This aint no Camelot!

    The bowels of the earth would serve an understatement that poorly describes my wretch living nightmare!
    A hovel stands leagues and shoulders more glorious than this crumbling carapace of a dwelling!
    In vain, I extend these wiry arms out in supplication for salvation from some divine force of nature or an anonymous philanthropist!
    This family of four seems besieged and hounded by one accursed unfortunate event after another, which give the distinct impression of a rightwing conspiracy.
    Okay, one fore instance will be presented to prove this point!
    The foul smelling detritus from offal swamped the basement of this single-family house for what seemed like an eternity! Unsure when putrid water first began to pool within the belly of the cellar!
    Also unclear (until a local roto-rooter plumber hit upon the mother lode of one monster clog) why drainage from most of the sinks bubbled and frothed with this fetid stink amassing down where the late William Zison kept shop!
    Countless months (perhaps best ratcheted into years) elapsed whereby every time the spouse (Abby) operated the dishwasher or washing machine yielded sediment encrusted cups, plates, utensils, et cetera and full catch basins respectively!
    Said dilemma became more pronounced when oodles of puddles (for plenty of fish to splash) announced their surprise arrival with that emblematic odor associated with the flotsam and jetsam of ocean borne entities scattered on the beach after high tide!
    Day after night times weeks multiplied by months precipitated internal tsunami waves of nauseous dread that ebbed and flowed with haunting specters of heinous hobgoblins intent on renting asunder the ability to remain calm as a worthy sea captain trying to be steadfast without the means to maintain an even keel without being unduly stern with his motley crew!
    The spotty smelly seepage (initially isolated to the floor area around this faux bar) suddenly seemed to manifest into a full blown crisis quite so many full moons ago before the impact registered to avoid turning a blind eye and wishing the calamity would miraculously cure itself!
    Akin to a damn bursting at the seams, the noticeable presence of some substantial volume of water triggered an alarm (albeit a bit delayed within the mind of this doubting Thomas) that intervention must be sought in the actual corporeal essence of one keen to remedy this (our very own) Lake woebegone!
    This ever expanding black lagoon (which increased size seemed to materialize from thin air) began to conjure up images of frightful beasts from within my over active imagination!
    When the clamor and din to eradicate this gross morass of nasty slop could no longer be silenced, I finally relented and called upon a known trust worthy handy man.
    Upon exhausting his arsenal of trouble-shooting skills and getting elbow deep within the mire and muck of septic effluvia, Hank strongly suggested I contact a bona fide respectable vicar of the trade!
    Thence the reason yours truly paged thru the telephone directory to locate the nearest practitioner of domestic (in our case malfunctioning) waterworks.
    Tim (representing the aforementioned familiar company) brought the analogous reflection to mind that he resembled the mocha color of noxious percolating and revolting trickling vulgar water sloshing across the downstairs tiles!
    No doubt eucaryotes and prokaryotes (along with hints of algae, plankton, unicellular organisms et cetera) did their darnedest to get a toehold in this murky gooey glop and presaged the close approximation as ideal primordial duck soup per setting the stage for the evolution of life to take shape!
    Matter of fact, I can attest and swear with an oath of absolute honesty (vis a vis with a stack of tombs from every religious stripe), that movement wholeheartedly perceived within the ankle deep gurgling rivulets that lapped along the darkest corners and lowest points in this unwanted vile yuck!
    These surreal unpleasant visitations upon mine eyes seemed to crop up when scooping and/or suctioning the thick viscous wretched sludge into the umpteenth bucket.
    After regaining composure from a bout of feeling on the verge of blacking out from the ole factory crippling and god awful odor, a hologram like illusion appeared with all the trappings of some slimy queasy pasty faced animal with an axe to grind!
    Rather than continue to subject this vulnerable visionary to the vicissitudes of venom (no matter that said spume sprang from the catacombs of thyself), I (as iterated earlier) called upon the expert service to rid this house of this pernicious, nefarious and atrocious backflow encroachment!
    The jumbo size auger like device gouged thru a segment of underground pipe and emulated some breathing living creature by chomping and spitting out (kind of like a bore shaped steel snake) the cumulative material in the form of tree roots plus various and sundry human waste products!
      Shouts of eureka punctuated the suspense when the blockage or obstruction allowed, enabled and provided free and easy egress for the used water to pass undeterred from the underground conduit section (thankfully made of some durable substance) thence out into the headwaters of the septic tank!
    Thus issued unequivocal and near delirious bursts of giddy delight that clogged sinks would (in no uncertain terms) be a pain in the drain unless we ended up living in this difficult to maintain domicile for an additional number of decades!
    That thought invites that such a notion would rank as a worse fate than death!
    Now, the aftermath must be added into the mix as I try to continue to cue the beat of this story with the remediation of a soggy bottom as pertains (if given prosaic license to anthropomorphize this innocent abode) likened to the anatomy of this regular wanting to trade places with you joe!
    Earlier today witnessed the appearance of a claims adjuster who expedited the arrival of skilled technicians!
    The latter began the painstaking protracted process to tear out the moldy rotten paneling in conjunction with setting in place an industrial size dehumidifier (with a hepa-filter to boot) that seems like music to my antlers!
    Total cost will not require us to fork over one buck! Homeowners insurance thankfully picks up the tab! Craftsmen receive payment spoon as the job completed.