that I was right all along.

Experience (and a little too much of it) has made me become cautious, but even caution is thrown out the window when circumstances seem to match my inner most desires. These two guys who have widened my horizons have taught me to set goals and aim to achieve them, and that I have done. I have set career goals, educational goals, and personal goals. In terms of relationships though, I have strayed from setting goals there.  I have the firm belief that they do not last forever anyway (a firm belief that has become shaken in the past several days). I fear what I am not sure of. Experience has taught me that blindly falling for someone is a foolish choice of judgement.

Even when I have tried to keep my hopes realistic and my inner most thoughts unknown this (at the time) perfect stranger has been able to see right through, as if I was an open book. He has told me things that would make anyone believe again in what they for so long have denied possible. Before meeting him I was so certain that I would never again make myself vulnerable to these beliefs, but life had a different plan in store for me. Sometimes I feel cheated by life because although it has taught me a lot, the events in my life have also been the source of what has made me so incredibly scared to welcome possibilities, if there was a chance that they could turn out to be something that would once again make me so closed off.

There are times that I resent this perfect stranger for taking me out of a place I feel safe in, a place that has for a long time been where I have gone when things got tough and for quite some time after things settled. There are other times that I really appreciate having someone listen and care. What makes it all the more confusing is the fact that I do not know how to hide how I feel from him. No matter how many times I remind myself of my past troubled relationships and the fact that this sweet guy could very well turn out to be just like the other guys that I have met, I still cannot close myself off from him. He seems to know what troubles me and somehow manages to sway my thoughts in the other direction.

Knowing there is still a chance that if I do fall for him I could once again risk heart break, I still find myself thinking maybe this time it will be different. My head tells me to watch my step; my heart tells me to let him in. Knowing how these things usually end, I am aware that there is a chance that I will once again find myself in the same circle of hopes and heartbreaks but at least I will know for sure. A chance lost once might as well be a chance lost for life.