War, Humpf, What is it Good For?

War, Humpf, What is it Good For?

P.J. Mckay

The president of the country had a poker party one night. The richest and most powerful men in the land came to play and socialize. The seven of them played poker, told dirty jokes, and had a good time for a couple hours. It was decided they needed a break so they all stood up for a stretch. They made themselves some cold meat sandwiches, used the bathroom, made a couple phone calls, (mostly to their mistresses) and made their way back to the table.

As they were sitting around Stu said “Before we go back to play, I would like to have a little talk”. They all quieted. “Now that we got you elected George, I think its time we get our rewards”. President George said “Well we are all making tons of money, Stu. You with the government contract for all those snighoffers, Billy with his crenstoppers, Herman and I with the hippelcrimpers, and all the rest of you are doing the same. But If you have some ideas lets have ‘em”.

“I agree we are making lots of money, but you won’t be president for long, and we ought to take advantage of our situation. What we need is for the government to buy more of our products. What’s the best way to get the government to buy more? The country has to need more. We need a war”.

All seven men agreed this was a great idea and they were all getting very excited when Zig asked “Who will we go to war with?”

Stu calmed them all down and told them his plan. He told them he was not sure with who they would go to war with yet but he thought it should be one of the countries to the south because they had such a different religion, and they had lots of oiiderwant which is something they wanted and knew they could make a lot of money on. And their relationship with the countries to the south were never very good anyway. He pointed out that who they went to war with was not as important as why they were going to war. “We need a good excuse” Stu concluded.

“I suggest we all put our best people on it and meet again in a month. And don’t be afraid to be creative.” He said.

So it was agreed and they all went back to playing cards.

A couple of weeks after the card game something happened that put the country in an uproar. The president met with his military heads to find out what happened and what he should do about it.

At the meeting the president learned that a house had fallen from the sky and had killed someone over in Munchkin land, That is was a giant girl and her dog in the house who said she was from Kansas and had made her escape to the Emerald City.

The president order all kinds of investigations, wanted all intelligence centered to the countries to the South, ordered the military to ready at code red. He gave everybody something to do and stressed they work around the clock.

Mr. president then had a press conference assuring the people he was on top of the situation and would decide on a course of action in short order.

Once George had some of the reports and intelligence coming in he called a meeting of all the poker players. It was a secret meeting and no one else will probably ever know what was discussed.

George met with his public relations people and his speech writers, and then scheduled a press conference to inform the country what was happening.

It was a very good speech and he delivered it pretty well, it got every one excited just like it was designed to do. He said he had evidence that the house that fell from the sky was a weapon sent to destroy the leaders of Munchkin land and that he would declare war on Sappnsortak to the south.

After the speech the press had lots of questions, the first being how did he know it was Sappnsortak that had launched the attack? George crossed his fingers behind his back and began answering their question. “Well the girl in the house had told the people in Munchkin land that she was from Kansas. If you turn it backwards and add a pp, turn around the s and n add the ort and you get Sappnsortak. It was a very clever code.” he added. “Those people are ruthless.” The next question had to do with who was killed in the attack. “The Munchkins say it was a wicked witch that was killed and that they were glad to be rid of her.” said one reporter. George with his fingers crossed answered, “It was a mistake, because the wicked witch was so tall the Sappnsortakites thought she was the leader, that’s why she was killed. Once they realize their mistake they will send more of these deadly weapons. We can‘t wait for that to happen, we must attack now.”

Another reporter said, “But the girl was helped by Glinda, and we all know she is a good witch who would never help in an attack of Munchkin land.” The president showed a report that showed without a doubt that Glinda had been tortured and forced into helping the girl named Dorothy, and her little dog too.

“Didn’t Dorothy leave for the Emerald City?” George assured them that this was just a trick to get them to attack their allies in the Emerald City, but all the evidence without a doubt pointed to Sappnsortak.

The next asked the president how long the war would last? George put his other hand behind his back and crossed his fingers on it too and said “I can not be too specific in things like this, sometimes things go smooth and sometimes there were minor problems. We are talking weeks here people, without complications, weeks.