Confession

Alex,
         I’m not entirely sure what I’m writing this for…I mean, it isn’t as if I’m expecting anything to come of it.  But all I can feel is emotion, raw emotion, as strong and heart-breaking as any, and I know that there is no way I’ll be able to continue living every single day without expressing some of that emotion.  Am I making sense?  When we were at school you always used to tell me off for wittering away, not giving my mouth the time to catch up with my brain.  I guess some things never change.
         I know something else that never changed – the way I feel about you.  From the first moment I saw you on the first day of the new year, I knew you were different from those that milled around you.  I’ll never forget the first time I set eyes on you.  Looking so lost and bewildered…but hopeful too.  Excited, I guess.  Then you turned your head and faced me, looked right at me with those blue eyes of yours and I couldn’t help but smile.
         Did I stop to think in those first few months?  Did I sort out anything in my mind beyond my admiration for your intelligence, your generosity, your ability to be depressed and world-weary one moment and then leaping up and declaring that we should go and get some ice cream to cheer ourselves up?  Did I consider the fact that, as every day we grew closer together, better and better friends, it was going to get harder and harder for me to ever tell you how I really felt.
         Then of course along came Jordan…eloquent, blonde-haired Jordan…I never stood a chance after that.  Watching you two together, watching you tenderly link hands, watch you take one another in your arms…watching you kiss.  I tried to be happy for you; I was happy for you.  My best friend, the one person I’ve always loved unequivocally.  How could I not be happy now that you were so in love, so delighted in your new relationship?  I couldn’t even hate Jordan, though I wanted to. I still don’t know how you managed to find someone as generous and affectionate as you.  So I could never begrudge you your happiness.
         But I can’t deny that when you finally broke up I felt my heart leap with joy that you were free again.  That day when I took the train down to London to see you, when we sat on your bed and I let you cry into my shoulder...you told me I was the sweetest friend in the world, so selfless, abandoning the revision for my finals to come and comfort you.  Of course I came to see you to comfort you, but above that I was praying that when I held you, told you that I would always be there for you, something would at last happen between us.  I’ve always managed to keep that, the worst and most despicable side of myself, from you.  My selfishness.  I’m not surprised that you chose Jordan over me in school.
         You know nothing happened that day, that I took the train home again, getting back just in time to scrape a pass in my exams.  But I was never as smart as you.
         It breaks my heart how little we spoke in the years that followed university.  I finally tried to escape from the hold you had on my heart, have a few relationships of my own.  But they were never more than empty love affairs and one-night stands, falling apart like the insubstantial threads of my life which they were. 
         Then came the invitation to Jordan’s wedding.  I knew you would be there, and this time I was determined to have you at last.  You’d have laughed if you had known the effort I put into getting ready, thinking that if I looked good enough, if you saw me looking incredible and happy, that you would realise you loved me as I had always loved you.  I was such a fool.
         You were there, of course.  My eyes were drawn to you at once, you looked as wonderful as ever.  Better than that, you were standing alone in the corner.  I hurried over, threw my arms around you.  For a couple of minutes, I thought my plan had worked.  You looked so happy to see me too and your eyes were full of a light I’d never seen there before.  I knew that it was love, that you loved me at long last…and then you said it.  The words that were the final knife-through-the-heart, the end of the line insofar as my ability to keep hoping, keep praying that eventually you’d love me too. “I’d like you to meet someone…I’ve got the most wonderful news…I’m engaged.” 
         I don’t remember the rest of that awful day.  I don’t want to.  There was a rushing in my ears, I could hear my heart pounding desperately, as if it knew it were not going to last much longer but was determined to get as many beats into that short time as possible.  All I wanted to do was get away from there.
         And so I sit here today, writing these words.  I’m sorry I didn’t go to your wedding, but I hope you’ll understand that in the end I just couldn’t quite bring myself to.  The sight of you marrying someone other than me would have been too much and the last thing I want to do is ruin your wedding.  I know how happy you will be, what a good family you’ll make.  You’ll have children and live in the suburbs, and eventually those children will grow up and you’ll have grandchildren.  You’ll be happy Alex, so happy.  I know you will.  I can see it all so clearly…
         I hope the honeymoon was good.  I’ve never been to Jamaica.  Never been anywhere really.  I’ve spent my whole life shifting listlessly from place to place, thinking of you and trying not to.  I don’t want you to be sad about me, to feel sorry for me.  You are the most important person in the world, it is just my weakness that has led to this. 
         That’s everything I really had to say.  I promise you Alex, my wonderful, amazing, darling Alex, that I will always be with you.  Heart and soul.  Maybe in another life things could have turned out differently, but not here.  Not for me.
         I love you.  I have always loved you.  With every fibre of my being I have loved you.  And I will go on loving you forever.  If heaven exists, maybe I’ll be able to be with you in some way after all.  But I don’t think so.  I’ve never been a spiritual person.  I was too busy worrying about my life on Earth to think about the hereafter.
         Look at me, procrastinating as usual.  I’ll stop now.  Give you a break from my endless rambling!
         Love you. 
                             Simon

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         Alex sighed sadly, folding the letter carefully over the creases and sliding it back into its envelope.  Hearing footsteps behind her, she turned to see Liam walking towards her.
         “Knew I’d find you here.”  She smiled weakly, the tears spilling from her eyes and over her cheeks.
         “I’m sorry, I hope you didn’t worry.  I just couldn’t help it.”  She said softly.  Liam knelt down and put his arm around her.  She leant into his embrace, resting her head on his shoulder and inhaling the familiar warm scent of him.
         “I wasn’t too worried.  This little one was though, he wants his mummy.”  Sniffing, Alex took the little bundle from her husband’s other arm.
         “Hello my darling.”  She whispered, bending down to place a soft kiss on the forehead of her son.  A tear clinging to her eyelashes fell onto the soft plumpness of the child’s cheek.
         “I’m just going to pop to the toilets.  See you in a bit.”  Alex smiled at the consideration of her husband, knowing she would want a little time alone here with her son.
         “Do you know where you are?”  She said to the child looking up at her with big blue eyes.  “This is where a friend of mummy’s is.  She loved him very much, but she couldn’t love him in the same way as he loved her.”  The tears were massing in her eyes again.  “And he didn’t want to live here anymore when he knew that.”  She stood up.  “Come on Simon, let’s go and find your daddy.”
           The young woman walked slowly back the way she had come, towards her husband.  At the gate, she turned her head once more to look back at the spot where she had been sitting.  A single grey stone lay in the grass, lovingly maintained.  Words were carved on it: ‘Here lies Simon William Green, born 21st June 1972, died 11th July 2008.  Beloved by his friends Alexandra and Liam Wood, he died for she whom he loved’.