The Idiocy Chronicles:Tremendous Tuesday

Once upon a strawberry sundae, in the glorious land of Emerson High School, Melina Norton sat in her English class. To any regular, unwary student, she would have seemed to be reading, but we know better. As was her life’s goal, she was plotting to take over the world.

“Okay, first of all, I’m definitely going to need a thief. And a real good one, at that,” she thought, seriously. “Coin! Coin will do excellently. We’ll steal him away from Sakora and he will have no choice but to work for me. I can be pretty appealing, if I do say so myself.

“Once I have him captured, I will have him steal all the sparkly things in the entire world! Ha! Beat that, you petty things that exist to be a distraction! That way, I won’t have a repeat of last time…

“When Coin has all the pretty, sparkly things hidden away from my eyes, I will commence to the next part of my plan. I will win over the hearts of all the dentists in the world by joining the American Dental Association! Then they will be sure to do my bidding.

“I will then instruct them to put a brilliant, mind-control devise in all tooth implants! Once the world’s population is secured with my ‘Tooth Implants’ (A ha ha! Such a clever name!), I will activate them, and everyone on this puny planet will obey me! Aha ha ha!”

Melina had started to giggle maniacally from behind her textbook, in which she had drawn out her plan in detail. Morey wondered what on earth her friend was planning this time.

“Melina,” she whispered.

Melina looked startled. “What?!” she whispered, urgently.

“What’s your plan on world domination involve this time?”

“Shh!” she cursed, as if no one in the class knew what she was up to, which, of course, they did. She ever so stealthily threw her textbook at Morey, making as much noise as possible.

Morey looked over the ingenious plan. Melina rubbed her hands together in excitement.

“Isn’t it wonderful, Morey? I’m sure to succeed this time!”

“I see one problem,” said Morey.

“What?!” She looked horror-stricken. “That’s impossible! My plan is perfect!”

“Well, once we’ve traveled through dimensions to get Coin, Sakora’s not the only person we’re going to have to worry about. He has other friends, too. I’m afraid, that in order for this to work, we’re going to need an army at least ten thousand strong to dimension-hop with us.”

“Bpeh—” Melina started. After a few minutes, she sighed. “You’re right. I grossly underestimated his strength. This might take longer than I planned. I’m going to have to start recruiting immediately. I just hope training doesn’t take too long…”

She swiped the textbook back and started making corrections to her plan. Morey went back to looking through a backpack she had taken from some unsuspecting sophomore.

The morning commenced slowly, and by the time Melina had her plan absolutely perfect, it was time for lunch. She met up with Claire, Laney, and Halli at their usual booth in the lunch room (Morey always went home to her manor for lunch).

Lunch went by normally enough. Melina quietly shared her masterful plan, with a few outbursts of insane laughter, Claire insisted on being in charge of boot camp for the dimension-traveling soldiers, and everyone made Halli laugh a little too much when she was drinking, so naturally, orange juice spurted out her nose, killing a citrus-allergic student.

The friends’ food consumption was nearing an end. Luckily, their booth was placed in a very convenient location for food disposal. The trash cans were right behind Boothy, which meant everyone could just shove their leftover lunchness at Halli and Laney, and they could throw it over their shoulders into the trash cans of doom. Once in a great while, however, something would go wrong with this clever scheme. Like, on this particular Tuesday, for instance, Noah Daniels, who sat in the booth just behind Melina and Claire, decided that he didn’t need to toss his food to Halli or Laney. He thought his amazing, not-baseball-like-in-any-way skills were good enough for him to make the shot into the ever-so-far-away garbage can.

IT WAS A DISASTER OF EPIC PROPORTIONS! AND RANCH DRESSING!

Obviously, Noah had had no training whatsoever in the art of baseball. Or basketball. Or anything that involved throwing things in an artsy fashion. The ranch dressing he had tried to throw away folded under pressure, and exploded all over the lunch room.

The Ranch Catastrophe, as it came to be known amongst the students that day, was one of the most life-altering calamities they had ever experienced. They swam in the Ranch all around the lunch room, trying to find their friends, their food, their backpacks, the door that led to freedom, and most importantly, the end of the rainbow. The tragedy was so horrific, that three sophomores were never seen again. They presumably drowned, but it was never proven. Who knows? Maybe Odis, the Sophomore Eating Tape-Ball with Red Tinsel Hair left his habitat in the auditorium that day to devour some terrified, Ranch-covered goodies.

To make a long story of swimming and Ranch-Polo short, Halli, Laney, Melina, and Claire made it back into the halls of Emerson high school safely. They quickly cleaned themselves up a bit, using a randomly appearing girls’ locker room, fully equipped with showers and poster boards. Once they were done, the locker room disappeared into thin air. The girls then followed their everyday routine, and went to use the bathroom located next to the disaster-filled lunch room.

Naturally, there were a few girls in the bathroom cleaning up from the Ranch Fest. One of them was Carrie Fitzgerald. Halli and Laney were quite good friends, slash prank war rivals with Carrie.

Unsuspecting Carrie decided to use a toilet, and went into a stall before she noticed Halli and Laney. Just then, Halli got a brilliant idea to commence the prank war. She turned to Laney and whispered in a slightly insane fashion.

Meanwhile, Melina and Claire were planning out boot camp.

“No, no, no!” shouted Melina. “Bulldozers are perfect! I want to get their hearts pumping with fear as they run for their lives!”

“But bulldozers aren’t armed!” rebutted Claire.

“So we’ll arm them!”

Suddenly, Laney jumped out of hiding. Her clothes had been enhanced and given ninja qualities, courtesy of Halli’s pet imp, Sebastian.

“EO wwwwaaaaaaaAAAAAAH!” she shouted. Then in a karate-mastered fashion, she kicked Carrie’s stall door in on her.

Oh the hilariousness of it all! Carrie was taken quite by surprise, and the masquerading door hit her square in the face!

Everyone in the Tinkle-Tinkle-Ha-Ha Room got quite a kick out of the prank. Including Carrie. But then, Laney found out she had hit Carrie in the face with the springing door, and she felt a little bad. She resolved to never go all ninja-like and kick doors in on people ever again.

The rest of the day played out regularly for the friends. They had fun running from a flock of angry seagulls, they slipped on some toothpaste, and most significantly, they put up flyers advertising Melina’s need for dimension-hopping soldiers. By the end of the day they already had eleven promising applicants.

And so concludes a tremendous Tuesday in our wonderful world of idiocy.