Who Am I?

There is something more to life. There is something more to life than getting married, raising kids, having a good time, and impacting others. It is that thing deep inside of us that longs for more. To do something greater. People try to accomplish this by changing the lives of others. By raising kids and dedicating their life to them. By focusing on the environment, our earth, culture, or whatever. I feel it, you feel. Why do people look for a higher meaning to life. Our desire is to leave a legacy, to be remembered after we die. We are always looking for something to fill that desire.



Evolution tells us that we're here to reproduce. If we are here simply to multiply, why can humans be raped? Dogs can't be raped. Why would we not kill someone simply because they are physically or mentally handicapped? Natural selection doesn't think that's wrong. We are greater than all of this. We belong to something more.



My father believes in Mother Nature. He believes in supernatural power. It is part Native American, part New Age. My mother thinks that it is impossible to know what is truth and what isn't truth. She believes that nothing is conclusive, but it is best to just live your life as a good person and that will be enough. She doesn't know why she believes this. My aunt goes to mass on Christmas and Easter. She believes that she should do something for God, but she says she might be wrong. My older brother thinks that we should make a difference in others lives, and that we should reproduce. As long as we multiply, nothing really matters. He wants to baptize his kids though...just in case. My younger brother is too angry to care. He believes that if God is loving, that he'll be fine no matter what.



It doesn't matter what you think or believe. Your opinion doesn't really matter. What matters is what is true. If I believe that I can walk through a brick wall, that doesn't mean that it is true.



In High School, my Christian friends told me that if I beleive in Jesus, I can have eternal life. I went to church once or twice. Sure, I believe that Jesus lived. He probably died on the cross, too. I could handle that. I could be wrong, but I figured I would be on the safe side.



I stumbled across a phrase taken from a verse in the bible. It said, "Because we are beings of eternity, things of time cannot fully satisfy." That rung in my heart. I am eternal; I need something more. This life isn't enough for me. But I believed in Jesus, so I had eternal life. I wondered why I didn't feel it.



When I was 15, my best friend attempted suicide. We were a lost group of people, and she wasn't the first. I had contemplated it many times before. This life isn't worth living with all of the confusion and depression that suffocated me. When all I had to look forward too was more school, a job, learning about things that don't really matter, and making relationships with people when it'd probably lead to heartache and I would just die in the end anyways. I lay in bed that night sobbing, wondering why life hurt so much. I started to beg, "Please, let her get through. Let us all get through. Let me get through. I know that life will be hard, but I just want to know that in the end, everything will be okay. I don't mind pain, but I need hope. I need to know that everything will be okay." As I cried out, I realized that I was talking to God. As soon as I realized this, I felt His peace come upon me. "Everything will be okay", God said to me. Immediately, I stopped crying and fell asleep. God told me that everything will be okay.



It didn't get easy after that. I knew that God spoke to me, but it wasn't like He spoke to me everyday. I went back and forth between wanting to know this God, but being so unsure about everything. I knew that I would have to give up my life, my ways, my control, and trust God.



It hit me one day. If the story is true: Jesus is God, and having faith in Him brings eternal life, then it had huge consequences for my life. I wanted to badly to follow it, but it just didn't seem real to me. One day I asked God, "Lord, I want to believe in all of this, and I want to have faith, but I just can't." And suddenly, it was like that tiny, gaping hole that I never knew was there was suddenly filled. It was as though God said to me, "I am with you. It is okay." My heart changed.



I had a reason to wake up in the morning. I loved God so much for what He did for me, that I was filled with a burning desire to love Him and serve Him anyway that I could. I no longer spent days bogged down in depression. I didn't have to look to guys, family, people, school, or work to fill that need inside of me.



I didn't just believe, just for security purposes, I had faith that Jesus Christ is. God is. This is truth, and this is life. I don't just believe on a whim, but God is real and active in my life. He changed me from lost, always imperfect, always guilty, always feeling like I was never enough into His child. I belong to God. It isn't easy, but it is worth it.