Sleeping Part 2

Ok, sorry about that, but you guys have been pushing water on me nonstop for a while now. Anyway, like I said, I pulled my sleeping bit for about six months, and I didn’t really run into many problems. Really, not many people noticed. I guess I played the part pretty well, because everyone went on like usual. In all honesty, I was kind of a quiet guy anyway and with what happened, well, people were giving me some leeway to be by myself. So I drifted through school for months without incident. I stayed involved with everything that I was a part of, mostly, because like I said I didn’t want to raise suspicion. The only extra activity I started was that I began to read the newspaper. I read about all sorts of stuff that I don’t even remember now, but it was a way to kill time. The only article I remember is the little blurb that was run about Mom’s court appearance. About a month after the incident, Mom had to appear in court to deliver her deposition. I saved that article too, I guess to remind myself that everything was really happening, and it wasn’t just a dream. Do you want to see it?

Ionia Township Chronicle
Monday, November 28th, 2005
Today, Melinda McDouglas appeared in the Ionia Courthouse to give her statement as to the events of October 12th. According to her statement, Mrs. McDouglas admits to shooting and killing her husband Bradley. She claims that it was an act of self-defense, as she was in fear of her life. Mrs. McDouglas’s attorney submitted medical records as evidence of the abuse Mrs. McDouglas suffered. Authorities also found incident reports from the local hospital from two different emergency room visits that Mrs. McDouglas had in the past three years. Combined with her testimony, the judge ruled that Mrs. McDouglas acted in self-defense and with appropriate force. She was dismissed with the thanks of the Court.

Anyway, like I said, I just drifted along acting like everything was normal. I didn’t have any issue with anything until mid-December. Did I mention that I was a part of the ski team? No, well, I was and I really enjoyed it. But halfway through December, we had a meet, and something happened. I was going down a run, not really paying attention, and hit a patch of ice. I slid out and fell, skidding down the hill past a couple gates. I got up and looked up the hill. I didn’t really slide that far, and I could have easily hiked up the hill, caught the gates I missed and got back in the course. But I didn’t do that, I just didn’t care. Any other time, I would have run up that hill with my skis on, but not that time. I just shrugged, pointed my skis down the hill and rode down to the bottom. When I got back to the top, my coach was looking at me. I had just broken the cardinal rule of our team, don’t quit the course. I didn’t want to deal with it, or him, so I skied past him and all my teammates and just went back into the lodge. I was halfway through packing up my stuff when my coach came inside. He walked over and sat down across from me. For few minutes he just sat there as I packed.
“Jay,” he said. “What happened?”
“I don’t know, Coach. I don’t know.” I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
“Look, Jay. You’re one of my best junior skiers, and I know you’ve been through a lot lately. But ever since…It…happened, your head has been somewhere else. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, and I don’t want to belittle your pain but, remember rule number two?”
I looked at him. Sure I remembered rule number two. Rule number one was “Don’t quit the course”. Rule number two was “Leave your baggage at the door”. How could I forget rule number two? It was drilled into us anytime someone on the team bitched about their girlfriend or the test they just bombed. But I couldn’t believe the coach was telling me to leave my ‘baggage’ at the door, as if living with the person who murdered my father was a fucking suitcase, that could just be dropped off at will. I considered telling him, right then, what really happened that night. I decided against it, knowing full well that telling him would set into motion a chain of events, and I knew where that chain would end. I just nodded to the coach instead, letting him know that I did indeed remember rule number two. I wondered how that by this time, Coach hadn’t picked up on the new rule, rule number three, “Leave Jason the hell alone”, everyone else on the team had.
“I know you are going through a tough time right now, so I’m not gonna get down on you too hard. I just want to let you know I’m here if you ever need to talk. Also, I wanted to give you a suggestion.”
“Oh yeah, what’s that?” Now I was pissed, and sounded a lot more sarcastic than I meant to.
“When you’re out there, on the hill, ski for her. Your mom is probably going through a hard time too. She must have been living in constant fear of what your father was going to do to her. She’s shown a lot of strength by being able to come through this alive. Ski for her, and maybe you’ll be able to find some of that strength too.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My mom living in constant fear? I was the one who was terrified to look at her the wrong way. Oh yeah, Coach, my mom had strength alright; enough strength to shoot her husband in the chest and then threaten her only son into silence. Asshole.
Thankfully by that time I was done packing, so I was able to grab my stuff and leave before I said anything to the coach. I stormed out of the lodge and went to my car. As I drove off, I started screaming all the things I wanted to scream to the coach at my steering wheel. My car was a safe haven, I could say anything I wanted in it, and there would be no consequences. Being alone in my car was the only thing I enjoyed anymore. Oh, that and actually sleeping. Both were times when I no longer had to act that everything was ok, that I was ok; I could relax.


Shortly after that, I quit the ski team. I figured it was what I needed to do anyway. I felt like I didn’t belong there anymore, especially after my little stunt at our last meet. It was strange because I took a chance at being different or acting out of the ordinary for me. I hoped it would go unnoticed, but I wasn’t that lucky. Around the end of January, I got a note saying the School Counselor would like to talk to me. The note was delivered to me right after lunch, and I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out how I was going to avoid talking to her. I felt that if I went to talk to Ms. McClendon, everything would come out and I would be in deep trouble. She had a way of getting things out of people. Don’t get me wrong, I liked her, and in fact I had been in to talk to her a few times the year before when I thought my parents were going to get a divorce. Funny thing is, back then I didn’t want them to, now I would give anything to have my parents divorced instead of…
Well, anyway, Ms. McClendon wanted to see me, and as much as I wanted to skip out on it, I knew there was no avoiding going to see her. I only hoped I could resist her spell. She had this way of making anyone feel comfortable talking to her, like it was perfectly safe and we could tell her anything. I think it had to do with the fact that she was young, and to be honest, quite hot. She came to our school right out of Grad School, and was very eager about her work. She always wore a skirt, and she must have known it showed off her legs, just like she had to know she had great legs. I remember that for a while there was a debate whether she shaved her legs, or if she had them waxed. When she first started at our school, all the guys wanted to be called into her office, some even made up reasons to have appointments with her. That stopped when we found out that she would absolutely not waste her time on people who just wanted to gawk at her legs. She even told one guy to get the hell out of her office and just go buy a Playboy, because that was all the help he needed. I think that is what made me go see her, back then. I knew that she was serious about her job, and maybe she could help. But this time, the last thing I wanted to do was be in a room with her. I had no doubt that she would start in with the concerned questions, and within minutes I would be spilling the goods, and then, well, I knew where it would end.
After the bell rang, I slunk to Ms. McClendon’s office. I felt like I was going to the gallows. I knocked on her door and waited. I heard her voice from within, her sweet Siren call.
“Come in Jason, take a seat.”
I opened the door and entered her office. She was seated behind her desk, going over some sort of paperwork. There was a chair on the other side of her desk, as well as two against the far wall. I decided that I didn’t really want to be seated close to her, so I took one on the far side of the room, hoping she would stay behind her desk. Again, my luck sucks. She put down her pen and stood up. She walked over and sat down across from me, a concerned look already on her face. I didn’t want to look at her, so I stared at the ground. I figured I would say as little as possible, and hopefully get out of there alive.
Hah, that’s a funny phrase. Never really took the time to think about it, but it applied literally to my situation. Anyway…
Ms. McClendon cleared her throat, her way of getting someone to make eye contact with her, and I’ll be damned if it didn’t work then. She studied my face before speaking.
“Jason, it seems like something has been bothering you lately.”
I couldn’t help the scoff that escaped me. “Well, yeah.”
“I don’t mean the obvious thing, Jason. Anyone would be upset by what you have had to live through. Abusive or not, I’m sure in some ways you looked up to your father. I don’t believe you ever noticed the abuse, or you wouldn’t have been in here last year worried that they were going to get divorced. Am I right?”
How could I tell her that she was dead wrong, that I had noticed, but just didn’t want them to get divorced because I didn’t want to have to deal with it? How could I tell her what was really bothering me? How could I even say one word without lying to her? How could I tell her that despite his abusive side, my father was my role model? I didn’t know how to answer her question, so I just kept silent.
“Jason, it’s alright to look up to your father. I sure in some ways he was a good man. But you also have to accept that there were some parts of him that were less then admirable. Even though he was abusive, it doesn’t mean that you can’t admire the good parts about him. I know that you probably feel that you shouldn’t but it is ok. Everyone has noticed a change in you, all your teachers have commented to me that you seem to not be putting in as much effort as you used to. And now, your coach tells me you quit the ski team. I know how much you love skiing Jason, why did you quit?”
Again, I didn’t answer her question. I just sat in that chair, staring at my shoes. Ms. McClendon continues talking to me, not getting offended by my unresponsiveness.
“Everyone is getting concerned. You are starting to do poorly in classes, and seem to just not care anymore. I’ve asked each of your teachers to attempt to describe your actions, and all of them say it is like you are sleeping all the time. They have asked me to talk to you, and see if we can figure out what to do. We would like to help you, if we can. So tell us, is there anything we can do? Is there anything I can do?”
I shook my head, the first time I was able to answer one of her questions. Because no, there wasn’t anything anyone could do. Not if I wanted to stay alive. I decided that I had to say something; otherwise, I’d never make it out of Ms. McClendon’s office.
“Ms. McClendon, really it’s ok. I’m ok. Or at least I will be, when I get everything figured out. Like you said, it is hard to accept that my father was abusive towards my mom, but it’s something I’ll have to get used to. It is just taking me longer than I thought. I do appreciate your concern though.”
Ms. McClendon just looked at me, and I could tell she didn’t buy anything I just said. However, instead of forcing the issue, she nodded.
“Alright, Jason, you just let me know if there is anything you need. I’m here to help, anyway that I can.”
She stood up, and went back to her desk. I took that as my cue to leave, and did so quickly. I was still trying to soak up all she said. My teachers noticed my sleeping? How was that possible? I thought I had been doing a good job of acting like I cared. I guess my teachers were a lot better at seeing through bullshit than I thought. Everyone had noticed that I was acting different, but nobody was even close to the reason. So I figured I was still safe. I really hoped that nobody had called home yet, to tell my mother about the concerns they had. I hurried out to my car, and drove home. When I got there, my mom wasn’t home, so I let myself in and checked the voice mail. Thankfully there were no messages. I was safe for now, but I would have to figure out a way to be more careful.