Words unsaid

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…

I’ve never liked funerals. Pointless, selfish. But this wasn’t about me; this was about you, and your need to mourn. Personally, I felt nothing for the corpse in the box. He was someone I couldn’t look at, without a sentiment of disgust. The crowd clustered around the gaping hole in the earth, black crows for the feast. The wind stirred the trees.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.  He leadeth me beside the still waters…

Standing beside you as tears ran freely down your cheeks. You looked beautiful. I wanted nothing more than to take you in my arms. To hold you till the sorrow washed over us both, consuming. I could not cry. The priest said things I could not relate to, about a man I did not recognise. Stray petals tumbled away. I wished I could follow.

He restoreth my soul…

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. The body was lowered into the earth. A rose for love, a rose for death. The thud of the coffin on the earth resounded in my head. As you turned to leave, I called to you. You faltered, but would not face me. The world misted over as tears filled my eyes, they did not fall. You were walking away and I could not follow. You stood as the flock turned to leave. They muttered their sympathies, while I requested forgiveness. Time bled together; I don’t now how long I stood there, looking at that grave. The body in that hole confessed everything I had ever hid from you…my lies laid bare for the world to see.


He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake…

Night fell; florescent lights replaced the blush of the sun. I wandered the empty streets, trying to find my way home. The lights did not guide me. Nor set me free. Alone, I was left with nothing but memories. Lights flickered, shadows chased ahead. They looked darker than I remembered. The people I passed, glazed eyes, nameless faces did not glance my way. I a phantom, passed through the night.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me…

My hands moved to caress my skin. Pockmarks gouged deeper than remembered. My need carved into flesh. The memory flirted across my mind, my heart fluttered… Liquid pleasure flared though my veins. I had never felt so alive. Angel Dust and Blue Devils ran through my head. I lusted for more. Mary Jane became my desire and the world became false…I blinked the night back into focus. With bare hands I wanted to scratch and tear in an attempt to make myself feel. To mask my guilt.

Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me…

Day subdued the night. Bringing no warmth. My world was cold; my existence became a twisted perversion of life. Days blurred into nights. All I could remember was my craving. My veins ached for China-White and Heaven. I became delirious from the lack. My body a constant reminder of the elixir that once pumped as blood through my veins. The world spiralled into a paradox of reality. I lost all sense of self.


Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies…

I walked for days, figures blurred passed. None caught my attention, until. Dark eyes stared back, blazing with wrath and barren emotions. I was staring at demons. To find we had the same eyes. I paled, my reflection did the same. What had my life become? Hands rose to touch gaunt features. I hardly recognised the man facing me. My heart leapt, repulsed by the image that had burned itself into my mind, I fled. Scenery passed by in a haze. I ran my body ragged. Still I pressed on. Running till I thought my lungs would tear. My body burnt with the strain. Only when I lost my footing and stumbled to the ground, did I stop. My mind screamed for me to run. My wasted body would not obey. I lay there. Face in the dirt. Hot tears burnt down my cheeks. Bringing no release. I screamed my anguish to the sky. The sound ripped from my throat, until raked and raw, I fell silent. The night swirled around me. Stars blazed overhead. My heart was chilled into a selfish prayer for light. 

Thou anointest my head with oil, my cup runneth over…

My body shuddered. The air felt cool against my skin. Rain fell but did not stir me. My world coiled down into darkness. Silence pressed in on me. As the air thinned, I gasped and spluttered, a crumpled wreck…I awoke to the sound. It thrummed all around me. A heartbeat thumping in my chest, it was deep, old. It was life. But not mine. Squinting in the light. The world tilted itself right, as I stumbled to my feet. My mind racing. I knew what I wanted, what I needed. I raised my head; my eyes clear for the first time. I did not want sleep or food, I did not need Devils or Angels. You were my sustenance, my water, and my bread.


Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life…

I found you the following night, beside the stone marked by my name. You stood tall, head bowed, tears glided and found their way to your mouth. Your dark hair caressing your shoulders. I was envious. You whispered words I did not hear, your lips had entranced me. It seemed an age since I had seen you. The thought alone sent me to my knees. I wanted to tell you how much I loved you. I wanted to tell you how sorry I was. I wanted to say that without you I would disappear. When you turned to leave, I followed. I shouted to you, screamed till my throat burned. You did not turn, you never faltered. I whispered your name. You stopped. You spun around so fast, your hair flared out, your dark eyes searching. I reached out, my hand brushing yours. You shivered.

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever…

Gazing into your eyes. You looked right through me. Your broken heart, the damage new and old, was mine. Wishing I had realised. Wishing I had taken the time. You were so precious. I chose wrong. I should have told you every day that you were perfect, because you were perfect every day. You were my love. It was always you.
And you will never know.

Amen.