El Antion Fantastique

El Antion Fantastique

Setting- Supermarket

A young cashier, Michael is at he till, serving an old couple with a large number of plastic carrier bags, whilst another member of staff is stacking cigarettes, his back all the while to the camera. Another young man is waiting in the queue, without a shopping basket.

Michael (to couple)- Thank you

Couple leave, and the customer approaches the till

Michael- Hi, sorry to keep you waiting

Customer- That's alright

Michael- What can I get you?

Customer- Can I get two bottle's of the brandy that's on offer.

Michael turns around and grabs two bottles of brandy, scans them and packs them into a carrier bag. He presses a button on the till to total up the amount.

Michael- That's twenty two pound

Customer takes his wallet from his pocket, opens it up, and looks inside. He then pulls out a fifty pound note out of his wallet, and hovers it above his wallet.

Customer- I've only got a fifty, will that be okay?

Michael- That should be fine

Customer hands the note to the cashier

Michael- Just have to get my supervisor to check it. Tony?

The member of staff stacking the cigarettes stops, and turns to face the cashier. He is middle aged, wearing the same uniform as Michael, except for a glittery bow tie, and fake cravat. On his face is a pencil thin, handle bar goatee. He speaks in a thick, forced Transylvanian accent, and gesticulates with grandeur as he speaks.

Tony- It s not Tony, my boy, it is El Antoin Fantastique, the greatest sorcerer this side of Kettering.

Michael- Fine, whatever,  could you check this note for me?

Tony- But of course

Michael hands Tony the note, and Tony holds it up to the light.

Customer- Hey, I remember you, my kids used to watch your show all the time- sorry to hear about, you know...

Tony lowers the note, looking reflective and gloomy at the floor

Tony- Madame Cassandra...yes...-

Tony's head jerks upwards, his face bright, his eyes alight, brimming with keen

Tony- Let me show you a trick

Customer- No-I-

Tony- Watch-

Tony brandishes the note, holding it in both hands together, quickly, and pulls them apart dramatically, showing his bare palms to the customer.

Tony- Ah!

Tony reaches out behind Michael's ear, who recoils awkwardly as he does so, and pulls out the folded fifty

Customer- Very good-now-

Tony- You are not impressed? I shall show you another!

Customer- No really- I've got a taxi outside on the meter.

Tony- Watch-

Tony pushes the rolled up note in his right ear, pulls it out of his right nostril, up his right nostril, out of his mouth, and then in his left ear and out of his right.

Tony- Yes? No, you didn't like it-

Customer- Can I have my change now?

Michael- Yeah, c'mon Tone

Tony- One more

Customer- No

Tony- (more assertively) One more

Customer- Fine

Tony once again brandishes the note, and claps his hands together, pauses dramatically, and throws them into the air dramatically
Tony- Shaz-ah!

A dove flies from Tony's hands into the air, but then the sound of a chop, a muffled squark, and the all three characters are showered in blood and feathers, a brief pause, and the bird's body, with only a few feathers left on thuds dully on the counter.

Tony stares at the bird, and then back up at the ceiling. The customer stares at the blood and feather stained top, and lunges forward, trying  to grab Tony.

Customer- Come here-

Michael stops  the customer, opens up the till and grabs £60 in twenty pound notes

Michael- Here-

Michael thrusts the money into the Customer's hand. He looks at the Customer in the eyes, pleadingly

Michael- I'm so sorry-

The Customer snatches the money from the customer, and storms out towards the door

Exit Customer

Michael- You freak! I'm going to get Sandra- I can't believe you carry a bird around with you!

Michael pushes past Tony, who is still catatonic, staring at the bird's body.

Michael- I don't get paid enough for this

Exit Michael

The sound of a sheep 'Baa'ing

Tony pulls on the neck of his t-shirt, and looks down his top

Tony- Shhh, not now