Holding On

I was 12 when i watched my father walk out of home, he packed up all his belongings and left, later that night i heard my mother through the wall crying somehow i couldn't help think that it was my fault he had left. The weeks leading up to his departure they had started to argue, i remember sitting in my room at night and listening to them scream at each other throwing insults back and forth at each other until one fell silent and then the next day they would act as if it hadn't happened at all, i would pretend that i hadn't heard them and that i was happy but deep inside i was hurting, the words they would use would swim around my head grasping at my emotions and tearing them apart into small fragments of my memories that would be stuck there for as long as i lived.
 
My fathers departure caused my mother to become more or less difficult to live with she turned towards alcohol substances as a comfort to the pain she was feeling and in hopes of drowning out the emotions she would intoxicate her self on a regular basis, it wasn't until her attempted suicide that i was taken away from her and put in to the care of a foster family who's cheery smile and loving ways were almost to much of a reminder of what i once had. I had to escape i had to get away and i did, but not for long i was caught and placed into another family the very same day. By the time i had turned 16 i had been moved from foster family to foster family only staying for a month or two before being moved again.and evrytime i remembered telling my self ok this time it will be different i promise, but each time a broken promise
 
 
"You know Christina, out of all the children i have driven to new foster homes you alone have made my petrol tank consume the most, what is this the 19th foster home you've had since you were bought in?" Lisas calm voice interrupted my thoughts"17th i corrected her 18 if you include the Bettres but i wouldn't really count them considering they only had me for 10 minutes." i said with a satisfied smile...
The Bettres to date were my shortest foster family, they had taken one look at me with my ripped jeans and band tee and marched me right out the door again claiming that my satanic music would corrupt the minds of their children.
"Just try not to mess this one up Chris" Lisa's voice pleaded "if you screw this one up they're thinking of sending you to a military school not to mention your putting my name on the line everytime you get kicked out of a family"i'll be out of a job by Christmas if you keep doing what you do"
"And what is it exactly that i do" i snaped "it's not my fault they can't accept me for who i am, everytime i arrive at a familys house it's the same old thing,We want to help you to settle in, we want you to become a member of our family, you can trust us We will accept you and then everytime i step one toe out of line or someting bad happens its pack your bags and go we can't help you, we tried they never want to hear my side of the story so don't you start lecturing me on 'doing what i do' because the only thing im capable of doing is fadeing in and out of their lives"
 
The next five minutes were completly silent it was then i relised that my anger was not ment for her but a self defence reaction i had picked up on my travels, i felt a pang of guilt inside and was about to apoligise when she said "You no your not the only child who has grown up with these types of probablems there are lot's of children out there that we pick up everyday, some with bruises others broken bones or some who watched there father bash there mother everyday because of something so small you would think it would not matter, so before you start thinking the world is being unfair to you atleast have the decency to think of someone other then your self.."
I looked at Lisa and the guilt i had felt for her before vanished and was replaced with anger yet again.

Ever since i could remember people had always been telling me what they thought was right for me or what i should do never once wanting to hear my opinions in it and at times i would get so fraustrated with not only them but myself as well, the presure to be who they wanted me to be and to do what they wanted me to do would make me feel not only used but stupid aswell, it was as if i couldn't think for my self, "Do this and your aloud to do that""do that and you'll be kicked out because of this" it was like no one thought i could handel doing what made me feel good and at the moment as i sat in the car with Lisa i could feel all of those pains returning yet again
 
The rest of the drive was silent, both of us angry at one another yet neither one speaking or making out like we wanted to say sorry for what had happened, Just us and the silence, that cold heated silence which embraced us taking hold of every breath then letting it out again like so many i had felt before.
 
"And this is where you will be sleeping Christina" Said Lucy my new temporary foster mother opening the door "I hope it's everything you need" she said warmly I looked in, it had everything i had at the last foster homes a bed, dutchess, draws, mirror it even had a tv which i guessed was pretty cool "Johns sorry he couldn't be here to welcome you Christina but something came up and he had to pop out to the office, hes manager for the local computer factory you see" she said turning to Lisa "ahh its ok i'm sure Christina will be just as egar to see him as he is to meet her when he gets home" Lisas eyes stared at me and flashed a Dont you dare say something smart back look at me, Smirking I Replyed "oh joy i can't wait" Lucy looked at me "Oh i can tell were just gonna be the best of friends" She Laughed as She pulled me into what was suppose to be a motherly hug in which i was quick to  pull my self free.
"Can i please be left to unpack" I asked and with out waiting for a response i walked into the room and flung my bag onto the bed and turned my back towards them.
Hearing them walk away i looked up and around the room it was warm and cosy and has that feeling of family,love and care in it but to me it was fake just like all the others i had stayed in before.

"Be nice to them" Lisa muttered to me as i said goodbye to her "try not to be mean they're a nice family and you don't want to hurt them okay" I stared back into her eyes and smiled "only if they're nice to me" i said and with that i walked off leaving Lisa Fuming behind me.

Lucy and John Cambell had a pretty decent house they lived far away from other houses and the closest house or neighbour was atleast a good ten minute drive there was no people out here at all, it was like i was trapped in a only me world