Marrital strife

The stress, hatred and anxiety are reaching an all-time peak. I feel like vomiting at almost every encounter with him. I know I will be abused again soon, so what is the point? My faith has kept me strong and I can recognize God’s love — but I wonder what crutch would provide such hatred for that one to whom I am pledged?? How can I continue with such enormity of desolation, such loss of self-worth, such detesting, such a meager existence for me—one so huge.

My life has always been bigger than life. My dreams, my hopes, my plans. My youthful spirit has reigned over pessimism and doubt. How have I come to this?          crashing down,
         negative,
         self-deprecating,
         pessimistic,
         overwrought,
         angry,
         spiteful,
         jealous,
         temperamental,
         insecure,
         alone.
I host friends to be surrounded, to eat and drink with those I love. He walks into the end of our time, never with a smile, never joining conversation, always angry, hateful, surly, rude.

I know he hates himself more than he hates me, but why?
What huge guilt could possible overcome years of cooperation, fidelity, and honor?
         Has he slept with others (guilty because he knows I have not)?
         Has he taken a life—real or imagined?
         Has he lied so much that the presence of truth and honesty hold him captive?
         Has he incestuous relationships?
         Has he abused others—emotionally or physically—that now he knows not what is right?

There is no truth in our union, and therefore, no love. There is fear at every moment, at every morning, every night. How do I continue living such a lie?

+++

Two women last week in my house said the same thing in two very separate conversations: “Children need both a father and a mother, and that is best for them.” One of these had recently lost her mate to infidelity; the other waits patiently for the moment when she can flee. How can each of us be so unhappy in the state we are?

Counselors tell me that raising children can be good either way, and it can be bad either way. But more importantly, abuse of a situation overrides the faith in “keeping it together.”

I want to run.

What I must leave:
• the hypocrisy—that we have it all (or want it all)
• the want for more worldly goods
• the lack of nature time
• the ill treatment—both his of me and mine of him
• the lack of respect—again both directions
• the poor example for our children—and the guilt that example carries

I sit here with tears rolling down my face, years taken away with fear of what I have and desire for what I know God has for me. “Ask and you shall receive…” Have I not asked enough? Is it like the wealth of royalty… never to be possesses because I was not born with rights? Can peace and love never be mine either?

[December, 2007]