I am my mother's daughter

I am my mother’s daughter

Compelled to the streets, because she had no place to call home, she was the mother of three and a friend to only one. She was just another common person who lost herself on the way to creating a better life for herself. Although, the only responsibility she had was the responsibility for one, she couldn’t help but feel there was something missing. She permanently lost her children at the age of thirty, and one time before that at the age of Twenty-seven, but was able to obtain them because of countless amounts of changes in her social life.

Some of the people that knew her would call this woman selfish, but her middle child just thought that she lost herself on the way to creating someone else. She tried so hard top be the perfect mother, that she forgotten how to be a mother at all. She abandoned her children just like her family abandoned her. This woman that I’m talking about is my mother; no name needs to be mentioned. She grew up in a broken home; she had so many desires, in which she had to put on hold when she’d gotten pregnant with her first child.

She had an unusually unstable relationship with her family, her mother died when she was the age of seven. I can’t say that I actually know how my mother was feeling and I don’t believe that she can explain it to me, I mean it’s been over thirty-two years. I believe that my mother wasn’t ready to be a mother at all; I mean she barely even had a mother and when she did, she was a severe alcoholic. My mother never told me how her mother died, actually my mother never told me anything about her. I can’t say that I don’t know why, it’s probably because she was embarrassed of her.

Of course my mother wasn’t the only child; she had two older sisters and an older brother. I don’t really know much about them. I’ve seen them a couple of time, but still I don’t feel about them the way I’m supposed to feel about an uncle or aunt. Now or day I don’t really think that I have any family, matter fact scratch that I have a lovely daddy who I love very much, a brother whom I love and a sister who I like. Of course he’s not my real father; I can’t say that my mother or I know who my father is. Okay, she tells me that it’s this one man, but I don’t even resemble him at all.

Of course I don’t go against her like “that not my father”, and I don’t do this because she my mother and whatever she says goes and I respect her to the highest level. My mother has done some cruel things to me, but I just forgave her because I know it’s not her fault. When my mother was younger she was molested by a man twice her age at this time she was around the age of twelve. She prayed to god that it didn’t happen to her children, but it did. Once this happen I guess she felt as though God had let her down somehow, so she just let herself go.

She started to use drugs to escape the cruel reality of her not having custody of her own children. Unfortunately, she realized that she couldn’t have anyone raising the children that she had given life. I guess she went to rehab and at a young age that was the first time I had been proud of her, but I didn’t know if I was ready to go live with her again, but I did because I missed her, my dad, my brother, and my sister. I know right about now you’re probably thinking why my father didn’t get me; the thing is he didn’t have enough to provide for three tiny children primarily three children that didn’t belong to him.

A couple of months later I realized that thing weren’t how they should be. We lived in a village not to far from down town. By this time my mother had left my father for his best friends who had eventually moved in with her. I believe that that was one of the many mistakes that she made, because that gave him the right to do anything. All he really did was laid around and made me do all the cleaning; of course I was a subservient child. Luckily we lived right next to the woman that my mother had grown up with. They were actually friends since they’re early childhood.

So about twenty times out of two years I actually was over there. Don’t get me wrong I loved my mother boyfriend, but I just couldn’t believe that she would really do some so insensitive to my father feelings or that his best friend would do that as well. So all the guy actually did was imposition. He waited for the right time to actually go behind my father back to steal my mother. Of course at this time I had no say so in the matter at all, after all I was just a child. I had many reason to criticize this man, but I’ll only mention two, first off he was my father’s best friend for over teen years, and second of all he never really did anything but hold my mother back from actually being a mother.

She never asked me about what I thought about her dating him, she never asked if I like my new home and she never even asked me did I need help decorating my new room. I had to do everything alone, my mother, sister and brother was always out. I had to learn how to cook and clean at a young age. I had no friends and I don’t quite remember how I got money, but I did I always would decorate the house every holiday. I never had gotten anything from my mother for my birthday. I spent some weekend with my father to get away from it all. Till this day I’m so spoiled, I get whatever I want.

My father illuminated my life with, laughter, joy and most importantly love, and something that ever child needed and something that my mother neglected to give me. Of course had low self-esteem, my mother never even taught me about personal hygiene, I had to learn all of the girly things form my father, isn’t that something. I went to school everyday late. Because I didn’t have anything I stole things form my fellow classmates, that’s not something I’m proud of and I can’t really take that back. I mean that was over ten years ago. I had gotten in countless amounts of fights, because the student found out that I stole from them, I didn’t know how to fight so of course at this point I lost.

I was incompetent at this time I didn’t know how to write, do mathematics and do a little reading, till this day I still hate reading. My father taught me how to write and read and a little but of math, the rest I had to learn in school. I graduated from (Cleveland elementary school) and attended (Avon Avenue St School) for the beginning of sixth grade. There I had no friends also, till this day I still have pictures of my graduation from (Cleveland) my mother and I both looked so happy, so what happened? I’ll tell you what happened, I found out that my mother was using drugs again and that just broke my heart.

So I had to initiative a plan to get away from her, of course I hesitated to go through with the plan, because I kept thinking over and over about the consequences, but when I found out the real reason we moved into that neighbor hood I just had to take that chance. We moved into that neighbor hood, because my mother’s drug spot was right around the corner. She spent more time over there than at home. I would have asked her about it, but she probably would have said that it was inexplicable. My respect for her at this time had just drifted away, just as my love drifted away. My mother and had her boyfriend has controversy after controversy and I was tired of it, after all this wouldn’t have happened if she stayed with my father.

I was eager to get out of her presence, but also thought about what was subsequent I had made this decision. I was filled with dismay after I told one of my teachers that I had overdosed on some pills that my mom had gave me. I thought that maybe that I would given me to my father who was cavalierly, but I miscalculated, because he wasn’t my real father they weren’t able to give him custody of me, and this astonished me. Once I had been taken away from my mother I knew that she wouldn’t have custody of me again, I felt great, but also felt so empty.

I was obsessed about that last night that I had spent with my mother. My brother and I had went fishing with my sister so called father, so while we were away DYFS came and gotten her and were unable to find us, so decided to wait another day. When we had gotten back everyone told me that they had came and took my sister, but for some reason I didn’t care, I mean I loved her, but we weren’t that close. My brother and I spent the night with my mother, all of us cuddled up on the sofa. My mother was in the back, I was in the middle, and my little brother was in the front.

That was the first time in a long time that my mother actually acted like a mother. The next morning we were awakened by a knock on the front door. My brother and I looked around, my mother was no where to be found. My little brother took off down the staircase, and I was going to go with him, but my mother’s boyfriend at the time told me not to do it and to just go open the door. I couldn’t help but feel tears rolling down my eyes as I opened the front door. It was a Dyfs social working standing there trying to Obtain my brother and I.

I told them that my brother had ran off, they gave me about twenty minutes to pack up some clothes, and every second of those twenty minutes I was expecting my mother to walk through the door, but she didn’t. I grabbed a Barbie book that she and my father had picked out for me and the bag that I had packed and walked out of the house with the social worker. I desperately wanted to see her walking up the path that I was walking down, but I never did. I gotten into the back of a state car and looked out of the back window to see if I could get a glimpse of her, I couldn’t, so I turned around and held the Barbie book up to my heart and started to cry.

That’s how I ended up in the place that I’m in now, I’ve been here going on eight years, this is the same place that they put me in when they confiscated me from my mother the last time. Of course the first couple of months I was depressed I kept eating and eating and sleeping, those were the things that help me get over the fact that she gave us up without a fight, I don’t know maybe she wasn’t strong enough. There I had a lot of firsts, I had my first boyfriend, my first kissed, my first time, my first dog, my first friend, my first enemy, my first grandmother , my first real aunt and my first love, these were things that I wished my mother would have been around for.

I don’t mean to say it like she died, but at that time she was dead to me, never around, never called and never tried. By this time I’ve gotten over it and realized that that’s the woman that gave me life and without her there is no me. Eventually the people that I live with grew on me extended relationships between all of us, of course that was going to happen I mean the woman that I call grandma has custody I have to stay here at least until I’m eighteen. I love the house it great I finally have a real family, that something that everyone wants.

Sometime I wish that things would have worked out better for me, but then I realize that everything happens for a reason, that this is how my life always planned out from the beginning. Most of the time some of the children that I call my cousin gets on my nerves, but you got to love them, except this one who makes you want to pull your hair out, but at the end of the day she’s type sweet of course I’ll never tell her that, that’s totally confidential. The dog, oh my Goodness, the house would not be the same without the dog. You know how every family has that one special person or thing that keeps the family together, well He’s that special thing that keeps this family together.

Now, I have a week and five day until my eighteenth birthday, I don’t know what I’m going to do knowing that Dyfs cuts it children off when they turn eighteen, but I’ll figure something out. Okay, in case you’re wondering, I have seen my mother spent the night with her countless amounts of times at that. I also split the time with my father and my foster mother if you already haven’t figured that out, I’m daddy’s little girl. I spent a couple of days with my sister hoping that our relationship would get better, well it did a little. One the other hand I haven’t really spent anytime with my brother, I miss him a lot and I look forward to seeing him in the near future.

Recently I‘ve realized my love for The Arts: writing, singing, and acting. I also found a love for Canada I have to go there one day. See my dreams have change since I was younger, I want to be all three a singer, an actress and a writer, but I also want to go to school for Journalism in Canada. How I’m going to reach these goals, I don’t know, but I’ll do it one day, I guarantee it, but for now I’ll just stay close to home. You know I can’t be to far away from daddy or for the most part away from my mother, because I am my mothers daughter and without her there’s no me and without her my whole life would feel empty.