I Wish to Report a Murder

{A man in a business suit walks into a police station, looking nervous but determined – wringing his hands, biting his tongue, etc. A policeman is standing behind the desk.}

Man: Hello – I wish to report a murder.

Policeman: That’s very nice, sir.

Man: What?

Cop: We haven’t had one of those in a while; the boys’ll be excited to hear it.

Man: But… no, I don’t think you understand. I walked into my boss’s office and he was – well – someone had shot him twice in the back of the head!

Cop: Twice! Oh, splendid! No chance of it being a suicide then – I hate those, they’re so depressing. Oh – it did kill him, didn’t it?

Man: Well of course it killed him! Are you going to investigate or not?!

Cop: Of course we will sir, of course. And we’ll find the rotten little scumbag who did it.

Man: {glances about uneasily} Good!

Cop: Yes. You know it’s the funniest thing, but sometimes people will come in here to report their own crime, hoping we’ll overlook them as a suspect. I think we can rule you out, sir. You’ve obviously been disturbed by the murder.

Man: Yes. That’s… exactly it. Disturbed. By the murder. Yes.

Cop: But I’m afraid you’ll have to come back on Tuesday, sir.

Man: What? Why?!

Cop: We only do murders on Tuesdays.

Man: That doesn’t make any sense!

Cop: It does so!

Man: It does not!

Cop: Does so! You’ve got to have a schedule! We do murders on Tuesdays, bank robberies on Wednesdays, jewelry store thefts on Thursdays, household break-ins on Fridays –

Man: Look, it was me! All right?! I did it! I murdered him! And you can’t do a thing about it because it’s not Tuesday!

Cop: {starts to laugh almost hysterically}

Man: What?! What’s so funny!

Cop: Do you see that camera over there?

{Pan out to see a huge camera, complete with cameraman, who waves at the man.}

Man: I did wonder about it, yes.

Cop: {trying not to laugh again} Sir… You’ve just been bamboozled!

Man: …What?

Cop: {starts laughing once more}

Host: {Walks in through the station door} Let’s hear it for our victim, folks, huh? Wasn’t he a great sport!

Man: But I killed him! I KILLED HIM!

Host: Yes, sorry to hear that sir, say hello from me to the family, goodbye. {Shoves him out the door as he continues to protest.}  Wasn’t he great, ladies and gentlemen? Don’t forget to tune in tomorrow night, when we’ll be setting up shop in the operating building for the Suicide Hotline!

~God Bless.