No ratings.
just thoughts on compassion, or lack there of |
compassion something i dont have much of i wish i did, but i just dont i want to figure out why so im going to try im going to sound like a psycologist for a minute as a child, i was normal when things upset me, i cried or reacted in a normal way i had only one death of a loved one as a child, so i never really had any great loss as a young adult, my parents divorced. the downfall my mother left...she left me....alone in the big house with my father and brother i ran, to school, to friends, to a new boyfriend during this time, i was ignoring the facts my family was dying parents parted my brother, he was in a world of drugs and alcohol, and had been for a long time, i was too naive to notice the ex boyfriend was involved with it too, i still cared, the wounds from our soured relationship were still fresh... my dog was put to sleep because no one could take her but the humaine society did, and she growled and they murdered her. torn apart i should have been the worst part out of all of that was the death of my dog i still cry about her to this day that was the only thing i was upset about i decided that my parents were adults, and i shoved my anger deep under that excuse i decided my brother would get better, and he did, but i still shoved it under that title since then, ive grown up im fine, i see my parents are fine brother is fine things are fine i have a job people come there to die imagine that, picking the place where you will spend the rest of your days i go there every day i know people are sick, dying or already dead, maybe not physically it doesnt bother me in the least from the second i see one of them i am instantly pissed i say the word hate at least 10x an hour there i dont hate my job, not even the people, but i hate the things they want i hate the way they breathe i hate the way they stare i hate the way this one chews her tounge im crazy!! but maybe i say hate so much, so i can shove the would be feeling under that so i wont have to feel so i wont have to comfort them so i wont have to lose them i wish so much i could be moved by these people love them care for them i wish i could just refil my compassion perscription along with my birth control im so tough but i am beginning to realize that, with all of this hiding and tough exterior i pay a huge price im keeping myself from being human i just wish i could love them so i can love others feel a little bit for them so i can feel a little bit for myself so i can remember what its like to love so i can be loved and care for another as i should be cared for so i am not turned off emotionally im single and i wonder why i wont let anyone in because i forgot how to care i forgot how to love and be loved i wish it would come back i dont know how to make it or gain it back ive been hurt, mistreated, and i do the same to others i think i do it first so they dont do it to me defense mechinism? bad choice is a better way to describe that one what can i do to help myself? church? medication? group therapy? i dont know how to knock down the walls i took so much careful time to build i can not be touched im afraid that one day something big will happen i will lose something so big, my parents, my grandmother and i will lose it, my walls will go crashing down, and they will fly right back up as soon as i can let them, and they will NEVER come back down, no one will be able to gain access and i will be alone alone and crazy i dont want to let it get to that point i want to let it happen at my own pace comfortable but at least let it happen ill never find love ill never find peace ill never find compassion but where do i start? |