Pope Wars Parts 1-7

The year is 3000 and a new Pope has been elected and has ordered a Holy War against all Non-Catholic Religon's. It is the day before the war begins.
(We see a room with stone walls and a stone floor with two straw mats on the floor in the middle of room is Brandon Wilson praying.)
Brandon: Hail Mary full of grace...
(Suddenly Ryan Todd bursts through the door loses his balence and falls onto the floor with a thud.)
Brandon: Ryan have you forgotten that making noise is #150 of the list of sins you better go to confession so you don't go to Hell.
Ryan: (Gets off the floor)I'm tired of praying and going to conffessions. Brandon we go off to war tomorrow and most likey we will die shouldn't we go out and have some fun before we die?
Brandon: Ryan you know that having fun is the WORST SIN OF ALL, AND GOD WILL SEND US TO HELL IF WE HAVE FUN!
Ryan: Brandon a long time ago my Mom told me if you do something bad and you feel bad about doing it God will forgive you so as long as we feel bad about haveing fun God will forgive us.
Brandon: Well I do remember reading that in the Bible so it must be true....Okay lets go have some fun.
(Brandon & Ryan leave the room and we cut to the entrance of Vatican City we see a man in a black trench coat and a black cowboy hat entering the city and passing a Vatican Guard.)
Vatican Guard: Sir I need to see your godly I.D. before I can let you go any further.
(The man in black quickly pulls out a dagger from underneath his trench coat and thrusts it into the guards skull killing the guard.)
Man in black: There's my I.D. Motherfucker!(He retrives his dagger from the guards skull and opens his trench coat to reveal several dozen weapons and he puts the dagger away and closes his trench coat and walks away.)
(Cut to a neon sign that reads "Forsaken Fathers" With Brandon & Ryan standing outside the door.)
Brandon: I don't know Ryan being gay is the 2nd worst sin of all.
Ryan: Holy Shittanniy Brandon we said we were going to have fun tonight and we are and besides we went to "Frosaken Nuns" before this and that didn't turn either of us on so I'm guessing we're gay so lets go in.
Brandon: I guess you're right and as long as we're sorry for being gay God will forgive us.
(Brandon & Ryan go through the door and emerge in a large room with a large stage in the back with a bar right in front of it on the stage are three male strippers ones dressed up as a alter boy the second one is dressed up as a Bishop and the last one is dressed up as a Cardinal.)
Brandon&Ryan: (With happy faces)THIS IS HEAVEN!
(Brandon & Ryan sit down in front of the guy dressed as a Cardinal and order some beers.)
Twenty beers and two hours later.
Brandon: Ryan I'm haveing so much fun I'm glad you talked me into this.
Ryan: Brandon when I'm with you I don't feel guilty that my Mom killed herself because she got tired of taking care of me.
50 beers, 2 Shirly Temples and 3 hours later.
Brandon: (Extremly drunk) Ryan I have something to tell you.........I LOVE YOU RYAN!
Ryan: (Extremly drunk) I LOVE YOU TOO BRANDON...I WANT YOU TO MAKE ME A MAN!
(Ryan & Brandon begin to kiss when suddenly the screen turns black and a voice is heard.)
Me: Ha fooled you! Did you really think I would write a gay sex scene that is sick and wrong even to my sick an twisted mind!....Now back to the story.
( The screen fades back into the strip club Brandon & Ryan can't be seen but can be heard making grunting noise's and the strippers are all stareing in amazement at the spot where Brandon & Ryan were sitting awile ago when suddenly the door bursts open and a dozen Vatican Guards enter the room.)
Guard: In the name of his holiness the Pope you are all under arrest...(Hears the grunting sounds) What the heck is that noise?
(The strippers and the bartender both point to where Brandon & Ryan were sitting the Guard then orders two of his men to check it out once the two guards get there they pass out from what they saw. The screen goes black.)
(The screen fades into a prison with Brandon & Ryan in a cell with the strippers who are only wearing thongs.)
Ryan: Brandon I'm sorry I got you in to this I guess my Mom was right when she said I should kill myself.
Brandon: It's okay Ryan so what if we're going to die at least we have each other.
(A guard opens the cell door.)
Guard: It's time to die for your sins you homos!
END of PART ONE!   
(The Guard leads Brandon & Ryan through a door and emerges outside in front of a large crowd and high above on a balcony is the Pope!)

Pope: Brandon Wilson & Ryan Todd you have been found guilty for the following sins!

(A guy standing next to the Pope unrolls a scroll and begins to read.)

Guy: Making noise, having fun, going to a strip club, going to a gay strip club, drinking, looking at male strippers, getting drunk, and being GAY!(Rolls up scroll)

Pope: You're sentence for committing these sins is death, but your work in my army hasn't gone unnoticed so I will give you an honorable death both of you shall be…..crucified!

(Two groups of Guards come out of the door Brandon & Ryan came from each group carrying a large wooden cross.)

Brandon & Ryan: Holy Shiannity!

(Cut to a shot of the crowd and in the middle of the crowd stands the Man in Black who begins to make his way out of the crowd.)

Pope: Let the execution begin!

(The Guards grab Brandon & Ryan and stairs appear before each cross. Brandon & Ryan are separated and led up the stairs and at the top of each set of stairs is a man in black gown with a hammer and several sharp spikes!)

Ryan: (scared) I want my Mommy! (Begins to cry.)

Brandon: (scared) What about my heart condition!

(Brandon & Ryan reach the top of their stairs and get put in position and the men in the black gowns begin to hammer the spikes through their hands and legs while Brandon & Ryan just hang there weeping softly until the hammering stops and the men in black gowns step aside to show the crowd the half dead bodies of Brandon & Ryan!)

Pope: This day shall be a reminder to all who sin and do not let God into their hearts!

Man in Black: You sick MOTHERFUCKER!

(The Man in Black suddenly jumps out of the side of the crowd pulls two handguns out of his trench coat and enters slow motion, but he is the only one in slow motion, and fires at two Vatican Guards who just stand there watching the slow moving bullet.)

Vatican Guard #1: Like dude like the bullets moving, all slow. (Begins to laugh like a stoner.)

Vatican Guard #2: Have you been smoking the holy weed again?

Vatican Guard #1: (stoner laugh) Yeah! (Pulls out a joint and smokes it.)

(The bullets finally reach the skulls of Vatican Guard #1 & #2 and slowly go through their skulls. The Man in Black returns to normal speed and lands on the ground and begins to unleash a hail of bullets at the remaining Guards.)

Pope: (Pissed) What in the name of his holiness is going on here!

(The Man in Black stops firing and all the Vatican Guards standing fall to the ground dead.)

Pope: (still pissed) Who are you and how dare you disturb this holy ritual!

(The Man in Black turns around while twirling his handguns on his fingers.)

Man in Black: Who am I! I have many names Fred, Sa-nicwah, Insensitive Jerk, but most people call me Zan and I have been sent to deliver you a message.

(Zan pulls out a letter and tosses it at the Guy with the scroll. Blades pop out of the sides of the letter and stab the Guy in the head.)

Zan: Now that the message has been delivered, I'll be on my way.

(A heavy Assault RV breaks through one of the near by walls.)

Voice from inside the RV: Zan get your lazy motherfucking ass in here we're leaving now.

Zan: And with that note, I bid you farewell.

(Zan gets in the RV and the RV drives away once they are gone the Pope pulls the letter out of the Guy's head and the blade's retract and the Pope opens the letter and reads it.)

Note: To the Pope,
We will not take kindly of you trying to force all non-Catholic and Christians to be come part of your religion America is based on many religions and if you step foot on American soil with the thought of converting everyone we will attack!
-Sincerely George W. Bush the 45th.

Pope: So America is threating us I guess they don't know that we already have men in America willing to give their lives for our cause! MUHAAAAAAAAAAAA…It's time to start my Holy War MUHAAAAAAA!

End of Part Two!

Pope Wars: Part Three

(We see the Heavy Assault RV running on an abandon road we zoom in on the front window until were inside the cockpit and we see a muscular middle age man named Bob yelling at Zan.)

Bob: (Yelling) Damn it Zan you were only supposed to deliver the message you werent supposed to kill anyone!

Zan: So I killed a few people so what they were only some gay Vatican Guards.

Bob: (Still yelling) you killed a few gay Vatican Guards and the Cardinal of Jamaica!

Zan: I dont remember killing him.

Bob: He was the guy you killed with the blades you put on the message!

Zan: I liked you better when you were on those Enzyte commercials.

Bob: Zan just follow orders next time all right now get out of my sight!

(Bob continues driving and Zan goes through a door leading into the kitchen and at the kitchen table sits a blond headed average size man wearing a pale green T-shirt and a pair of blue jeans covered in holes he is holding a piece of paper with numbers on it and a twenty sided dice.)

Zan: Hey Dice whats up?

Dice: (Rolls the dice, gets #5 he finds the #5 on the paper, and reads the sentence next to it.) Shut the fuck up bitch and suck my dick!

Zan: (Just stands there for a minute) Why dont you shut the fuck up and suck my dick!

Dice: (Rolls the dice and gets#10) Okay!

Zan: (Punches Dice in the face) Dice you need to realize that life is not a game of D&D.

Dice: (Rolls dice again and gets#15) I love you.

Zan: Thats nice (Yawns) Im going to take a nap.

Dice: (Rolls the dice and gets#9) Ill kill you!

(Cuts to a view of the front gate of Vatican City the massive gate begins to rise and a billion Vatican Soldiers come marching out of the city the Vatican Soldiers are all wearing pure white armor and pure white combat gear all of the soldiers are carrying swords that they have hold up in front of there faces while walking in a goosestep type march. In the middle of the marching soldiers is a pure white flatbed truck with choir group singing Christ Be Are Light)


Choir: Christ be are light shining bright through the darkness.

(The Vatican Soldiers suddenly stop and sheathe their swords and stand there silently the only things being heard is the Choirs singing after a while, 2 Min., we begin hear jet engines getting louder and louder each second until the jet engines are so loud that we cant hear the choir a large shadow appears in front of the soldiers and the soldiers look up, and see a pure white giant airship beginning to descend for a landing.)

Choir Member: (Pulls out a guitar and starts to play a Heavy Metal version of Christ be our Light) CHHHRRIIISSTT BE OUR LIGHT! (The driver of the flatbed truck pulls out a pistol and shoots the Choir Member in the head.) Aghhh!

(The Airship lands and a door opens and a platform appears below the front door and the Pope walks out the door onto the platform and guardrails appear around the platform.)

Pope: My fellow Catholics and Christians today we begin the first step towards destroying all the false gods of this world! For to long have they corrupted this planet, invading our schools and confusing our children on who is the real God. For to long have they belittle our beliefs and traditions, but no more! You have been chosen by God to destroy all that do not worship Him! Now go forth and destroy all who oppose God!

(Giant platforms descend from the bottom of the Airship hitting the ground with a BANG! The guardrail in front of the Pope retracts and stairs appear in front of the Pope who begins walking down them. While the Vatican Soldiers go on the large platforms and board the Airship.)

Pope: (Walking down the stairs) Let it begin! (Flips a concealed switch on his staff.)

(The Airship takes off, and the screen fades into outside of an American Church then the scene cuts into inside the Church we see a thousand well-armed men gathered around a T.V. screen with the Pope on the screen.)

Pope: (On T.V. screen) its time to begin!

                            END OF PART THREE!

Pope Wars: Part Four

(We see the White House and in front of is a massive group of people marching towards the front gate.)

Guard: Can I help you people?

Cultist: (Angry) you could kneel before your Lord!

Guard: Huh?

(The Cultist pulls out a shotgun and blows the Guards brains out.)

Cultist: Set the explosives.

(The other Cultists begin to set explosives around the gate.)

Cultist: FIRE IN THE HOLE! (The Cultist pushes the button on the detonator and the gate blows up.)

(We see the President George W. Bush 45th in the Oval Office looking confused about where the big BOOM came from when suddenly a Secret Service Agent comes rushing through the door.)

S.S Agent: Mr. President Terrorists have invaded the White House we have to get out of here Sir!

G.W. Bush 45TH: If Terrorists have invaded this symbol of freedom I will not runaway I will stand and fight you can runaway if you want you girlyman!

(Suddenly a sword stabs through the Secret Service Agents back and the tip of the sword appears on the other side through his chest. Then the sword is pulled out and the Secret Service Agent falls down dead and three Cultists appear.)

Cultist #1: (Points the sword at G.W. Bush 45Th) You have two choices Mr. President you could surrender and let the Pope control this Nation, or you can die along with thousands in the Holy War the choice is yours?

G.W. Bush 45Th: (Gets up from chair) I do not negotiate with Terrorists! (Rips off shirt reveling his huge muscles he then opens a drawer on his desk and pulls out a headband and puts it on.) I was trained by Cyber Chuck Norris!

Cultist #1: So you have chosen DEATH! (Cultist #1 rushes towards G.W. Bush 45Th with his sword held high and swings it in a downward thrust, but G.W. 45th stops it the blade with his middle finger!)

G.W. 45Th: Not today Terrorists! (G.W. 45Th grabs the tip of the sword and breaks it clear off.) CYBER CHUCK NORRIS KILLING TECHNICE #10! (G.W. 45Th roundhouse kicks Cultists #1 head off!) Take that Al-kaida!

(Cultist #2 & #3 pullout Sub-Machine Guns and begin to destroy the Oval Office in a hail of bullets G.W. 45Th quickly knocks over his desk and uses it as a shield.)

G.W. 45Th: (A stray bullet goes through the head of the eagle of the E Paris Unum, and G.W. 45Th begins to lose it.) Youve killed G.W. Jr.! (G.W. jumps out from behind the desk and starts doing dodging bullets with Matrix like acrobatics until he reaches Cultists #2. G.W. grabs Cultists #2 neck and snaps it.)

Cultist #3: Holy Mother of God!

(G.W. lunges towards Cultist #3, but stops when the sound of giant jet engines begins to appear.)

G.W. 45Th: (Grabs Cultists #3 neck and begins to squeeze it.) Whats that you Terrorist? (Squeezes neck harder)

Cultist #3: Its the Popes Holy Army they have come to turn this Nation into a Holy Nation

(G.W. crushes Cultist #3 windpipe and tosses the lifeless body into the corner of the room. We then go outside and watch the massive Airship flying over the city hatches on the underbelly of the ship open up releasing cross shaped capsules carrying Vatican Soldiers at the city.)

G.W. 45Th: I must speak to my Master. (G.W. pushes a button on his desk and a section of the floor opens up revealing a staircase G.W. walks down the staircase and the open section of the floor closes.)

(We go to a shot of one of the crossed shaped capsule with a crowd gathered around it when suddenly the front of the cross bursts open and a Vatican Soldier walks out wielding an AK-47 and begins firing on the helpless citizens of the city. Then we cut to the Heavy Assault R.V. then we go inside the R.V. and we see Zan sleeping on a bed when suddenly Bob comes rushing through the door.)

Bob: Zan wake up we got a new mission!

Zan: (Half-asleep) But Mommy I dont want to feed the Chickens Mommy they scare me!

Bob: (Punches Zan in the stomach) Wake up you worthless piece of shit!

Zan: (In pain) What did you do that for?

Bob: We got a new mission you lazy fucker.

Zan: Yeah I get to kill people!

                                              End of Part Four!   

Pope Wars Part Five

(The Scene begins in the briefing room and bob, Zan, and Dice sit at a round table)

Bob: Lets begin the briefing. (Bob presses a button on the table) Okay Betsy its time to begin the briefing.

(The lights of the room dim and a holographic version of a topless Pamela Anderson appears in the middle of the table)

Zan: Thats a real classy holographic body for our computers A.I. Bob.

Bob: Whats wrong with it Zan?

Zan: Its perverted and its disgusting because Pamela Anderson has been dead for 950 years!

Bob: Dice do you agree with what Zan is saying.

Dice: (Rolls dice and gets a #17) You sir are a Noob >

Bob: (Sits there silently glaring at Dice for a second) I hate you guys. (sighs) Lets just get on with the briefing.

Zan: Lets get started already!

Betsy: Gr33t1ng 3v3ry0n3 13ts 83gin th3 bri3f1ng.

Zan: We really need to buy a l33t decoder.

Bob: Why, we all understand l33t?

Zan: I know I just find l33t annoying.
Betsy: ../../3 |-|4v3 833n 3m9l0y3d 6y th3 |_|.S 4rmy.

Zan: Why would they hire us?

Bob: Because the Pope has, invaded Washington D.C. and they need help defeating the Popes Army.

Betsy: Th4t 1s c0rr3ct 0|_|r j0b 1s t0 5t0p th3 P093s 4rmy fr0m Inv4ding th3 r35t of th3 |_|n1ted 5t4t3s.

Zan: Sweet we get to kill some religious freaks!

Dice: (Rolls and gets a #19) Im hungry.

Bob: Then go eat something! Ill be in the cockpit driving.

Zan: Im gonna go get my weapons!

(Zan gets out of his chair, walks into the hallway, stops in front of a door entitled Armory, and goes through the door.)

Dice: (Still sitting at the table) IM HUNGRY!

Bob: (From Cockpit) Then get up and get something to eat because Im not feeding you...............again!

Zan: (Inside the Armory) Im back my babies! (Opens up trench coat & begins to put two Katanas, two Handguns, M16, 20 Grenades, 10 Remote Bombs, 5 Daggers, and a Particle Rifle into the slots inside the trench coat.) Ill be back for the rest of you later. (Exits the Armory)

Bob: (Over the Intercom) Will everyone please find a seat we are about to transform!

(The Heavy Assault RV begins to pick up speed and airplane wings begin to form on the sides the bottom of the RV begins to rise & three airplane wheels lower from the bottom while the other wheels rise into the RV)

Bob: Everyone hold on!

(The heavy assault RV runs off a cliff and begins to fall when suddenly Jet engines appear on the bottom of the wings and the RV takes off!)

Bob: Lets go kick some Vatican ASS!

(We go to a shot of the Vatican then we cut to a shot of a dark room with a round table with Vatican Generals sitting around it and at one end is the Pope.)

General Lancer: Your Holiness the surprise attack on America has begun without a hitch we already have control over 50% of Washington D.C. and with the Cultist help we will have it conquered by tomorrow afternoon.

Pope: Excellent!

General Kuzer: The only problem sir is that we came across a message that was sent to the Mercenaries that were responsible for the Execution Incident have been hired by the U.S. Army to help them get rid of us.

Pope: They are no threat to me they cant stop us now!

General Zealot: Your Holiness we are ready to start whenever you are.

Pope: Im ready Zealot its time to begin Operation Divine Cleaning!

                  END OF PART 5!

Pope Wars: Part Six

(We see the Heavy Assault RV as a jet heading to Washington D.C.)

Bob: We’re almost there everyone so prepare to land.

(Then we cut into the command center of the “Divine Wind Airship” with the captain sitting in a big chair in the middle of the room)

Guy at Radar Screen: Captain we have detected an unknown aircraft heading this way.

Captain: Fire the “Divine Light Cannon” and blow it out of the sky!

Gut at Radar Screen: Sir it’s a very small aircraft we don’t have to use the cannon.

Captain: (Acting like a child) I never get to use the cannon! I want to use the cannon! I’m the captain and I say we’re using it!

Guy at Radar Screen: Okay, okay we’ll use the cannon.

Captain: YEAH!

(We go to a side view of the “Divine Wind Airship” and we the giant cannon mounted on front fire a blue energy beam at the H.A.R.V)

Bob:  (Seeing the energy beam) Holy Mother of that one dude.

(We go outside the H.A.R.V. and we see the energy beam miss the H.A.R.V. by a fraction of an inch. Then we go back inside the “Divine Wind” command center we see lights flashing sirens going off and lights flickering but the captain is completely oblivious to all of this.)

Captain: (Giddy as a school girl) Did we get them.

Guy at Radar screen: No sir we missed.

Captain: (Little kid that’s whining) Then fire the cannon again!

Guy at Radar Screen: We can’t sir the Cannon has overheated our systems mainframe we are just lucky are engines didn’t go out.

Captain: (Little kid again and we see tears creeping into his eyes) I didn’t want that to happen FIX IT NOW! I might lose my job over this Nooooooooooooo (takes breath) oooooooo! (Begins to cry very hard)

Guy at Radar Screen: (Looking at the Captain) I hate my life.
(We cut back to the cockpit of the H.A.R.V. we see Bob at the controls and looking cocky)

Bob: You bastards hiding behind a huge gun why don’t you come here and let me kick you in the yarbles if you have any yarbles that is!

Zan: (sticks head through cockpit door) I really wish you would stop watching that movie.

Bob: Shut and get in your Pod it’s time for a tad bit of the old ultra violence!

(We go to the side of the H.A.R.V. and we see a section of the paneling disengage itself from the vessel releasing a coffin shape Pod)

Zan: (Inside the Pod) This part always makes me sick.

(We now go to the ground and we see two Vatican Soldiers in a make shift bunker with one looking through binoculars.)

Vatican #1: What are you look’ in at their Billy?

Vatican #2: (With Binoculars) Shut up and go get General Kuzer something is coming this wa…..

(The Pod, with Zan inside, lands on top of the two Vatican Soldiers crushing them. Then General Kuzer comes out of the bunker he is dressed in a black Vatican guard uniform with several medals on it he has a soul patch type beard and has one of those Bloomin Onion type haircuts.)

Kuzer: What in the name of all of his creation was that noise? (He looks at the coffin shaped Pod and makes the sign of the cross & points at the Pod.) Come out you spawn of Satan so that I may purify you.

(The Pod door opens and Zan steps out staggers for a bit and turns his head and throws up.)

Zan: (after recovering a bit and looks up at Kuzer) it’s going to take a lot more than you to purify me trust me on that I’ve lost my Purity way beyond recovery.

(During this a second coffin shaped Pod drops down and Dice exits it not sick at all and wearing a Robotic looking Gauntlet on his left hand. He also has Grey cargo pants a green shirt and a short tan coat type number going)

Zan: It’s about time you got here.

(Dice starts to roll his dice to make a comment but then 4 dozen Vatican Soldiers appear and Surround Zan & Dice.)

Kuzer: You just lost to the most basic rule of Demon killing surrounding and shooting them. (He starts laughing)

Zan: (Looks at Dice) Why does he think we’re demons. (Dice is about to roll again but Zan stops him.) Dice give me a beat.

(Dice pulls a Yellow dice out of a pocket rolls it in a cupped hand and tosses it into one of the holes in the gauntlet the gauntlet begins to flash it starts to wrap wires around Dice’s arm it gets onto his back and speakers form out of the wires and begins playing Queens Bohemian Rhapsody)

Zan: Now that’s what I’m talking about. ( Zan begins singing along and doing an elaborate choreographed dance while shooting the 4 Dozen soldiers who are also shooting at him until only Kuzer remains.)

End Part Six