TSA rant

Bob emerged nervously from the airplane’s toilet. Under his sweatshirt he carried a forbidden bundle in a regulation one-quart plastic bag. A mere five minutes earlier, the bag had contained only approved products; in this case, forty-eight mini tubes of tooth paste, none larger than three ounces.

Bob had spent the last few minutes squeezing out the contents into the bag. He was now in possession of the TSA’s worse nightmare; a one pound bag of toothpaste!

Bob made it back to his seat. Picking up the air-phone in the seat arm, he dialed a number that he had written on a scrap of paper the day before.

“Hello. Department of Homeland Security can you please hold.”

Damn! Elevator music…his plan was being foiled before he had even made any demands. These guys were pros.

Suddenly a mechanical sounding voice came on and said, “How can I help you? Please select from the following options. If you want to join the ranks of the three million TSA agents in the greater Little Rock area, please say “You bet your sweet bippy I do.” If you want to report a parent or close friend for a threatening act such as leaving their garbage can at the curb for more than two days, please say “I never did like them anyway.” If you...,” Bob cleared his throat nervously.

Suddenly he hears “you have chosen to report a neighbor. Let me connect you to the first available agent.”

Bob quickly hung up. This was not going well. He dialed again. This time he kept his hand over the phone receiver to prevent the odd noise from directing his call to the wrong place. After several minutes of options, he heard, "If you want to speak to the head of Homeland Security, please say “Campaign donation.”"

“Campaign donation,” Bob whispered into the phone.

After a few moments, “Bernie here. How can I help you?”

“Excuse me sir, do you have a few minutes?”

“Hell yes! I just made a great chip shot so I will be putting last.”

“Well sir. I just wanted you to know that I think you are wasting time and money by being extraordinarily inefficient when it comes to airport security. It all seems to be fluff; a lot of show, wasted time and expense. I feel like I am showing respect to the terrorist every time I go through your ridiculous process.”

“Listen son, it’s not about fighting terrorists. It’s about the appearance of fighting terrorists. Here in D.C. we have a term for this. It’s called ‘vote getting.’”

Suddenly there was some commotion on the other end of the line.

A new voice came on “To whom am I talking?”

“Bob”

“Bob. You need to know that the chief was speaking a little out of line just now. He always drinks a little too much on the golf course. If you repeat anything that he just said, I will put all Bobs everywhere on the list of suspected terrorists. Am I making myself clear?”

“Listen fella,” Bob was ready to make his move, “I have a one pound bag of toothpaste with extra whitening power and I am not afraid to use it.”

“Oh my God!” came through from the other side.

“I am glad I finally have your attention,” said Bob.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t hear what you said. The Chief just made a twenty foot downhill putt. It was amazing. Especially considering the amount he has had to drink this morning.”

“I said, ‘I have toothpaste.’ I will start brushing my teeth right away if my demands are not met.”

“Toothpaste? You have got to be kidding me. It will take more than toothpaste to get the attention of Homeland Security. Wouldn’t you rather report a neighbor or colleague from work?”

These guys were good; trained professionals for sure. Bob decided to bluff.

“I have an accomplice with me. He brought on a bag of deodorant plus an extra one stuck in his sock. You won’t be able to stop him. He will smell extra zesty if you don’t’ give in.”

“An extra one in his sock? How did he manage to get that through our hoards of high school graduates…er….I mean our TSA agents?”

Bob smiled. He had them now. He pressed on.

"My third accomplice was actually able to bring on two baggies full of skin lotion. She simply put one bag in a different tray. She is ready to start passing out free samples. All I have to do is give the word and everyone on the plane will have younger looking skin."

"Okay, calm down! What exactly is it that you want?"

"I want Homeland Security to get its head out of its ass.....I'm just saying."

"Let me check with the chief."

There was a brief pause. Bob thought he heard a splash.

"Look Bob, can I get back to you? We have a bit of a situation right now."

"No! I need an answer right now. I have an Oral B with me. Things are going to get nasty."

"Well give me a minute. I have to help the chief. He accidentally fell into a water hazard."

The phone is quiet for a few minutes. The aide comes back on, "Bob, are you still there?"

"I am here."

"The chief says 'no can do' so it looks like you have a decision to make. What's it going to be?"

Bob thought for a minute. He was beaten. He slumped back into his extra comfortable economy class seat; a beaten man. Suddenly, a look of grim determination crossed his face.

Sitting up straight, he spoke into the phone, "Tell the chief I gotta go now. I have some brushing to do."

Bob thought he heard some screaming from other end of the line as he hung up. Slowly, he dipped his Oral B into the bag. It was time to get to work.

word count 993


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